Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[purgatory]

Having a rough day.... journal.

Feeling like Eyore all day. H didn't call the boys AT ALL yesterday- not even good night. He seems to be disconnecting from all of us a little more each day. I've really noticed a change in his interactions with me over the past few days- I don't want to project and say that it's because of OW, but it's hard no to connect the two thoughts. He's shorter with his statements, and less impatient with me if I saw something that irritates him (which is almost EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth!)

I had a IC appointment, and it was good to get all of this off my chest. I told her about my plan to leave and she supported it for my mental health. I explained I'm really torn because I feel selfish for doing this to my family, but I also know that I *need* to do it in order to be the best mom for my family...

When I got home, H asked if I was still planning on leaving, and what were the details. I told him that I am torn between what I feel I *need* to do and putting a strain on the family (financially and responsibilities.) I probably shared more than he ever needed to know, but I wanted to let him know that this isn't an easy choice for me. **this was wrong**: I asked him if his feelings about it were the same as last Sunday (when he said that besides the financial reasons, that *he* didn't want me to go.) He didn't answer, and walked out the door (he was planning on leaving in a few minutes anyways.)

That left me with an icky feeling. I got a call from him a few hours later, and he said that my question made him very uncomfortable and that's why he left so quickly. He said that there were only 2 answers that he could have given, and he wouldn't like the reaction of either one:
1. He could tell me that he didn't care if I was leaving- and this would leave me feeling worse than I already do.
2. He could tell me that he didn't want me to go- and this might give me some false hope, and would ensure that he would never share those kinds of feelings again.
He said he understood and respected my need to 'get away' and that he supported it. He was also quick to point out the burdens that would come of it: having to make arrangements for both kids (most likely OW), him having to modify his work schedule so the kids won't have to be with her ALL day... and his lists went on about HIS sacrifices.... but that he didn't want any of this to be a factor in my decision to leave- yeah, right!
Me: "I understand the sacrifices because I lived them every time you deployed"
[OH BOY- this set him off like I never could have expected!]
H: "There is NOTHING the same about these sitchs! You are CHOOSING to leave, I had no choice. You worked full time at the preschool and could take S with you... I have to work my full time job AND now do YOUR JOB at home too. You shouldn't have gone down this road, because they are nothing a like!"
Me: "I can see that I really touched a nerve with you. I can see why you would think these are different. I should have said, I can relate to what you're going to have to go through."

That seemed to calm him down. Then he wanted to get off the phone. I told him I would write down a plan and a budget in the hopes that it might ease his mind, he said thanks.

OMG!!!!! I wanted to yell back at him: "You expect me to have sympathy for you?! After all the months alone while I worked full-time and raised S on my own?! And you're complaining about 2 weeks- Gee, I never knew that being a single dad was sooooo hard! Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to walk out! And as far as you not wanting to 'inconvenience OW'?? Why the he!! do I care about her?! You're going to "have to sacrifice going to the gym" so that she doesn't have to be with them ALL day? What about any sacrifice you ever gave to the gym for ME when you wouldn't come home until 8 and eat dinner then go to bed- you couldn't even give it up for OUR kids so you could have dinner and bedtime with them- what the he!! makes her so f-ing special?!?!?!?"

[thank you for listening to Purg's ranting and raving... we now return you to our regularly scheduled program...]

I don't like knowing that my kids will be with her daily- not that she would cause them harm, but I don't think she deserves to have my kids as if nothing is wrong. I also don't want to give H any more reasons to go over to her house than he already has. But I've come to realize something: If I stay, part of my motivation would be because I think I could control their actions when the reality is: I can't. Whether I was here or not- H would still go over there whenever he felt like it, and my kids would still be there every wed. and thurs. night. I have to be ok with 'washing my hands' of what they will do in my absence.

I can't lie and say that I don't wish H would come to miss me a little, not just for being there to take care of the boys and the house- but miss talking with me and seeing me almost daily.... but hearing his words about "no hope" (yet again) makes me think that he won't ever miss me. Even if I was gone for good.

Why do I continue to put myself through this??!!! He is so determined to go through with the D- every word he says to me reminds me of this- why can't I just let go and move on?? Every bone in my body says that this isn't over yet... but every action from him says that it is!

[this was a lot longer than I ever intended, I guess I had more that needed to get out of my head... if you've read this far, thanks!]
I could really use someone to point out any positives in this... if there are any.
Or at least give me something hopeful to think about, it's a really low night.