I'm finding that detachment, and making sure not to mind read is as much a constant challenge when the R is on a possible upswing, as much as when it was being bombed.
I pray for strength around the clock!
good for you Rick. And at times I prayed hourly, out loud if I could...somehow thinking it, saying it and hearing it, helped it sink in. I had about 5 "mantras" to help me stay calm, including a simple
"turning it over to God" one that probably helped me the most.
Funny but I didn't think my 2 x 4 was THAT blunt....but I am direct. And it is what helped ME the most b/c when I was in your shoes,
(not exactly, I know)
I was so angry that my anger consumed ME...and hurt my r's with the kids, who deserved better. There were some posters here who snapped me out of it with direct wording that I mostly responded to.
It's what helped ME more than others agreeing that my h was being selfish (Which was also what the first 3 mc's we saw, said. True, they validated my feelings but did nothing to help our problems).
That's why I love this solution based approach...
Learning how to let go of anger, and let go of things I can't control in general
was a breakthrough for me and my life.
Learning to forgive (which I NEVER saw my parents do til my dad was dying)
was also a learned skill. And a process that follows a series of choices to forgive...
I wish you the best, but know that "piecing" is -as Jack3beans says,- a "life long process"...
(( ))
I had about 5 "mantras" to help me stay calm,
Thanks for the reply 25 and I hope you're well. I have to say that most of my life is spent internally right now and I am doing my best to stay open to the divine because I am seeking honest awareness so I can see what I have become and how I can make positive spiritual strides going forward. In addition I am doing everything I can to keep the road home open for my W. I see that she is aware that the road is open and loving and she has stepped onto it and walking back at her pace. Because she is at such at critical breakthrough place she requires a lot of time, peace and solitude to do this. As I stand by her I find I need to be acutely aware of the type of impact I can have on her as she walks this walk, and as I walk this walk. So, as my emotions and thought processes are all over the place I keep praying, letting the divine know that I can do this, that I'm tough enough, that I love enough, that I will accept whatever the universe allows. It's a constant effort.
Oddly, on the surface I look like the same guy. I go about my daily life and handle my responsibilities. In reality I feel like I'm leading dual lives. The surface one, and the inner one. The inner one is so intense right now, but I keep it to myself. People can be standing right next to me and not know that I am going through the biggest trial by fire I have ever known, and that's saying a lot because my childhood was very challenging.
Funny but I didn't think my 2 x 4 was THAT blunt
When you first replied to my post I was massively defensive to what you were saying, but I knew deep down that I needed the 2*4. I remember asking you for it. I may have gone down a very destructive path for my M and family had you not offered that. At the time I was in bomb shock, anger, fear, horror and was responding in every anti-DB way there is.
"piecing" is -as Jack3beans says,- a "life long process
I'm seeing that now and welcome it. I feel so fortunate to have learned enough through this bomb to be able to piece with my W. It's a blessing. Just this morning we were talking about how we are so fortunate to have the good things remaining in our M and family that we have always had, but through this crisis we have the opportunity to, and are seeing how we are stronger in the areas we were challenged in before.
I need to keep praying though and maybe will never stop this 24/7 connection to the divine. I really need patience for my W's sake and for my sake. On one hand we are at a place I never thought we would reach in the dark days of the bomb. On the other hand I still have my desires for the parts of our M that are still not there. We still live in separate rooms so there is a part of our m that is on hold. I work at finding strength for this around the clock. I cannot and will not pressure her to go at any other pace than what she can.
I commend you for the length of time you dealt with the bomb. I work to be as strong as you and the others on this blog.
