I'm finding that detachment, and making sure not to mind read is as much a constant challenge when the R is on a possible upswing, as much as when it was being bombed.
I pray for strength around the clock!
good for you Rick. And at times I prayed hourly, out loud if I could...somehow thinking it, saying it and hearing it, helped it sink in. I had about 5 "mantras" to help me stay calm, including a simple
"turning it over to God" one that probably helped me the most.
Funny but I didn't think my 2 x 4 was THAT blunt....but I am direct. And it is what helped ME the most b/c when I was in your shoes,
(not exactly, I know)
I was so angry that my anger consumed ME...and hurt my r's with the kids, who deserved better. There were some posters here who snapped me out of it with direct wording that I mostly responded to.
It's what helped ME more than others agreeing that my h was being selfish (Which was also what the first 3 mc's we saw, said. True, they validated my feelings but did nothing to help our problems).
That's why I love this solution based approach...
Learning how to let go of anger, and let go of things I can't control in general
was a breakthrough for me and my life.
Learning to forgive (which I NEVER saw my parents do til my dad was dying)
was also a learned skill. And a process that follows a series of choices to forgive...
I wish you the best, but know that "piecing" is -as Jack3beans says,- a "life long process"...
(( ))
I had about 5 "mantras" to help me stay calm,
Thanks for the reply 25 and I hope you're well. I have to say that most of my life is spent internally right now and I am doing my best to stay open to the divine because I am seeking honest awareness so I can see what I have become and how I can make positive spiritual strides going forward. In addition I am doing everything I can to keep the road home open for my W. I see that she is aware that the road is open and loving and she has stepped onto it and walking back at her pace. Because she is at such at critical breakthrough place she requires a lot of time, peace and solitude to do this. As I stand by her I find I need to be acutely aware of the type of impact I can have on her as she walks this walk, and as I walk this walk. So, as my emotions and thought processes are all over the place I keep praying, letting the divine know that I can do this, that I'm tough enough, that I love enough, that I will accept whatever the universe allows. It's a constant effort.
Oddly, on the surface I look like the same guy. I go about my daily life and handle my responsibilities. In reality I feel like I'm leading dual lives. The surface one, and the inner one. The inner one is so intense right now, but I keep it to myself. People can be standing right next to me and not know that I am going through the biggest trial by fire I have ever known, and that's saying a lot because my childhood was very challenging.
Funny but I didn't think my 2 x 4 was THAT blunt
When you first replied to my post I was massively defensive to what you were saying, but I knew deep down that I needed the 2*4. I remember asking you for it. I may have gone down a very destructive path for my M and family had you not offered that. At the time I was in bomb shock, anger, fear, horror and was responding in every anti-DB way there is.
"piecing" is -as Jack3beans says,- a "life long process
I'm seeing that now and welcome it. I feel so fortunate to have learned enough through this bomb to be able to piece with my W. It's a blessing. Just this morning we were talking about how we are so fortunate to have the good things remaining in our M and family that we have always had, but through this crisis we have the opportunity to, and are seeing how we are stronger in the areas we were challenged in before.
I need to keep praying though and maybe will never stop this 24/7 connection to the divine. I really need patience for my W's sake and for my sake. On one hand we are at a place I never thought we would reach in the dark days of the bomb. On the other hand I still have my desires for the parts of our M that are still not there. We still live in separate rooms so there is a part of our m that is on hold. I work at finding strength for this around the clock. I cannot and will not pressure her to go at any other pace than what she can.
I commend you for the length of time you dealt with the bomb. I work to be as strong as you and the others on this blog.
Even though I am a native New Yorker I am not a Giants fan. My H is a huge Pats fan (he is from a small city just north of Boston). I have been routing against the Pats all season but now I believe its in my best interest for them to win.
""In reality I feel like I'm leading dual lives. The surface one, and the inner one. The inner one is so intense right now, but I keep it to myself. People can be standing right next to me and not know that I am going through the biggest trial by fire I have ever known,""
This really spoke to me. My close friends & family know about my sitch but so many of the people I interact with on a daily basis do not. When I am chit chatting with the neighbor about the weather I have this internal dialogue saying "if they only knew that my H walked out on us"
I have come to appreciate the good days more then ever. I too pray for the patience to keep going for our M and for our children
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I need to keep praying though and maybe will never stop this 24/7 connection to the divine. I really need patience for my W's sake and for my sake. On one hand we are at a place I never thought we would reach in the dark days of the bomb. On the other hand I still have my desires for the parts of our M that are still not there. We still live in separate rooms so there is a part of our m that is on hold. I work at finding strength for this around the clock. I cannot and will not pressure her to go at any other pace than what she can.
When you can truly see this as a gift.....The beauty of it all actually.
I wanted to comment on a couple things here.
That connection that you speak of, is built over time for her.
The reason for that is because with us "cavemen" We feel connection to our superior counterparts through the physical aspect of a relationship. To us, sex builds that connection for us emotionally.
For most women, they have to feel that emotional connection in order to want the physical part.
We have to not only appear to be that safe emotional place for them ...we have to be that place for them. They know the difference because they are so much more "in tune" with their emotions than we are.
Us guys ?
Throw us a rack of ribs and show a little leg, and we will follow them till we die.
That's just the nature of how we work. I always envisioned that the in terms of the difference between a Cat and a Dog.
That also ties in something that I saw you post on another thread. About the "fixer" role in most of us guys.
We tend to go overboard in terms of going in to protection mode. We see ( or hear) something that we know we are capable of fixing, and we go about in OUR terms.
Tying these two together. Most of the time, women just want to be heard, not fixed. Hearing them is what builds that connection.
I tend to ask now before I try to fix....
Is there anything I can do to help you ?
If the answer is no....then you know your answer.
If the answer is yes ?
Then I ask HOW I can help instead of taking over....
Had a good discussion with my W this morning. She was talking about how her lifeling traumas and patterns of behavior led to her breakdown.
When she spoke about our M she said that this has not been an issue of questioning her love for me before or after the bomb, but more of her trying to break the bonds of the trauma and trying to find a way to live an authentic life, free of the fear and defensiveness.
She said she is not sure that she has ever truly lived fully in our relationship because of this. Not that she doesn't love me but her fears and defensiveness caused her to only be able to let go in limited areas. She said her issues caused her to live in only certain ways that she thought she could have control over and that this was not healthy for her, me or the kids. She spoke about being constantly controlled by her lifelong trauma and it warped so much of how she lived with us, but does recognize the core of love at the base of this.
She is now trying on ways of living without the fears, without the demons and there's a lot of ground to cover. She's wondering if she is capable of being in a relationship fully, the way that she sees I can with her.
We spoke about what is the best environment to accomplish this for her. Was/is it necessary for her to leave everything so as to find a place to work on this with no pressure. She felt (and I agree) that the Eat,Pray, Love answer is in effect running away and maybe the strong thing to do is face it all, all the while still being part of the M as much as she can, and still be here as a Mom. This does seem to be working for her but gets tough at times because she sees that is difficult for me in the meantime and she feels I deserve better.
We ended up agreeing that there is still a core of love beneath this issue and it makes sense to keep plugging away.
I honestly don't know if she will get to the same place as me. That is to be fully open to love and all it entails - trust, risk, openness, a degree of fearlessness, the daily obligations for practical stuff.
What do you guys think? I value your input so much. Thanks.
there's a book called "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of An Unfinished Woman"
It's a WAW's story of the year "off" from her long term m and her h's struggle to understand it.
SPOILER ALERT
--they reconcile.
but it was a powerful story of her transition in life...and how she tried to do it lovingly but kind of could not. Incredibly articulate.
They made it to the other side...and you can too. Maybe you should read it first but I bet your w would get a lot out of it...first YOU check it out b/c it's been a few years since I read it.
But it touched me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Rick, you received a profound gift from your W that you may not quite realize. Or maybe you do.
What I have especially observed recently and along this ride, has been clearly mirrored in other WAS thoughts. Most of them would be loathe or at least afraid to share with their spouses, what your W has shared with you. They use the "false hope" script as justification.
It is becoming clear to me that many WAS do still love their spouses at the core, but they feel trapped and only when they truly feel unrestrained and free to do anything and everything they can to get unstuck, is when they become open to a truth that it is only themselves who are restricting them, not their spouses, M, children, work, etc, etc...
The acts and choices of a WAS through this transition to understanding and awareness can be negative, hurtful, and painful (to both parties and even more than just the spouses). We all make bad choices from time to time. We are human. It all ends... AND BEGINS... with forgiveness...
Keep moving forward, rick. There is light at the end of this tunnel, no matter how it ends up looking.
what if she cannot get to the same place as you....ever? For years?
The real question will be....What's enough for you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
there's a book called "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of An Unfinished Woman"
It's a WAW's story of the year "off" from her long term m and her h's struggle to understand it.
SPOILER ALERT
--they reconcile.
but it was a powerful story of her transition in life...and how she tried to do it lovingly but kind of could not. Incredibly articulate.
They made it to the other side...and you can too. Maybe you should read it first but I bet your w would get a lot out of it...first YOU check it out b/c it's been a few years since I read it.
But it touched me.
Thank you so much for this suggested reading. I juts orderd it from Amazon. Can't wait to read it, esp as it is from the WAW perspective. I may suggest it to my W if I feel she will be receptive to it. Early in the bombing run she was very much against any type of publication like this but she has softened quite a bit and her defenses are not as prevelent. Funny you chose this book because she kept saying she wished she could have a big "timeout" and stay in a cottage by the sea for a time.
