Up until recently I actually was ready to take full responsibility for letting things get to this point. I started to see my short-comings and never denied a thing. I was almost ready to see why H would be hurt, etc. But after learning about OW, I no longer feel the same. I still admit that things could have been done much differently, but in no way was it all "my fault". I know now that H is trying to validate his actions through accusations. He is living a lie, claims to be the "victim", and does not want to take responsibility. It used to hurt me when he accused me, but it no longer does. I no longer believe anything he says. I think the hard part for me will be to remind myself to bite my tongue and listen and validate his feelings.
Nhmom,
Be careful with this type of thinking.
We all have some responsibility in the breakdown of our M, and we all need to be able to see the other persons side...
The only way you will ever be able to forgive him is to try to understand what he was feeling when you behaved in ways A, B, or C.
I am not saying it is all your fault and you should not bear all of the responsibility (no one should) and there are always much better options than turning to another person, however that person is just a symptom of the marital problems to begin with.
I see you closing down from anger and that scares me for you a bit...
One of my most favorite people and a poster here on these boards has a saying...
The only way to do it is through it...
You have to feel your feelings about things, process those feelings, and work through them to the other side...
Please don't think that shutting down is going to help.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
