- Some of the actual complaints that H has of me: not being neat enough (I’ve been working on this and actually have been tidier around the house and leaving common places clutter free); too clingy, insecure, too dependent on him; talk too much.
Just to bring this forward right now, we like to remind people not to mind read our spouses. Having said that disclaimer, I want you to look at the complaints you say your H had, which of them do you believe are actually "valid" complaints?
Originally Posted By: mncwng
- In response, I’ve been trying a lot of the tips suggested on this board & from michele’s books for the past 2 weeks. I’ve been GAL by rediscovering old hobbies, doing things alone that we used to do previously, working out, going to church alone, etc. I no longer initiate R talks and basically do not talk to him at all except for the basic niceties.
The above are great, although dig a little deeper. What things would you actually like to change or make better in yourself?
ie. I lack self confidence so I want to take some courses in public speaking. Or, I am not very adventurous with food, so I will try out one new type of food every week.
Things like that...
Originally Posted By: mncwng
I do feel slightly more empowered than before, but have yet to see these actions resulting in any tangible improvements to our sitch? Am I not giving this enough time, or is there something else I should be doing? Also, this is a 180 for me, as in the past, I was the pursuer, so backing off has been a big adjustment for me that has been pretty hard but is getting easier over time.[/quot]
As you learn to be patient in the process, you are likely to be reminded over and over and over and over and... this is not a quick fix. There are no known quick fixes for M breakdowns. It is a lot of hard work, will take time, and will challenge you in ways you didn't know you had the constitution to survive.
This will likely take not mere months, but measured in at least 1/2 years. You may see changes within a week or two of any specific change you make. So doing to many things at a time is likely to skew results in the same way that changing things up too fast will show no results. Time + consistency = results in this equation. When you see positive changes, keep doing what you are doing. If you see negative changes, stop doing what you are doing and do something different.
[quote=mncwng]Other questions I have: I've been following the DB tips (lovingly distance; GAL; being more independent; no more R talks, 180, etc), and honestly things seem to be getting worse (he seems to be even more distant, withdrawn, and angry at me). is it normal for things to get worse before they get better?
You are attempting to stop a freight train at full speed. It will take time to have it slow down... come to a full stop... and begin to reverse... This CAN show up as things appearing to be getting worse, before they get better... but they DO GET BETTER...
On the rest of your post, I have not heard anything about repressed male/female issues. Although any repressed issue, past trauma, childhood events, etc. do appear to be triggers for MLC. Even if it doesn't seem traumatic for us, if there are unresolved issues, they can be triggered and result in MLC. And no... there's nothing WE can do to FIX THEM. This is a journey they have to travel through and they have to do it themselves. Any interference from us can delay their journey.
It appears to be observable that some MLC never gets resolved. If a person continues to refuse to work through their issues, they will remain stuck in them. Of course, some people appear to have no concern about becoming "better" and grow and that again is regardless of whether there is MLC or not. Some people are simply content to be who they are.
Take your time, be patient, do the work for yourself. One or two major changes in yourself and observe your H's behaviour over a two week period. If good progress, keep doing what you are doing and add one or two more things. If negative progress, stop doing what you are doing and try two more things. If no progress, keep doing what you are doing because you want to keep the changes and add a couple more changes. As we say... and then... rinse and repeat...
