CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE!

[angel61]

I read both of MZ's and 25's post and it got me thinking....

Although it is true that DB does not push confrontation or snooping, in most cases that I have seen here involving an A, the spouse already has ofund out or the bomb has been dropped. In Abbey's case, there is no bomb drop. It seems like her H is intent on living a double life, a lie, so to speak.

I don't think DBing will work in this case too. There are two scenarios here Abbey: either your H will one day just drop the bomb on you, or the A will fizzle out. In the meantime, you are just killing yourself with the suspicions and the pain of rejection. Whatever you are doing right now is not working, as the situation seems to be slowly getiing worse.

In my case, when I started suspecting an A I confronted my H right away (probably right at the very start of it) and asked what was going on. At that time, it quickly led the sitch to crisis levels, with bomb drop happening soon after. Thinking back, I think my knowing and asking did push it to that point more quickly than if I had let it play out by itself.

In our case, the A only remained an EA. I was in horrible pain, but what I felt was that at least it moved along. I learned my lessons, and thanks to this board, was able to recover my strength and move along.

My H, although initially brought up D, did not push through with it. I told him that for me, if we were going to separate, might as well have a D. Our D was a big reason for us to stay together though, especially since she has an anxiety disorder and we went through some really hairy times when she cut herself and when she once was thinking of suicide.

I made it clear though that I was not going to be in an M with him having an A. He asked for time to get over it, and continued a "hidden friendship" with OW, but I could not tolerate that either and at a certain point told him he had to end it all, as neither I nor our D could last in that situation.

Ultimately he agreed and we went to Retrouvaille.

Now we are in piecing.

My H thanks me now for staying, for being strong, for loving him unconditionally.

But I don't think we will be like this if we never got it out in the open.