Too Little, Too Late.... part 4

[purgatory]

Journal:

H continued to text last night asking about the baby, and first thing this morning too. I take these as positives, but he's always been a great dad- so it's not unusual.

We text back a forth a little this morning, but when I said: "have fun today with [friend] at the gun show!" He didn't respond. I guess he took it as pursuing- and it probably was.

Today's GAL activity: taking the baby to the ER. S6 got invited to a friends' house- so I took him over there, which makes going to the ER easier. I sent a text to H letting him know my plans, and he said he would come to the hospital if needed. (strange, because the gun show (his plans as of last night) is over an hour away from the hospital... maybe his plans changed.)

The weather is overcast and drizzly today... kinda matched my mood. I'm not overly sad, but I'm not happy either.

[WenikiTiki]

Dear Purg,

Hope all goes well at the ER. Both my boys have severe asthma. I spent many days and nights with them there.

See how many people you can make smile back at you today. That always lifts my mood....... It works best with little kids!

[Oneeleven]

Hope everything with your little one is okay. ((())))

And I don't think it comes across as pursuing too badly(IMO). But maybe just fast. Maybe he is so trepidatious about it all he is monitoring everything he does and says too.

Just go slow.

Sending you warm wishes

[purgatory]

Fastest trip to the ER ever!

Baby has an upper respiratory infection No meds, just fluids, rest and let it run it's course... so that means more sleepless nights and fussy baby. I'm jsut glad he didn't get what OW's D6 had yesterday- strep and scarlett fever! We use the same ER, and there was a nurse on staff that remembered D6 from yesterday- so I didn't have to give to much background info

I text H to let him know what the doc said, no response. Then I got one a few minutes later saying: "I'm navigating for {friend] to the gun show, I'll call you in a few." At least he didn't completely ignore me.

I even got a text from OW today asking how baby was. I simply said that I was at the ER with him. Then I got a text from her (after I sent the one to H) that she was glad it wasn't something more serious (I assume H told her what my text said) I just said "thanks".

[I actually text her and left a VM about my concern for D6- I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, but I still care about the kids- and I don't want them to think that I've abandoned them. She had sent me a few updates over the day, I never responded with feelings about her- only focused on D6... so I guess she was doing the same today]

Aside from everything that's happening, I really miss my BFF. I miss being able to call her when I'm upset, when something is funny, when I just need to talk... we were always there for each other in those ways. We would talk up to 15 times a day and we would get together at least 4 times a week and every weekend.

I haven't spoken to her in exactly 1 week. In 6 years of friendship, this has NEVER happened. I can't understand how she is able to shut me off like that. She claims that she still hasn't made a decision (I know this because of D16)... but she isn't even trying to apologize or fight for my friendship... makes me wonder if she was ever *really* my friend.

I think H and she are cowards. They have both left their Ms for different reasons, and instead of putting them selves out there and try to meet new people and do new things.... they are staying in their comfort zone by picking someone they already have a friendship with and just 'see where it goes'. H has even tried to justify his choice by telling me: "I would rather *know* if there could be something with her than just stay friends and always wonder." (gag!)

I don't want to think about her anymore. I don't want to wonder what the two of them are doing... I feel like I'm going through 2 divorces: from my H and from BFF. It's the same feelings of loss and both have caused a MAJOR change in life as I knew it.

I'm still thinking about taking a few weeks to myself in February (I have to stay here until Jan. 27, when I have a doctor's appointment.) What's your thoughts?
Will I be viewed as a coward? Someone who just tucks her tail and runs away, as if I did something wrong. Am I being too selfish? I don't want to leave my kids, but I do know that I am not in my right mind to be able to be the mom I need to be for them.

Does it take more strength to stay? Or more strength to recognize/accept your own inabilities and take steps to fix them?

[25yearsmlc]

it's neither strong nor weak of you to take time off to gather yourself and get a campaign plan going...

it's smart and healthy. Do it...

but don't forget that retreat thingy...well, it's a WORKshop b/c you WILL WORK on your life...but in a super supportive, constructive way.

sending you hugs and prayers...and

if you can, send fewer messages to OW...

I don't want you to appear punitive but I also don't want her to imagine a kumbaya happy family regardless of what she and h do


but sure, IF that comes to pass, someday there will be graduations and wedding ( I hate going down this road but it's Only for ONE minute...okay? Turn this "off" when you finish the post)


but yes if they remain together in some capacity...or even if they do not,


can you see yourself at your Godchild's wedding? Sure...but I'd bet anything you'll be with a man.


And you'll be happy

[BFloat]

happy to hear that baby will be ok. over here, there is no such thing as a short ER visit.

maybe we should take a trip to vegas for valentine's. no?

it will be nice for you to be around people who love and support you. sometimes i feel that i don't even need to have the other person say anything.. i just need to know that someone's right there.

[JamesG]

[/quote]

Does it take more strength to stay? Or more strength to recognize/accept your own inabilities and take steps to fix them?

[/quote]

Purg, this is a great question, the kind that I think can help you and each of us with what role we allow our WAS to play in creating happiness in our own lives moving forward. None of us LBS want our Ms to fail but none of us want to be in a loveless, dysfunctional M either. My guess is that is why MWD says that ultimately all your changes have to be for you. (Credit to Sandi for reminding me of that.) Best of luck.

[purgatory]

25- I really don't like thinking about the possibility of having to see them together at our future major events... but I do know that it's a possibility. I only reached out to her in regards to the kids, but I can see how this might be mis-understood as being "ok" with everything. I don't plan on texting her for anything else now that both our kids are fine.

BF- I was planning my trip to Florida to be with my family..... but Vegas sounds great!! Not sure that my wallet will allow me to go I feel the same way about 'having someone next to you'. My mom and I have never really been on the same page in regards to how to comfort, but having her sit with me on the couch to watch a movie- is her way of caring and 'being there' for me. BUT it's *that* same mindset (just being near someone) that was the problem for my H, he needed the touch for love and comfort- since I was never *shown* that growing up, I didn't know how to do it. Through all my therapy, I've discovered that it is actually something that *I* need as well (and the absence of it in my parents) and I've learned how to express it to H... but it's too late.

James- thanks for your perspective. I never thought about how/if I was 'letting' my WAS influence my decision. He's actually said that he *supports* my decision to go, but he also doesn't *want* me to go.... I don't know if he means because it will be an inconvenience for him with his daily schedule, or if part of him likes knowing that I'm always around... since I can't mind read- guess I'll never know.

[purgatory]

My brain likes to play conversations and interactions over and over again, looking for positives or changes.... Someone make it stop! I know it's not good to do.

I noticed a new behavior from him adding up over our past few face to face interactions.... Guy's opinions here would be really helpful too.

[background: H said he wasn't attracted to me when he dropped the bomb. I had already been trying to loose weight, but the bomb sent it into overdrive. I've lost almost 20 pounds in 2 months. I've always been top heavy (H loved it) and now with the weight gone around my waist, I look even *more* top heavy...]

H has been checking me out when I talk to him, almost like I want to remind him that my eyes aren't 'down there'. Several times I've caught him doing this- mostly we are at our house, but he did it the other day in the parking lot whil we were switching kids. He also reached over one time and pulled up the zipper to my neck on my hoodie, so no cleavage would be showing (for the record, it wasn't showing anymore than I ever wore it before!) So in one hand he's checking me out, and then in the same interaction, he's covering me up.

Is this cause he really doesn't want to see me, or is it because he *wants* to see me. (this sounds very shallow, but since I've been told that my body had become an issue over the last 6 months- this could be a great confidence booster to me)
Either way, I will continue down my path of looking better to feel better about myself. That little part of me would be glad to know that he's seeing what he's gonna miss

[Rick1963]

Some of this can be mind reading. Let him check you out and show what he will be missing. Keep making yourself attractive in every way. Man are very visual so it helps to look good.