It is good that you recognize your reasons as possibly being punitive. Work on that and dig in to see how you might change that perspective. What's causing it? What anger or fear might still be harbored?
In complete honesty, I am pretty much where you are in my thought process and in a way, the sitch.
I'm torn between denying her access to my "good stuff" and showing her the good stuff she's missing out on. I'm less focused on it, but it still comes to mind from time to time that while I disengaged from her maybe five years ago, this is still her choice to D. I remain open to R, IF she ever considered it. But I refuse to chase after it. So I recognize I'm being selfish to some degree. Of all the work I have done over the past 15 years on myself, that still shows up often in my life and I recognize it and continue to work on changing that.
Last night when I dropped of D9 after the weekend, my W tried to engage me in conversation about how the weekend went. I would likely have been more candid and overt, but when I arrived, two people who have been supportive, one likely actively encouraging my W to leave me. Neither of the two even acknowledged my presence even though they were in full view of me.
I was pleasant and while not overly anxious to leave, I certainly came off as distracted and "on my way, somewhere."
So right now, it's a fine line and balance between maintaining the boundaries that WE ARE LEGALLY SEPARATED and have separate lives. I get mixed signals as well and she still asserts her privacy, so I continue to be guarded on my own privacy.
It's limbo, yet I feel better about it. It's a different kind of limbo. One where I no longer feel anxious to R and I am also not opposed to D if she ever finally files.
As time goes by, I will continue to show my good side and bite my tongue when I have nothing good to say.
