How can I bring up OM in a pro-DB fashion?

[BadLuck]

I have posted in newcomers, but thought I'd post here as this question is directly related to bringing up an A.

Quick background on my situation, I am 32, W is 29. We do not have kids. I travel quite a bit for work. I saw signs of A, but chose to ignore them subconsciously as I think I tricked myself into not wanting to know. W said she wanted to "move on" in July 2011 and she moves out August 2011. I find out about OM while checking phone bills in September 2011 and brought it up to W in non-threatening way. She denies it was anything more than a "friend". I didn't know who it was and I chose to apply DB principles and just not bring it up.

Now she is racing toward finish line trying to file D and get court date set up ASAP. I believe she is being a coward and just trying to get it over with so she can then come out with OM and pretend that they just started dating. I understand I can't control her, but is there any merit to speaking with OM man to man? Alternatively, is there any benefit to bringing this up to W basically saying I know, but I understand that I may have been emotionally absent and am willing to own up to my shortcomings and work on the R.

OM was recently D'd and I think he has been coaching her through the process.

I am not looking to shame her or throw this in her face, but think that maybe addressing it head on may actually open up conversation? Right now, we don't see each other or talk to each other as there are no children giving us an excuse to do so, so she cannot see any changes I am making.

Any advice on addressing OM would be much appreciated. I feel by just ignoring the situation and "working on myself" I am just avoiding getting her to address this and just giving her an easy out. Is this really the way to DB or is there a way to DB that includes asking her for the truth? I have read DB and DR, and it seems as though ignoring an A is not necessarily the rule.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you!

[GH31]

Yes, she was banging the OM for some time before she moved out and on a deeper level you already know this to be true.

Do you want her back?

What is your desired outcome from bringing up OM?

Do you think you may have been emotionally absent from the marriage or do you know that you were?

Statistically that relationship that she is now in has probability of thriving at just over 0%.

I am not looking to shame her or throw this in her face,

What are you trying to do then?

but think that maybe addressing it head on may actually open up conversation?

You would start up a conversation. What kind of conversation do you think you would start up?

Right now, we don't see each other or talk to each other as there are no children giving us an excuse to do so, so she cannot see any changes I am making.

Has she tried reaching out to you at all? Have you gone completely dark? Any contact from her? Anything?

I am just avoiding getting her to address this and just giving her an easy out.

What are you trying to "get her" to do? She is already gone brother.

Months ago.

Are you just trying to get her to "own up to the truth"? If she is cheating still then the odds of her doing that are a little less than zero. I've never heard of one cheater who told the truth.

My suggestion to you would be to GAL as much as you possibly can, go out and have as much fun as possible and enrich your life as much as possible.

You're still trying to manipulate an outcome with your wife. You cannot "get her" to do anything and you must accept this, whatever becomes of your marriage.

Good luck.

GH31

[25yearsmlc]

the only purpose for the conversation

other than the purposes you deny,

would be for you to own your absence and that you understand she probably felt justified for having an affair (and trust me SHE DID feel justified. She probably felt you pushed her into his arms, frankly).

Doesn't make it right but it would show change on your end

and the willingness to say that you would still like to work on the m.

Why could this help?

On the off chance she feels you'd hold it over her head if you knew

or you'd throw it in her face, she feels she cannot disclose the r to you

So by owning YOUR role in it, NOT blaming her, but saying you still feel there is hope for the m

I guess you don't have much to lose.

But be really clear that you are NOT coming from a place of anger, or you'll get nowhere fast and only validate her choice to leave.

If you say this calmly, she may long wonder "what if" she'd given you another chance. That may happen down the road.

IF IF IF that happens, then the issues the affair raised for you can be addressed

For now you're just trying to tell her that you get it, and the road home, is paved and smooth.

[BadLuck]

GH31 and 25 - thank you for the thoughts. GH, as much as it hurts to listen to your blunt advice, it is needed.

Since the bomb was dropped, I have tried to control the situation, and who knows had I handled this differently early on, if we could have worked it out (unfortunately found this site after the situation was dire). It is sad that in my comments, I realize I am still trying to control something that doesn't exist.

In any case, I started this thread because I posted on newcomers a few times, and since it is more active and I was being moderated, didn't really receive responses as by the time it was posted I was on the 5th page. I am going to keep this conversation going in Newcomers so as to not have duplicate threads.

Thank you for all the thoughts.

[~ kd ~]

It is sad good that in my comments, I realize I am still trying to control something that doesn't exist.

No need to be sad about your behaviour. You are human and most of us try to control (to prevent) a loss.

Be glad that you are realizing it (on your own and with the help of this board) and work on getting better at surrendering so that it becomes the natural behaviour, even in stressful times.

[NSweet]

I just had to make that decision and let my wife know I was onto her.

My WAW has already filed for divorce, I signed, and it's tied up in the legal system. A few weeks ago when my wife tried to clue me into her affair the last time, that she didn't want to lie to me or hurt me anymore. I gently let her know I had known about her and the OM for a while and that she didn't need to lie, and I wished her well with the "love of her life". I also wrote him an email and told him to basically take good care of her and see her through these hard times. I already knew the faster they got together the faster it would end as soon as I stopped being her emotional support.

Well since then she took off with the affair and they moved in together or closer to each other. She has tried to make me jealous over him to support the taboo on more than one occasion, but since that didn't work and I was un affected she stopped. She stopped calling me ever since I exposed her, but we do still keep in touch twice a week and I'm taking baby steps towards talking to her again. I am already seeing signs from her that the affair isn't going so well since he's grown controlling over her wanting to talk to me.


The point I'm trying to make is that the affair will go on no matter what you do. You have a better chance of her ending it faster now if you resist all questions and concerns about the OM no matter how hurt you are and pull back. If she wants a divorce I say give it to her and divorce in the friendliest way possible so she can't hold any contempt towards you and admire him for this. The odds are stacked against her affair but honestly it's looking worse for him in a rebound affair after marriage and taking on the bulk of her emotional guilt.

Agreeing to my W's D was the hardest thing I ever had to do but she ended up agreeing to pay for it 100% and we signed it hand in hand. We had better dates in the days that follow because we were starting over as friends. And you can begin as friends, you can LRT and slowly take those baby steps to get her back. But only if you give her enough space to see that this A and this guy isn't all it's cracked up to be when you're not around to supply what's missing.

Good luck, Bad luck