Help Me Please

[25yearsmlc]

Well this has been a rough week. And things aren't looking any better.

We still need SPECIFIC examples of HIS complaints. What do you mean about jealousy and being "mean" to him? Were you affectionate before the bomb?

What did HE SAY to you when he dropped the bomb? Also what kind of father is he?

These^^^ questions MUST be answered more fully before we can give our best advice to you.

The more we know about the behaviors YOU want to change in YOURSELF, (b/c you are the only variable here that YOU control)

then the better 180s we can suggest, etc.

You do NOT want to fuel his negatives, and if jealousy or coldness were two complaints, don't be jealous or cold...overtly at least.



My H ----- He packed his things and just left. I didn't show any emotion, and this is not like me at all. Typically I would have thrown a fit, cried, asked tons of questions, etc.


well that's^^ new behavior. Not sure if it's what your goal was, but being less predictable is a good thing, generally. Curious...why would it be "typical" of you to throw a fit, cry or ask questions?


Do you have medical insurance? it's a GREAT idea to see a counselor or shrink at this time, to help identify your own personal issues, and to work on them AND if need be, get on some meds. Being able to sleep at night and NOT obsess or lose control of your emotions is mandatory.

"Losing it", helps NO ONE and undermines your efforts...there's no shame in getting help when you need to. I've been there and done it and I thank God it was available to me.

He said he needs to be away for a few days to visit family/friends and to have a quiet and relaxing weekend. I am a basket case. My D9 cried like a baby when he left. She has never done that and it broke my heart. He looked affected by that and still left.


My h drove off with all 3 of his kids and me in the driveway watching. He smiled and waved...like he was in a different "movie" altogether. The fact that your h was affected by d9 is good BUT try not to manipulate things so that she is more involved than she already will be....it's hard, but necessary to remember this.



Before he left he hugged and kissed the girls and surprisingly me too. He said that he would call and that we could call him. He forwarded me an email of his hotel confirmation.

All good^^^...nothing horrible in this, given the givens.


He will be gone until Monday night and I don't know how I am going to make it.

Here's how. You will start by turning your pain and anger and FEAR, over to God. Say it in the shower and I mean, at least 50 times. Thinking it, saying it and hearing it WILL help it sink in.

Sounds gimmicky but it helped me not lose it when my h called. Plus, frankly, my anger was consuming ME and hurting my life and my kids...so I had to let it go.

You will exercise in some form and get outdoors EVERYDAY (I lived in Alaska and did this in the winter, at least for 30 minutes and it truly does help.

You will find overcoming your inertia is the hardest part with it but you won't regret it.

You will post here and you will GAL.

Yes I did stand up comedy and auditioned for community theater roles and met cool people and yes, I got cast. (Later I did some commercials and got roles in some films, so there you go).

I went sky diving for my birthday.

I took a pottery class, a French class and an Italian cooking class.

Joined the Officer's Wives club, which I wish I had done years before. So helpful.

Learned how to cross country ski, shoot/hunt and fish for serious fish.

Went snowmobiling, hiking, etc even in the winter whenever there was some light.

Got IN SHAPE!!! working out-major ego boost and helped my endorphins.

Used a tanning booth (hey, skin cancer is bad but so is depression in the dark)

saw a shrink and got on some anti-depressants and they helped...

Took flying lessons and got a pilot's license.

Volunteered at woman's shelter and got on the board of director's (resume value).

Made friends with parents of my kids' friends...meet at sports events or the kids' hobbies. Combines well with playdates and you will have more in common with them than you know.

Went back to church

Joined a writer's group.

There's more but you get the point. Most of these were free for me. ALL helped me.

And I had a newborn at the time.

Your pain is deep and real But it is not eternal and it is not fatal.

You will survive. And you WILL learn to thrive, with or without your h....



His cousin that I talked about in my first post (that I think is influencing him) is one of the people he is going to visit. I am scared to death he will come back home with a passion to leave. The thing that terrifies me is that I don't know any of the family/friends he is going to visit - all "new found" relatives through face book.

B/C you have no control over ANY of this, you have to let it go...your life will be permanently better when you learn how to do this.



I am so scared and it's getting the best of me that he will be surrounded by folks that don't know me or the whole situation, but will encourage him and hype it up that he should leave, that he's doing the right thing, that I deserve to be left, etc. I feel like I have nobody and no "advocates" in my corner.


hey what are we, chopped liver? Seriously, again, let go of what you cannot control....

When I realized my anger was hurting ME and my kids, I realized what you must now realize.

Your d's need you...NOW. If they lose their dad to divorce they'll need you more, not less.

Be there for them...now. We'll help you and so will your GAL and 180s...but only you can be their mother.

Make no mistake. Your daughters are watching you and they will reflect what they see you project.

Show them you are a strong dignifed woman who is not too proud to admit her flaws or work on them.

When they face their own setbacks (and they will b/c life does that)
they will know what it looks like to be a woman of grace. YOU will have taught them.




I really am feeling so alone, scared and desperate. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about any of this. I am trying to practice DBing and it is so hard. I only want to cry all the time.

My D's are what keep me going.


Understood...call about seeing a counselor...get some help. You need and deserve it and your daughter's need an available mother.

Plus you want your h to see you stronger, not weaker.

What were you like when you met?

How in the world am I going to get through this weekend? I secretly want the drive time (about 5 hours) to be a time where he can think and realize the mistake he is making.

He still hasn't been willing to say much about our R. I haven't brought it up and neither has he.

Good...don't. And when you make the changes, make them real. The times you started to change but then reverted, shows that the "changes" were really just tactics to get him back.

Do you get that? So what are YOU going to change, for real?


This is killing me. I have lost everything and it seems so futile to do the little things I am doing. He doesn't seem to notice or care.


Stop mindreading and stop projecting negative things. Put a STOP SIGN in your mind when the negatives start festering in you.

Change topics or get busy or whatever. But stop "looping around the freeway, take the exit ramp to a scenic overlook" and THINK....


PLEASE help me get through this weekend. I need some support in a BAD way!!!!!

Thanks

Please help us help you, by answering the many questions we've asked...

the specifics...

Trust that

"consistent changes + sufficient time = change HE can believe in..."

IF he sees the mother of his children truly become the woman he married

he will first wonder IF she's really changed,

then he will wonder IF she will stay that way or revert...if he believes they're real and lasting, how can he not be tempted to stay? And even if he still left, he'd be a fool to never think about returning.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.

it's up to YOU and time to show him the changes. Do not highlight them or point them out, as that appears tactical.

make them real. And tell us what they are. Help us get to know you so we can better help.

At one point I told my sister my m had a "10% chance of making it."

Nothing is written in stone...yes, there is hope.

But get on track, and stay on track...see what I posted to "purgatory" some days ago, b/c she said it helped her.

You can make it.