For me thinking about life without my H or being a single mom is unimaginable even now that I am in a calmer place. Maybe its possible to be at peace and imagine your life without your H but I think its easier to find peace if you just look at today.
Today your H will come home. Today you have a healthy and beautiful son who is never gonna be 4 again. Enjoy it.
A guy I know from work completely unexpectedly lost his adult son the first week in January. He is devestated. But there is nothing the Dad could have done to prevent this inevitablity.
If the dad had had a fortune teller -tell him in Sept. that son would die this January the Dad would have spent 4 months trying to stop it. Living in fear over something he couldnt stop.
You do not know what your H will do in time. Tonight he will sleep in the same home as you and your son.
Get off facebook. It is anti DB and will fill you with the wrong messages. Society gives us this message that we need to share all our personal stuff with everyone. This is not true. You need to stick with you close friends and family & limit the other peeps they are too distracting.
My H was also the world greatest Dad till this happened, now he doesnt call the girls every night he is away from them. He's lost his mind.
With regard to a lawyer. In Aug/Sept when my H wanted a legal document, I told him he could call my lawyer (my father). I told him it was unbearable for me to imagine not sleeping under the same roof as my girls every night that if he wanted to more forward with this I would not stop him but a neutral party would negiotate for me. I said I want to do what is right for our girls so whatever my father (we both have tons of respect for him) says is right for them I will agree to. I think I would have made it easier for my H if I negiotated the terms of our seperation directly him. I think it made it more real that he had to talk to a lawyer rather then to me in the kitchen. So far this has worked.
As much as it kills me to see our money blow out with window, dont make any decision based on $, make it based on saving your M. If your son was sick you wont care if it put you in the poor house.
Hang in there. Be positive. Hug your kid.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Up until recently I actually was ready to take full responsibility for letting things get to this point. I started to see my short-comings and never denied a thing. I was almost ready to see why H would be hurt, etc. But after learning about OW, I no longer feel the same. I still admit that things could have been done much differently, but in no way was it all "my fault". I know now that H is trying to validate his actions through accusations. He is living a lie, claims to be the "victim", and does not want to take responsibility. It used to hurt me when he accused me, but it no longer does. I no longer believe anything he says. I think the hard part for me will be to remind myself to bite my tongue and listen and validate his feelings.
Nhmom,
Be careful with this type of thinking.
We all have some responsibility in the breakdown of our M, and we all need to be able to see the other persons side...
The only way you will ever be able to forgive him is to try to understand what he was feeling when you behaved in ways A, B, or C.
I am not saying it is all your fault and you should not bear all of the responsibility (no one should) and there are always much better options than turning to another person, however that person is just a symptom of the marital problems to begin with.
I see you closing down from anger and that scares me for you a bit...
One of my most favorite people and a poster here on these boards has a saying...
The only way to do it is through it...
You have to feel your feelings about things, process those feelings, and work through them to the other side...
Please don't think that shutting down is going to help.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I see you closing down from anger and that scares me for you a bit...
One of my most favorite people and a poster here on these boards has a saying...
The only way to do it is through it...
You have to feel your feelings about things, process those feelings, and work through them to the other side...
Please don't think that shutting down is going to help.
cat04-
you make a valid point here. I do get thoughts of shutting down due to the anger and hurt I'm going through right now. I'm not denying that I didn't have anything to do that lead H to feel that he didn't get the attention and love that he was looking for. I own my things, but I know that I'm not solely responsible and certainly do not agree with H's choice to have an EA. In the end, it is a choice that he made, and it is that choice that hurts so much that I do want to shut down. The anger and hurt do not cause me to overlook what led up to this, I'm still working on improving those things for myself.
I haven't been to IC since I learned more about OW. My next appt is on Wednesday. I hope to learn new ways to cope with the hurt and how to deal with A's. It's still too fresh and hurtful at the moment. Maybe with time it will get better.
If you get to a place where H does want to save the marriage, you will insist on "No Contact" now and forever with OW. That may include requiring a job change if that's what it will take to feel good again. As long as OW is in the picture, you cannot find peace, and there is nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, you're not in the place to demand that right now, you can't really address it with H until he recommits to the M.
That's what I'm struggling with the most, the fact that H is not committed to the M and me not knowing what he's thinking. I know he is confused and is possibly going back and forth with his thoughts. And that is why I know I shouldn't confront about OW. Knowing about OW and not being able to do anything about it makes me feel helpless and weak. If/when H does recommit, then absolutely no contact with OW, and a job change will be necessary. But baby steps for now.
I'm nervous about H coming back home tonight. I don't know what to expect. H did end up calling to talk to S4 during his layover, though it didn't go too well. S4 didn't really want to talk and I think H didn't like that. S4 said that he was sad and wanted to see his daddy. H didn't hear what S4 said, so I repeated it for him. H just said that he's on his way home.
I hear you, the helplessness and obsessing are terrible. Here's what I found if it helps -- first, your imagination will fill in the worst possible details and meanings every time. You will assume everything is worse and has more gravity and permanence than it deserves. That's why the believe nothing they say is so important. You take everything they say as fact now and forever when 5 minutes later they probably changed their mind.
Secondly, you are thinking about it more than they are and attaching meaning to everything. Everything becomes symbolic of something else. The truth is that H is swimming in a dopamine induced stupor and really isn't thinking about the meaning of what he's doing, he's winging it. He's expending all his mental energy on rationalization so there is no capacity for the deep thought you are giving it. The best thing you can do is realize that slow and steady wins the race. Time is your ally.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You have gotten some AMAZING advice on here... I feel like an person who crashed the party with no gift for the hostess.
I came here to check up on you and hopefully contribute some awesome piece of advice... instead, I see that you and I are in similar sitchs now (with OW in the picture) and the advice you're getting, are some things that *I* need to hear as well. Accuray had some REALLY great insights (I'm gonna steal/copy them if that's ok with you?)
I'm glad to see that someone else reads their horoscope! I never used to put energy in reading them, now I'm obsessed with reading everyday! It's like KD said, it gives us a great distraction, and maybe even a little hope. I know that mine have been pretty accurate the past few weeks- for the good and the bad.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I hear you, the helplessness and obsessing are terrible. Here's what I found if it helps -- first, your imagination will fill in the worst possible details and meanings every time. You will assume everything is worse and has more gravity and permanence than it deserves. That's why the believe nothing they say is so important. You take everything they say as fact now and forever when 5 minutes later they probably changed their mind.
Secondly, you are thinking about it more than they are and attaching meaning to everything. Everything becomes symbolic of something else. The truth is that H is swimming in a dopamine induced stupor and really isn't thinking about the meaning of what he's doing, he's winging it. He's expending all his mental energy on rationalization so there is no capacity for the deep thought you are giving it. The best thing you can do is realize that slow and steady wins the race. Time is your ally.
Accuray
NHMom - this is incredible advise. The second point here is exactly how my W was for about 8 months after the bomb dropped, but moved past that phase. Slow and steady does win this race.
I'm truly grateful to have received so much advise here. Without it, I'm sure I would have given up already. Thank you so much!
Accuray, funny you mentioned a friend keeping me updated about OW. Our mutual friend who also works with H contacted me today to see how I was doing. He also said that H and OW do talk a lot at work, but it seems mostly work related. I asked if they go to lunch together and he said no, at least not recently, he's been keeping an eye on him. Friend also said that H has been avoiding him or other people at work. I'm sure H and OW still talk all day via skype or FB, but at least they're not doing it in the open at the moment. I still wish H didn't HAVE to see her every day. Friend is very disappointed in H and his choices/actions,saying that he doesn't seem to know him anymore. At least I'm not the only one who feels this way.
H said today that he may need to go on another business trip in March, that would be his 3rd in March and would mean that he'd be gone 3 weeks out of 4. H also said that he won't play soccer that session because he'd be gone so much.
I did a little GAL activity with my sister tonight. Just came back from a bar/restaurant that is starting a salsa night on Tuesdays. I used to take salsa classes a while back, but I feel like I'm a beginner again. I didn't actually get to dance salsa tonight, but did dance a few songs of bachata and merengue. I like to dance, but I feel a little uncomfortable dancing with strangers and feel insecure. So getting out there and trying not to care felt good. I was even told today that I "have good rhythm", lol. I'll have to find a friend or someone to go with me again. H seemed a little curious about where we were going. I guess it's unusual for me to go out to a bar twice in a week :P I'm not looking for "trouble" while I'm out, just trying to get out and show him that I don't need to be stuck at home. I think I also agreed to go out to dinner with a meetup group on Friday.
Thank you for sharing your experience with OP. Your explanation of things makes sense and I need to keep reminding myself that.
H definitely seems like he's been taken over by something. The "slow and steady" part is hard for an impatient person like me, but I'm sure I will come out a better person in the end if I find a way to get through all of this.
At least work seems to have gotten busier lately and it helps to have a distraction so that I don't have to spend the whole day thinking about what's happening. There are actually times throughout the day when I "forget" everything, but then I remember again.
