You sound like you are doing a lot of work to move yourself forward and that's great.
You indicate you are concerned that as you are doing this work, you are seeing no positive changes. It is often compared to trying to stop a loaded freight train going at full speed. It will take time just to notice, then it will take even more time to slow down, come to a stop, and begin to reverse...
Any work you are doing revolving around patience... it will be well used, here. This is a journey of small steps and long waits. We all have our limits, and you may find you didn't think you had it in you to make it as far as you get or to actually reconcile.
I appreciate you indicate the 50B was a joke and I expect you are not taking it lightly. Still, I am sure that anyone who doesn't know you and wasn't there, certainly wouldn't be taking it as a joke. And as much as you might THINK your W did it to punish you, understand that however far she may have been to YOUR truth of the sitch, she may actually believe the charge was valid and actually really believes she and the kids were at risk.
As crappy as that might feel for you, this is where you need to come from. It is the start of your journey and could very well be a lot lower than the starting position you THOUGHT you were at.
Rather than argue about it, just accept it. If things really weren't as bad, like you say... then it won't be much effort to get back to where you FELT your starting point was. But DO the work and show remorse. Validate that your W felt concerned. There is no need of admission of guilt, because in a zero tolerance society, any charge IS guilt.
Again, to repeat and stress. If things really weren't as bad, then it will not take much effort to move forward in the beginning. Just do what is necessary without resistance and get past it, otherwise you will be stuck in it for a long time.
I do not want to downplay your W's position. We like to stress that each person contributed to the breakdown of the M. We need to own OUR PARTS and leave our spouses ownership of their parts to them.
Having said that, your W is using some classic "script" such as saying "If you had done X, we would have been further along". You may get many recitals of these scripts. Get used to it. As you work through this and post questions, concerns, and vent, we will be here to support you and help you clue in to these things.
Whether your W is truly manipulative will show up in time, but there may be a risk that if the 50B was manipulation, she may hold it over your head to manipulate you to do her bidding, and could threaten you with further charges. You need to protect yourself. You need to be sure that if you feel you need witnesses during encounters with your W or kids, then make sure you have those witnesses.
You recognized that you went over the top over christmas and that is important for you. These situations become a push / pull problem. You chase, she runs, she demands, you give, she translates it to you chasing... rinse and repeat... You are the only one who can break that cycle.
I also want to point out something that I found was really great in your post. You said:
"Everything I read says things will get better wiith time, but I honestly don't feel that that's the case. For me "getting better" would constitute my not constantly thinking about her, our family, and our marriage."
So many people have problems describing details of what a better future would look like. It would be fantastic if you could create more of these clear, concise goals. Because without goals, with clarity, how do you know things are better?
And yes, LRT... your sitch is so truly a candidate for LRT. There's a list of "rules" for LRT that is passed around here. Hopefully someone can paste them here for you before I have to go hunting for them. Honestly... I don't know why those rules aren't stickied in this forum.
Anyhow, keep posting. If you need a safe place to journal, so that you can look back and see progress and if you need to vent, this is a safe place to do it. We might call you on why you feel you need to vent, but we know people need to vent and support that.
Also, the more you post, the sooner you will be off moderation and the more people will read your thread and offer support.
