thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful replies! you've given me a lot to think about & consider. to answer your questions:
kaffe diem:
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
So, questions for you:
+ other than the spew (and a significant number of us have been witness to that bunk), what are some of the actual complaints (valid or not, in your opinion) that your H has of you?
+ what are some things that you actually would like to change in yourself (that might be negative) or make better, that might benefit you in your M or help you in a general sense?
- Some of the actual complaints that H has of me: not being neat enough (I’ve been working on this and actually have been tidier around the house and leaving common places clutter free); too clingy, insecure, too dependent on him; talk too much. - In response, I’ve been trying a lot of the tips suggested on this board & from michele’s books for the past 2 weeks. I’ve been GAL by rediscovering old hobbies, doing things alone that we used to do previously, working out, going to church alone, etc. I no longer initiate R talks and basically do not talk to him at all except for the basic niceties. I do feel slightly more empowered than before, but have yet to see these actions resulting in any tangible improvements to our sitch? Am I not giving this enough time, or is there something else I should be doing? Also, this is a 180 for me, as in the past, I was the pursuer, so backing off has been a big adjustment for me that has been pretty hard but is getting easier over time.
being me: thanks for your insights. While I’m not 100% positive, there is no one else, H hasn’t been doing anything too out of the ordinary – not too protective over his phone/emails and is always home after work. He is more secretive now than before due to our current sitch (ie as in does not communicate), but I haven’t seen any other red flags. I think for my own sanity right now, I’m just going to believe him that there is no OP, and to just focus on our other issues and working on myself. Am definitely taking a big step back and giving H LOTS of space & working on GAL (at least I have been for the past 2 weeks). no improvements yet (in fact, after I started implementing these changes, H has gotten even MORE distant) – is this normal (for things to seemingly get worse before they get better?
also, in terms of the family thing – I think part of our arguments was caused due to my freaking out that I’m almost 30 and feeling the pressure of my narrowing biological clock. Right now, I’m not 100% positive that I would want a child at the expense of my marriage, although this point is moot if he wants out of the marriage I guess.
mrbond: as some background, his mother did pass away at a relatively young age 3 years ago. He has mentioned that he does not want to be like his mom (passing away young before being able to enjoy his life). Could something from 3 years ago trigger MLC now if he has never really processed his feelings about this? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what our hot button arguments are aside from having children (which up to a year ago, he had been on board with). His other complaints include that I’m too messy, too clingy, insecure, nag too much, etc. I’ve been making progress in all of these areas, but have not seen an abatement in his anger/resentment, which kind of makes me wonder if his anger/resentment at me is a mask for other issues?
Cadet: From my preliminary googling on masked depression, it seems that masked depression is depression that manifests itself in physical ailments? Or am i missing something? He hasn’t seemed to have any more physical ailments than before. I tried doing a board search, but it says that i can’t access the search engine
Again, I just wanted to thank you guys for taking the time to read/offer your insights.
Other questions I have: I've been following the DB tips (lovingly distance; GAL; being more independent; no more R talks, 180, etc), and honestly things seem to be getting worse (he seems to be even more distant, withdrawn, and angry at me). is it normal for things to get worse before they get better?
in one of the threads i read, one of the causes for MLC is if someone represses their feminine side/masculine side. i wonder if this is true in our sitch since H has always been very career oriented and does not place much on emotions & feelings. if this is true, is there anything i can do to get him to "embrace his emotional side"?
i know there really isnt much i can do, except work on myself, but is getting past MLC (assuming that this is what it is), something that happens naturally on its own whether or not H realizes it? or does H need to realize he is going through an MLC befoe he can address these issues head on. because obviously, he does not think he is going through an MLC. he knows he is unhappy, but is not sure why, and is using our marriage as a scapegoat in a sense...
