WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

I feel like I've come to some peace about W leaving. I'll miss her and her laugh, but I'll be ok. I do alright with us until I see how it's hurting the kids, especially my S. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. Their feelings are their feelings and they just have to process them.

This morning school was delayed a few hours due to snow. I stayed home from work because of the drive and the snow. S was just being difficult, especially with SS and SD. I sat him down and asked him why he was acting the way he was. He tells me, "because if I'm naughty then you and mommy will have to stay together". Now... it's very possible that's the honest truth. It's also possible he was manipulating me knowing that the divorce makes me sad and guilty, and if he brings it up he might not get in trouble.

I do feel like I'm DBing better now. Too bad it took this long. Last night I was sitting downstairs watching the end of the NFC game. Son went to bed and I started working on stuff on the computer. Then I realized I didn't have a need or desire to see my W when she got home. So I went upstairs and worked on the computer in my bedroom. She got home and then came a sought me out to see how things went and how I was doing.

And I am looking for the small positives still. While I can't stop what's happening, and I'm working on being at peace with it and focusing on me, I'd still like things to work out some day. So two positives from yesterday... first, in the morning I was cleaning out the fridge and ended up getting a second degree burn on my finger from the lightbulb. I yelped when it happened and started treating it. My W came in to see what happened. She grabbed some aloe plant, grabbed my hand, and started helping me treat the injury. So how is this a positive? Well, back in August just before the bomb drop, W and I were at a music in the park thing. I got stung in the ear by a bee. My W not only didn't care she was seething with anger at me for getting stung. She spent the rest of the evening as far from me as possible while I sat nursing a swollen and very painful ear. I remember thinking "what the hell is wrong with you?" My reaction this time though was also a 180. I didn't swear or carry on. I just yelped when it happened and then shut up and treated the injury. I "manned up" if you will

The other "positive"... last night S and I were driving. Suddenly the cars in front of us start swerving into the ditch, and I see a car coming head on at us at about 60 mph. I steer and swerve, somehow missing the oncoming car by about 18". We end up in the ditch but alive. I'm quite sure had that car hit us I'd be dead or very seriously injured. My S would've probably made it, but not me. It was a miracle frankly that we just missed each other. I ended up texting my W that we had ditched because of a near accident. The cop who helped us out of the ditch is married to my W's friend so I figured I should tell her before she heard it elsewhere. After getting the text she calls me. Asks how I'm doing and I'm honest that I'm shaking and still pretty jumpy. She asks what happened and I recount the story. She starts crying on the phone and says to be very careful and she's glad I'm ok. She tells me to call her when I get home, and that she'll call me when she's leaving work.

So yes... it's a little sad that my near death and her reaction that it meant something is a "positive". At the same time, back in October something dangerous happened and she never responded or acted like she cared.