Still alone, but no longer confused...

[Accuray]

Ha! That horoscope is great. nhmom, I *obsessed* about OM. Once I got to a decent place of peace with what I knew, I discovered another prior OM and went through it all again. It hurts really badly and there is really no shortcut to putting it on and wearing it around for as long as it takes to make peace with it.

If you get to a place where H does want to save the marriage, you will insist on "No Contact" now and forever with OW. That may include requiring a job change if that's what it will take to feel good again. As long as OW is in the picture, you cannot find peace, and there is nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, you're not in the place to demand that right now, you can't really address it with H until he recommits to the M.

I do think it's useful to know if OW is still involved. If OW is in the picture, all you can do is tread water and not make your situation worse by pushing H farther away. Only when OW is gone can you start to close the gap. I haven't read any cases on this forum at all where LBS was able to force/cajole/entice WAS away from OM/OW. You just very unfortunately need to wait that out and hope they will come to their senses. In the meantime, you work on yourself. That way, no matter what happens you're in the best place you can be to find happiness.

Now WRT whose "fault" your relationship problems were, you already knew they weren't all yours. When we get left behind, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, and we try to explain that inadequacy by blaming ourselves for too much.

However, *some* of the relationship problems were yours, and it's important not to sweep that under the rug because H's behavior is and/or was so much worse. If you both had read "The 5 Love Languages" and made it a point to make each other feel loved and keep the love tanks full, that would be a *very* effective infidelity blocker.

Unfortunately, like 65%+ of married people in this country, you were not making each other feel loved -- other things got in the way. Those could have been mutual resentments, different expectations of marriage, miscommunication, there is a list of things that can go wrong as long as your arm. To make it go right requires knowledge and effort. Once you have knowledge and effort, you have a plan for success and that is empowering.

I wish I had something to tell you about OW. If you have a friend who's keeping you in the loop as to what's going on, that may help your peace of mind because you'll understand why H is acting the way he is. On the other hand, you may choose to ignore both OW and H's silliness and focus on yourself. That is the path of detaching, and what most veteran DB'ers will recommend in your situation. You may want to read up on detaching.

I wish it were easy, and I wish I had a quick fix for you hear nhmom, you have my support, I really hope you get the outcome you want.

Accuray