Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[Hopeful321]

Purg--

I am originally from Virginia myself and moved here to Florida almost 10 years ago. I think you should come down. The weather is great and sitting on the beach to clear your head is what you need. It helps me.

[ces67]

Purg- first and foremost (and you mentioned this so its just a reminder...) take care of yourself for you and not for the attention or approval of anyone else.

OK, that aside, IMO, H is probably dealing with the reality of what he is giving up. There is probably a part of him that while he says he doesn't want you anymore, he probably isn't ready for anyone else to want you either. (so cover up as not to attack attention because you're attracting his...)

Although my sitch is reversed, its still very difficult to look at my W. I've always found her beautiful even when she dealt with weight issues. Now, however, she's lost about 60 lbs and wears far more stylish (and tight) clothes. Its very frustrating, and at times I get aggrivated with how she dresses. However I realize, that if things were good between us I'd probably love the way she dresses.

Guys notice. Its just that way. I think someone else mentioned this earlier in the thread as well but again, just a reminder. Be sure to look your best rather than trashy (for lack of a better word I guess). This is just me but at times my W has dressed in a way that screams more "MLC" than "I'm confident in who I am". And that is a turn-off.

Hope your little one is feeling better today. Stay busy, find a good book just for fun to keep your mind focused elsewhere if you find your mind too focused on your sitch.

[Crimson]

Crimson- thanks so much for responding to my questions.... You didn't have to , but you did

H hasn't said specifiacally that he *wants* to hear my 'discoveries', and he's told me that I don't have to apologize anymore..... But he also brings up the 'why did I have to leave for you to become *this* person?' question during most of our R talks (which he always initiates.)

So how much of his "I don't need apologies from you" is genuine, and how much of it is convincing himself to stay the course of his decision?

My H has always been more 'vulnerable' with emotions than I have (a big part of the problem) and he used to say he wished I could open up to him.... But do those desires change when they decide to walk away?

So confusing. I don't want to push him farther away, but I want to lay it all out on the table so he knows what he's walking away from. Grrrrr, there's no right answer.

If you have followed my thread, I got the EXACT SAME QUESTION. "Why did it take me leaving....". I answered as honestly as I could. I would suggest that you do the same (assuming you haven't already).

I am by NO means an expert in this DB stuff....in fact I am literally using both hands and a flashlight right now. However, if your H has typically been the more expressive one emotionally and you have been more stoic/reserved maybe calmly explaining your feelings and emotions to him in the manner that you think would be best received by him (letter....face to face). Could be a nice little 180 opportunity for you and something to work on long-term.

I would not suggest laying things out in a manner that say "look at what you're walking away from" - IMO that sounds like pursuing a bit, I could be wrong. Rather, maybe you should just position it as "this is who I was, this is where I am, and this is where I am going to be in the future". Acknowledge some of your mistakes as honestly as you can, but don't apologize if you can avoid it (as he has requested that you don't).

I am finding in my situation that the DB philosophy is effective, but there are parts that have to be custom-tailored to your particular situation and spouse. For example, there is a no-letter "policy" in LRT and going dark/dim - which is where I am. However, I felt that given my situation and the amount of time that had passed that it would be best knowing how my wife communicates. Certainly NOT the best path for everyone, but you know your H best.



Crimson

[stillhopin]

Hi Purg,

We exchange some posts a while ago on detaching. I found a great article that really helps. Google Livestrong Developing Detachment and you will find it. Hope it helps.

[WenikiTiki]

So Purg, H was checking you out.....

I think I can totally relate. The other day my H and I went to a remote beach by 4x4 truck. We usually put on dry clothes to drive home. When I was trying to change a large group of mountain bikers came through. So I asked H to hold a beach towel up by the open truck door for me to change and not flash the bikers.

Not only did he hold the towel up but he SO checked me out and was smiling that goofy grin of his! It kinda hurt my feelings and made me happy all at the same time.

I have lost a lot of weight and am more fit than I have been in years. It feels good.

And yes my H handed me that "I'm not attracted to you anymore " part of the script. Whatever!

[purgatory]

Rick & Ces: thanks for a guy's perspective on the 'checking out' thing. Even though I have been loosing weight, I haven't drastically changed my wardrobe. In fact, I'm discovering that some old stuff is fitting again- so I'm saving money by shopping in the back of my closet!

Crimson: I really appreciate you're perspective about the letter. I agree with you, that it shouldn't be about pursuing- more about my self-awareness, acceptance, and goals for the future.

SH: I will check out the site! I could any and all help right now

Wen: It had to make you feel goo to see H grinning at you.... make all the hard work to loose weight pay off!

[purgatory]

Having a rough day.... journal.

Feeling like Eyore all day. H didn't call the boys AT ALL yesterday- not even good night. He seems to be disconnecting from all of us a little more each day. I've really noticed a change in his interactions with me over the past few days- I don't want to project and say that it's because of OW, but it's hard no to connect the two thoughts. He's shorter with his statements, and less impatient with me if I saw something that irritates him (which is almost EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth!)

I had a IC appointment, and it was good to get all of this off my chest. I told her about my plan to leave and she supported it for my mental health. I explained I'm really torn because I feel selfish for doing this to my family, but I also know that I *need* to do it in order to be the best mom for my family...

When I got home, H asked if I was still planning on leaving, and what were the details. I told him that I am torn between what I feel I *need* to do and putting a strain on the family (financially and responsibilities.) I probably shared more than he ever needed to know, but I wanted to let him know that this isn't an easy choice for me. **this was wrong**: I asked him if his feelings about it were the same as last Sunday (when he said that besides the financial reasons, that *he* didn't want me to go.) He didn't answer, and walked out the door (he was planning on leaving in a few minutes anyways.)

That left me with an icky feeling. I got a call from him a few hours later, and he said that my question made him very uncomfortable and that's why he left so quickly. He said that there were only 2 answers that he could have given, and he wouldn't like the reaction of either one:
1. He could tell me that he didn't care if I was leaving- and this would leave me feeling worse than I already do.
2. He could tell me that he didn't want me to go- and this might give me some false hope, and would ensure that he would never share those kinds of feelings again.
He said he understood and respected my need to 'get away' and that he supported it. He was also quick to point out the burdens that would come of it: having to make arrangements for both kids (most likely OW), him having to modify his work schedule so the kids won't have to be with her ALL day... and his lists went on about HIS sacrifices.... but that he didn't want any of this to be a factor in my decision to leave- yeah, right!
Me: "I understand the sacrifices because I lived them every time you deployed"
[OH BOY- this set him off like I never could have expected!]
H: "There is NOTHING the same about these sitchs! You are CHOOSING to leave, I had no choice. You worked full time at the preschool and could take S with you... I have to work my full time job AND now do YOUR JOB at home too. You shouldn't have gone down this road, because they are nothing a like!"
Me: "I can see that I really touched a nerve with you. I can see why you would think these are different. I should have said, I can relate to what you're going to have to go through."

That seemed to calm him down. Then he wanted to get off the phone. I told him I would write down a plan and a budget in the hopes that it might ease his mind, he said thanks.

OMG!!!!! I wanted to yell back at him: "You expect me to have sympathy for you?! After all the months alone while I worked full-time and raised S on my own?! And you're complaining about 2 weeks- Gee, I never knew that being a single dad was sooooo hard! Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to walk out! And as far as you not wanting to 'inconvenience OW'?? Why the he!! do I care about her?! You're going to "have to sacrifice going to the gym" so that she doesn't have to be with them ALL day? What about any sacrifice you ever gave to the gym for ME when you wouldn't come home until 8 and eat dinner then go to bed- you couldn't even give it up for OUR kids so you could have dinner and bedtime with them- what the he!! makes her so f-ing special?!?!?!?"

[thank you for listening to Purg's ranting and raving... we now return you to our regularly scheduled program...]

I don't like knowing that my kids will be with her daily- not that she would cause them harm, but I don't think she deserves to have my kids as if nothing is wrong. I also don't want to give H any more reasons to go over to her house than he already has. But I've come to realize something: If I stay, part of my motivation would be because I think I could control their actions when the reality is: I can't. Whether I was here or not- H would still go over there whenever he felt like it, and my kids would still be there every wed. and thurs. night. I have to be ok with 'washing my hands' of what they will do in my absence.

I can't lie and say that I don't wish H would come to miss me a little, not just for being there to take care of the boys and the house- but miss talking with me and seeing me almost daily.... but hearing his words about "no hope" (yet again) makes me think that he won't ever miss me. Even if I was gone for good.

Why do I continue to put myself through this??!!! He is so determined to go through with the D- every word he says to me reminds me of this- why can't I just let go and move on?? Every bone in my body says that this isn't over yet... but every action from him says that it is!

[this was a lot longer than I ever intended, I guess I had more that needed to get out of my head... if you've read this far, thanks!]
I could really use someone to point out any positives in this... if there are any.
Or at least give me something hopeful to think about, it's a really low night.

[nhmom]

Hi Purg, sorry you're having a crappy day. Your H is scared about being responsible for the kids. He's been eating his cake so far, now he will have to get a taste of the reality - the consequences for his decisions.

"H: "There is NOTHING the same about these sitchs! You are CHOOSING to leave, I had no choice. You worked full time at the preschool and could take S with you... I have to work my full time job AND now do YOUR JOB at home too. You shouldn't have gone down this road, because they are nothing a like!"

Wow. "Your Job at home" Not sure what to say, just wow. It never seizes to amaze me how the WAS can turn the tables so easily and make you feel guilty/responsible for the consequences of THEIR decisions. You did AMAZING by staying calm, which seems to have calmed him down. Your H still seems very uneasy with his decision and is nervous about you being away. I hope you do decide to get away. It must be so difficult to know that your kids will be with OW though. At the same time, you know that they will be taken care of. IMHO, you're doing a fabulous job DBing!

[BFloat]

I am in no position to offer any input as I am a complete mess! But I will say..

OMG! WTH?

"Why do I continue to put myself through this??!!! He is so determined to go through with the D- every word he says to me reminds me of this- why can't I just let go and move on?? Every bone in my body says that this isn't over yet... but every action from him says that it is!"

I think this is what I'm going through too.

Deep breaths. Thats about all I can offer . But I'm keeping up to date w/ your sitch! That's gotta count for something .

Was taking the baby with you an option?

[purgatory]

thanks nhmom- tonight was a true test of my "mother theresa calm zen purg" abilities (as 25 has nicknamed them)

Yes, at least I know that my kids will be in good hands. Even after what she's done to me, I trust her with my kids (because she's probably a little afraid of what I might do if something happened to them!)