My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and reply Kaffe I greatly appreciate it. To answer your questions:

I am going to individual counseling to get a handle on my personal issues. I have stopped drinking, have started back to church regularly and am working on my relationship with God. I have been doing a lot of reading on a variety of topics, including blended families and how to be a better stepfather. I started the first college savings fund for the kids. I have been going to DivorceCare. I took the kids to a a college basketball game on the 10th that was the last time that I saw them or her. I have been doing all the right things that should allow her to see changes in me but to no avail. I also attend domestic violence/anger management classes (25 to go) as per the court order for violating the 50B. I am doing this with an open mind and actively participating, but the fact that the 50B was ever put into place in the first place was a joke. I own up to the fact that I was verbally abusive to her when under the influence on a handful of occasions, but I never once said anything inappropriate to the children, nor threatened or touched anyone in anything but a loving way. Retrospectively I should have testified to get it dismissed but at the time I was just wanting to appease her. She obviously wasn't fearful when I had her kids the day before she put the order in place. This was her mechanism for retaliating for the fact that I busted up the affair with her Doctor friend. Obviously this is a sore spot for me, and most people think I am crazy for wanting to reconcile with a woman I have done so much for, only to be subjected to all of this up to and including spending a night in jail... The law looks at things in black and white unfortunately, in reality the thing I was guilty of was trying to do everything within reason to save my marriage. Unfortuately as per the DB and DR mantra I have been doing all of the WRONG things obviously. I am working on being happy with myself, and I know I can find plenty of women who will love for me, but despite everything that has went on, the challenges of a blended family, I love her, my stepchildren, and would do anything to have the chance to start over.

The second piece is the hard part. I have heard what she said and she had hinted to this at some time. Over the holidays she said "If you had reacted/handled things differently there's no telling where we would be right now". That glimmer of hope was one of the things that made me mess up and go over the top with the niceties over the holidays. Obviously now the holidays are over and now that she wants nothing to do with me, that doesn't feel so great, and it also makes me think. That actually led to me saying something I regret toward the end of last week. When she made the statement that "I'm sorry I just can't force the walls down" I made a statement to the effect "but you can seemingly force them down when you want something". She blew up insuitating that I was calling her a gold digger, which I honestly wasn't, but regardless this was not the right the thing to say given the situation I am in since it wasn't a "positive" statement... But then again I guess there is the possibility that I have been completely played for a fool and maybe I don't even know who she really is. In my heart I just know that is not the case though. I started things off on the wrong foot when we were dating, but I was nothing but faithful to her during our engagement and marriage. Long story short, I am giving her space by implementing the last resort technique. We have been physically separated since September, she and her kids are in a rental home about 1.5 miles from our marital home. I have our marital home on the rental market because it was underwater I would have had to shed about $17k to sell it (again, as with any non-cash transactions during our relationship/marriage, this was/is my personal responsibility). All the finances are already settled, the only ties we have are some items that I have stored in her garage and the BMW that I got her for Christmas. She made the first payment on time and is working to finance it in her name. So really in terms of an "exit strategy" there is very little left to exit if that is her choice, in NC there is a 1 year waiting period for divorce after separation and that isn't until September. If a divorce is filed she will do it and pay for it, I certainly am not going to, unless I have some other epiphany beween now and then. As hard as it is implementing the LRT is seemingly the last card that I have to play.

This whole ordeal consumes me on a daily basis, obviously I constantly think about what she is doing and with whom. I do things for myself, workout, eat right, etc. That doesn't change the fact that my number one priority is to do whatever I can to improve the situation between she and I in the hopes of our starting over. I am problem solver by nature which has led me to do all the wrong things up to now, but when the way forward is going to look from her perspective that I am "doing nothing" that just drives me crazy... I have tried to purge her from mind and stop loving her but I just cannot do it, that is also remarkably frustrating.

Everything I read says things will get better wiith time, but I honestly don't feel that that's the case. For me "getting better" would constitute my not constantly thinking about her, our family, and our marriage. I am actually thinking maybe she is having a female MLC given all of the prior adversity in her life. Another thing about me is I certainly suffer from the "white night syndrome", as more or less any woman I have had a long term relationship with has some significant issues that I have ended up helping them with. I could ramble and ramble but I guess I'll stop here for now. So I implement the LRT and wait, I think that's really my only recourse at this point.

Thanks again for your time in reading my story and your kind feedback Kaffe, have a great week!