Crimson- thanks so much for responding to my questions.... You didn't have to , but you did

H hasn't said specifiacally that he *wants* to hear my 'discoveries', and he's told me that I don't have to apologize anymore..... But he also brings up the 'why did I have to leave for you to become *this* person?' question during most of our R talks (which he always initiates.)

So how much of his "I don't need apologies from you" is genuine, and how much of it is convincing himself to stay the course of his decision?

My H has always been more 'vulnerable' with emotions than I have (a big part of the problem) and he used to say he wished I could open up to him.... But do those desires change when they decide to walk away?

So confusing. I don't want to push him farther away, but I want to lay it all out on the table so he knows what he's walking away from. Grrrrr, there's no right answer.

If you have followed my thread, I got the EXACT SAME QUESTION. "Why did it take me leaving....". I answered as honestly as I could. I would suggest that you do the same (assuming you haven't already).

I am by NO means an expert in this DB stuff....in fact I am literally using both hands and a flashlight right now. However, if your H has typically been the more expressive one emotionally and you have been more stoic/reserved maybe calmly explaining your feelings and emotions to him in the manner that you think would be best received by him (letter....face to face). Could be a nice little 180 opportunity for you and something to work on long-term.

I would not suggest laying things out in a manner that say "look at what you're walking away from" - IMO that sounds like pursuing a bit, I could be wrong. Rather, maybe you should just position it as "this is who I was, this is where I am, and this is where I am going to be in the future". Acknowledge some of your mistakes as honestly as you can, but don't apologize if you can avoid it (as he has requested that you don't).

I am finding in my situation that the DB philosophy is effective, but there are parts that have to be custom-tailored to your particular situation and spouse. For example, there is a no-letter "policy" in LRT and going dark/dim - which is where I am. However, I felt that given my situation and the amount of time that had passed that it would be best knowing how my wife communicates. Certainly NOT the best path for everyone, but you know your H best.



Crimson