My wife of 10 years and I have just separated. We have two young children (2yr old girl and 7 yr old boy). Although we have historically both been "hotheads" (both Scorpios) I thought we had pretty good life (sound familiar?) We travel a ton all over the world both with and without the kids, we live in a mountain resort town with a great environment and great schools. Historically I've made plenty of money to keep us comfortable although the last couple of years have been stressful as they have for everyone. Basically I thought we had it pretty good.
Back in September I had a bit of a breakdown because of some work stress and stress with our son who has some behavioral issues and said (though not seriously meaning it) that I would be better off dead. In hindsight, this was the straw that broke my wife's back of constantly supporting me, being my emotional crutch and dealing with my negativity. We fought and bickered extensively for weeks after that and finally had THE discussion where the topic of "the fire's gone out" came out on the table. By late October she told me she wasn't sure she could be the wife I needed any more, the she wasn't happy, that she couldn't support me any more and that while she still loved me, maybe "our marriage has just run its course" and that maybe it was time to go our own way in life even though we'd had a good run of it.
I started reading the Divorce Remedy and other books (5 languages of Love, etc.) and really reflecting on where I'd gone wrong and how much I hadn't treated her with respect and emotional support for many years. She was right. Now don't get me wrong, she's no saint, but I definitely had a major role to play to which I admitted. Still, we seemed stuck at this same level of her saying "I'm just not sure I can get my feeling for you back" or "I feel no connection with you."
After some counseling and more arguing, fast forward to late December. We were just sort of stuck in place not moving forward. There were some good times but it didn't feel like we were connecting any more and she even said a couple of times "I'm just not feeling anything for you right now."
One day we're out in town and we she introduces me to this guy as a friend of hers. I'd immediately had a bad feeling about this guy she'd introduced me to. Seemed like they were pretty friendly for someone I'd never met/heard of. One day I decided to check the phone records and bang, there were lots of calls/texts to this guy. I confronted her on it and she denied anything was happening but admitted that she had "developed an emotional connection with someone else," words that still burn in my ears nearly a month later. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I was crushed. This was my soulmate talking, someone with whom I'd shared everything about me, and she had a connection with someone else? Turns out there where 25 hours of calls and 1700 texts over a three month period beginning right after my breakdown. She swore up and down that nothing physical ever happened and frankly it really doesn't matter if it did. She told me she'd end it the day I discovered it (12/28/11) but I know from my obsessive checking of the records (I know, a no-no) that while there has been a HUGE reduction in the communication, she still talked to him briefly this past weekend. Although she keeps saying she's trying, I can't understand how she's trying if this guy is still in the picture.
After the discovery we had a couple of blowouts in front of the kids that were totally and completely out of control. We were talking immediate divorce, no going back after that. But I called her on the 3rd and said look, I know you've been trying and I know what just happened were the worst fights we've ever had, but is this the way to end it? I said clearly we needed to separate to calm the waters and see what happens. We decided to give it three months apart and then see where we were at that point. So I've pretty much been out of the house since the 28th, although much of that was business travel. I just physically moved out on the 15th and into my apartment.
We had our first joint therapy session today since I moved out last Sunday and in tears she said once again "I'm just not sure I can get my feeling for you back" I asked her if I'd been replaced by this other person and she said no but that she'd been so emotionally needy and he did help her. She said she's felt like she was going to have a nervous breakdown since the separation, doesn't know what to do or what the future holds, is scared of her feelings and has been trying and wishing they would change but they're not. But then earlier in the week she asked me to coffee and also called to see if we were still planning on doing a vacation house swap so we could go to the Caribbean in June! She is all over the map.
So I'm trying the LRT, doing both joint and individual therapy, have hired one of the coaches (Laurie, she's awesome) but am so terrified that I'm going to lose her if I haven't already i just don't know what to do. I'm trying to play it cool, no pressure, definitely not arguments of any kind (since 1/2/12) and whether in therapy or just when I see her to exchange the kids, etc., being open, listening and patient. But it is all driving me insane. I've at least made a pact to stop the phone snooping and like I'm on the 12 step program or something, I've made it 24hrs which I'm proud of give that before I couldn't make it 15 minutes.
I guess I'm just at a loss, living in another house without my kids and wife, hating that, wondering what will happen and trying to do the right thing, whatever that is. I'm trying to surround myself only with people who offer the kind of support and encouragement I see on these boards. I guess I could just use some more to help me through and to know that it can work and that it's not over.
