count one small and the first of many "victories" - for you as a person. you managed a powerful emotional impulse successfully: "i didn't show any emotion and that is not like me at all". anything you've done once, you can do again.
i agree with almost all of the 37 rules one of the posters listed (with the exception of #6 - sometimes you really need support and if that's where you need to find it, so be it). nonetheless, that's a lot to keep track of, so here's one simple idea to keep paramount above all else: do not pursue. to me, this works against you in three ways. first, the same things you pursue, at this point he will reflexively oppose. and the more he opposes, the more he digs in and is protected from the influence of his own mixed feelings. secondly, this is likely to make you look weak and needy, two less than appealing qualities when your spouse's assessment of you is already biased against you. finally, it triggers what i call "escape anxiety"...his sense that this is all going to get so intense he better just jump off the cliff now and get it over with.
his statement that you are being "fake nice" tells you a lot. it tells you that it will take a long term and consistent effort on your part to change his perception. as ever in DB, the idea is to act in a way that goes "below the radar" as much as possible. so i would suggest dialing back the intensity of the nice to a "quiet" and steady nice/decent/thoughtful. what took years to develop is unlikely to turn on a dime. it doesn't mean it won't change. even drops eventually fill a bucket up - it just doesn't look like much in the beginning.
during this time, especially if you tend toward jealousy and that cluster of fears, you must begin to build yourself and your self-esteem. and you will lead this effort with behavior because that is likely to be more manageable than feelings and thoughts at this point. by focusing on behaviors, the feelings and thoughts will begin to follow - if you do it right!
here is what i suggest then. start everyday with a list of five things - very small things at first - that you want to do for yourself that day and then do them. if you have trouble doing them, then make them even smaller until you are consistently doing them. once that happens, begin to build off them and sink more into the things that are really helping you feel better. try to be guided by well defined (so you really know you've done them) and achievable goals everyday.
finally, regarding sex. give a scenario of how this has played out recently and then compare that to a typical sexual experience during better times in your marriage - i would find that comparison very helpful. would you mind doing this?
good luck, molly v. look how many people are already giving you support here. i think that says something really good about our world.
