Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - It ain't easy!

[Valeska19]

Okay. Time to be honest. I'm not sure how long these feelings would last.. but here we go.

Val, what drives the desire to maintain no contact?

My inability to detach. I can't seem to not have expectations. I assume she cares vs. just making conversation. I assume her heart is softening when really it is just another control tactic.

I love her and there will always be a part of me that hopes she is getting better. That she will wake up and stop trying to control or that she will think of how things hurt me.

I can still pray and hope for that.. but to be in contact with the rollercoaster is killing my positive energy.

I've been upset with myself that I'm not able to detach or stop the hope.. but I have to accept myself for where I am. And for me... life is better with her not in it.

Initially I went dark as a tactic, and then I realized it was to carve out a safe place for me to heal. I’ve healed and gotten stronger. I am more the mean motor-scooter I was when I met STBX. Yet I’ve mellowed a bit. Not as mean, not as lean, but still _ _...... I’ve had no direct contact since Oct. I know I’ll comport myself well when next I see her, maybe we’ll even speak.

Is it fear, are you protecting yourself? I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit. An awful lot of water has passed under the bridge. You have put a lot of effort into yourself. You are not the same person you were. You will recognize traps previously caught in. You can avoid these. You can DB well.

I don't think it's fear... however I do feel that I am protecting myself. I have been thinking and I have been through every kind of control tactic with her in the past 2 months. She has been nice to me, she has ignored me, she has baited me, she has guilted me, she has cut me....

.... I'm sorry... but how much more should I take of it? Grit posted something to me about why do I accept less from someone than I do myself......

....and for awhile... I didn't understand. I thought I was accepting by saying "I get it". I get it that she controls everything out of fear, because her parents didn't think that she is important.

I get it that she is fearful of me lawyering up. Whether that be because deep down she knows she has done me harm, whether it's because of how people hurt her, or because that is what she would do to me.

I get it... and I truly accept where she is.. but that doesn't mean I have to continue to allow her to control me. Accepting does not mean staying in harm's way.

I think that is what Grit was trying to show me. It just took me awhile to get there.

Or are you truly done, ready to shut the door, to move on? Is it something else?

I don't necessarily think I'm ready to shut the door.. I am just beginning to believe that is what God is showing me to do.

My pastor told me once that I need to get out of the way... so God can work in my w.. because I'm the person that she abuses, the one she controls.. and yes maybe she will take that to her next R but if I don't get out of the way.. she will remain the same.

And that's what I am seeing. Yes she wants a D.. and for the most part she acts like she wants me out of her life.. but all the interactions are the same. As I try to change it, she bucks hard against it.

Don't get me wrong, I would love for nothing more to having a loving relationship with my wife.. however that is not in my cards. I know that my heart has changed... I don't feel hers has.

And that's okay, but I need to keep moving forward with my changes and accept her for where she is......

.... and where she is... isn't someone I want to be with. Not as a partner in life, not as a friend.

I love every relationship that I currently have.. I am not attacked or manipulated. I can express my feelings and hear theirs.. and work it out.

It's beautiful.

But to go into conversation after conversation with my wife and fight the control.. is exhausting. To look back and say "man she hasn't changed a bit" is defeating.

I've posted this before about seeing the fire and knowing that I have to get burned to get out on the other side.

I knew that when I started getting control of my life, my w would act like this. I hoped she wouldn't do these things.. but it's hard to watch your fears happen. I didn't take back control because I knew it would be he!!. And well.. here I am.

Yes I DB well. I DB well because I believe in it's principles. Not just with w, but with everyone. Validating feelings, changing parts of ourselves to make the relationship better. Whether that is friendship, marriage, or work relationship.

It has changed my life and I don't look back and regret all the effort. I don't regret loving my wife when she is being so unlovable.

But I need to love my wife from a distance. I need to let her go. Let God work in her. And get myself out of harms' way for awhile.


Sometime ago I copied this about coming out of the dark. Just in case. IDK it may have something for you. (((Val)))

See also the fav in DB

"Choosing the medium" is an important decision when it comes to contact with your partner. Should it be by phone, text message, face-to-face, e-mail, cards, letters, television ads, sky-writing, etc., etc.? (What are some more possibilities?)

They all have their advantages, and disadvantages. "more of what works, less of what doesn't", and "180's" come into play a lot here.

Phone calls can be good if you're in the right frame of mind, and gives you the ability to be the one to end the call first. However, you may catch THEM at a bad time, and not end up with the results you want. It doesn't allow for seeing expressions, although a lot can be told by the tone of their voice. Keep in mind the possibility that if a phone call DOES go bad, you may have called at the wrong time.

Voice-mail and answering machines can work well, as long as you don't fret over any time-delays for a response.

In my situation, my wife had a LOT going on while we were apart from each other. Phone calls didn't work because either it was a bad time, she kept getting interupted, or her phone battery would go dead. E-mail didn't work, because she had no computer access. Face-to-face didn't work because of all that she had going on in her life, and this method usually turned out bad.

One thing that DID work well for me was cards. She always loved the cards I gave to her, because of the things that I would write inside of them. Made her cry almost all of the time (happy tears, btw!). So, I began by sending her cards, some funny, friend type of ones, without all the mushy writing. No OR talk, just hey, how you doing. I sent her 2 cards for her birthday, one from me, one from the dog, both very funny. I also sent her one around the time of an annual trade show of mine that we were both very involved in, telling her my appreciation of the tolerance and enthusiasm she had for how involved I was with this show in years past. I skipped any cards for our anniversary and Valentine's Day.

How did the cards work? Well, pretty good actually. It took over a week for her to acknowledge that she got them, and, even then, it wasn't a huge response. However, after I sent them, she did initiate the contact with me by phone, and made it a point to "make the time" for us to talk a bit. The talks soon began to become more frequent, for a longer duration, and slooowly became much deeper.

Text messaging back and forth on our phones to each other also worked great. It didn't interupt anything that either of us was doing, it forced me to keep the message briefer, and have no expectations for an immediate response.

And, no, I never went as far as doing the TV ads, or sky-writing!

What are some more possibilities for "mediums"? What things haven't you thought of, or tried, yet? What small contacts could you do to start the butterfly effect in motion?

I don't know. What works for ME is limited contact. Emails only.

Does this bring me closer to W? No it doesn't.. In fact, it pisses her off.

But what I am supposed to... Seriously?

It's time to protect myself. It's time to start healing. I can't do that by ripping of the d@mn bandaid because she decides to be nice to me for a month.

I hope I'm not sounding righteous.. I'm not angry, or doing this out of bitterness.

As I said, I want to be the best Val. I just feel it's time to make those hard decisions to get me there.

It's time I truly turn this over to God... and let him take the wheel on this one.