Living in the trenches....Thread #5

[Navyguy]

Gosh Navy

I've been a fan of yours the whole time. But she's putting in WHAT effort?

Thanks! In my opinion...none. She thinks she's doing me this huge favor and suffering by just being around.

where is the progress? She said she and the kids were learning Russian and she misses THEM...she left out any reference to her missing you...(seemed pointed to me)

Good point...I didn't read it that way...I guess I've basically gotten used to her using language like that.

She is she still cold to you? Sounds as if she has a loaded gun with her hand on the trigger for the slightest infractions she THINKS you commit...and you apologized-twice- for having facial expressions she didn't like???

There are occasional moments, but in general I would say she is more cold than warm.

The wine/facial expression drama continued on Saturday morning. W and I were supposed to go to a Military party...I asked her if she still wanted to go (the kids had been sick and we were going to get a babysitter)...she said she was going to stay home with the kids. I asked if she was ok. She obviously wasn't...so I asked what was wrong and she got really upset. Obviously she's still pissed about Thursday. So I try explaining myself (again) and she refuses to hear what I am saying. She was convinced that I either think she's an alcoholic or that I was just trying to hurt her, and either way, it made her feel terrible about herself.

She starts raising her voice and I ask if we can go talk in our room...she says no, so I ended the conversation. I went in our room, and I hear D6 approach W in the hallway and ask her "why were you yelling at daddy". W responds "because daddy said something that hurt my feelings"...and went on to relate it to the time D6 said something mean to a girl at school. Then W goes outside and D6 comes and talks to me...she said "I'm going to make a picture for you and mommy so you guys can be friends again". I was crushed. D6 drew a picture of W and I holding hands on a nice sunny day and we were both wearing our favorite color clothes. Then it was time to take the kids to Tae Kwon Do.

I'll spare the details, but W and I ended up going to the party that afternoon. At the party, W had quite a few beers. We didn't talk/interact much. At one point W started talking to a mutual friend of ours (a guy) and they were sitting in a booth together talking. Then they went outside together for a smoke. No big deal, really...I know the guy well and I'm fairly sure W was just trying to get a rise out of me. (I guess I'll count that as a 180.) Later on, it was time to go. We walked to the car...and as soon as W got in she started feeling sick. We pulled over 3 times on the way home. At one of the stops she said "I'm never going to try to teach you a lesson again". I didn't respond. I dropped her off at home and went and picked up the kids and then took them out to dinner.

W has been a bit more pleasant since then.

how are YOUR needs in this marriage being met?

They're quite obviously not, on about every possible level. I guess I'm still "sucking it up" in the hope that she'll turn around. I had this talk with my IC 8 months ago...she got really pissed at my W and was amazed at my capacity to suck it up and live like this.

Funny thing I forgot to mention at the party...as I was working the room, 3 people (2 guys, 1 girl) whom I was talking to and who I would say are good friends, but not people I have talked about my sitch, asked how W and I were doing. It was very obvious that they were trying to gently nudge me to quit putting up with her BS. It felt good to hear that in a way.

As an LBSer for 2 years, I KNOW mine were not met by a long shot for a long time. I am not saying to quit!! I'm saying is this really working so hot?...a year later?

Though I grew in my two years apart (and I had a goal in mind--d's graduation from high school was my "internal timeline", I was not simply waiting that long-I had a reason)

I don't think it is working...sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't. But I have no clue what else to do. If I were to up the GAL, I think that would just lead to resentment instead of the desired effect of making her think she might be losing me. I think my reasoning behind doing this is my kids. I want them to grow up in a happy family with both parents. Our kids have a pretty darn good life right now, and I don't see how it could be maintained if W and I were not together.

But I had a lot of signs of progress along the way too--and my h never actually said he wanted a divorce (just was content to force us to move 3000 miles away or he would--and did--alone)

My W has never used the D word either. Her party line has always been "I don't know what I want".

and boy does she stay stuck!....and then YOU stay stuck. You want to put her through law school like this? And then what?

Agree. No. Even I don't think I can keep this up for another 6-7 years.

What are YOUR 180s and GAL?

180s have been being more involved in the kids' life, helping more around the house, really listening to W, putting her needs first, decreasing my "me" time.

GAL really ties into the last 180...one of her complaints was that I was selfish and would leave her at home with the kids...so I am very cautious to increase GAL at this point.

Guess I MIGHT ask her what progress she was referring to, b/c I don't see it. Do you really? I'm being sincere.

I see some...a year ago, W would have just buried the whole wine/making a face incident and added it to her internal rage depository. While I think she is still extremely sensitive to things like that, at least she is telling me about it.

We ML only 2 days before the incident...W initiated it. The physical contact was still mostly intiated by me, but there have been some positive moments.

I do feel closer emotionally. Hard to quantify that one, but it is there.

I just don't want to see a man like you settling for mistreatment this long.
WHEN it's possible you could get her back for real, with a different approach.

If she feared losing you....I think she'd change her tune.

I agree...but I wouldn't know where to start. I think that if I pull back and she catches on to it she is just going to resent me for it and it would make it easier for her to leave. I can't be around her and ignore her. Honestly, I think it may take something drastic, (like me telling her if she's really that unhappy she should leave) but that's pretty scary and has a chance of blowing up in my face.

In sum, do you feel your approach is working enough that you see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I see the light...but I never seem to get any closer to it.

Thanks for the post 25...much appreciated (and needed).