Moving forward together and piecing

[angel61]

Any betrayal is going to be difficult to get over. Fortunately for you, your H's A did not turn physical. I was not so lucky.

But I think you are letting fear that your H might stray again cloud your emotions. I think it is important for you to seriously consider what might have led your H to stray in the first place. I mean I think your anger stems from betrayal and the trust that has been broken. And if you can see where maybe your actions led your H down that slippery slope and make damn sure that those actions are put away for ever then can't you see that your H would have no reason to stray again?

It just seems so clear to me that part of your anger stems from fear. But then if you knew that if the conditions were set just so, your H would never stray again and you could be confident in your trust and your fear would go away.

So then, why not create those conditions and free yourself of your anger and resentment?

To the point, that is a very good observation.

I myself came to the same conclusion this weekend, I don't know if you are familiar with mys ituation but I am very much in the ssme boat as Ctflor, except that my sitch was more drawn out (1.5 years of H having an EA then then being rejected by OW but still keeping up their friendship, then finally, we are now in piecing).

I do bring up the EA and OW every now and then. Last Thursday, I openly, in front of H, checked his cellphone. H was angered by my actions, as he has told me many times that the EA is over and that he no longer feels anything for OW. He said he thought we had already discussed that we had to leave the past behind.

I explained to him that I know I was wrong, but that sometimes, fear that the EA may be rekindled makes me do something to reassure myself that there is no longer anything going on.

To make a long story short, we discussed about what was lacking in our R at that time that drew him to the EA, and how we are now working towards identifying the causes and making sure that such a situation will never come again and cause him to stray.

We both know it will be slow, and that we will make mistakes. As my H says, 2 steps forward, one backward. But someday we will get there.

We have started on the book "the Love Dare". the very first dare is for patience and not saying something negative to each other. Since Friday, we have managed not to break that!

Ctflor, have you read that book? I suggest that you do, even before doing the dares. I read it quickly (2 or 3 days) and realized right away how I was being too self righteous, and how I was not loving my H unconditionally. For me, it was a major step in lessening my anger and resentment. It still took maybe a year of working on it. The thing about it though was while I was working on it, H was still in his MLC land and I was DBing so I was able to detach as well. Deatching and losing the anger goes well together. Now that you are in piecing, you are more emotionally invested and that is why the anger is more intense.

Try to detach a little, Ctflor.