WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

It's been good to be away... last night had a chance to go out after the conference day with fellow board members and some folks from other districts and vendors. Got in waaay too late, but it was good to do it without concern about what my W would think. The funny part is that she'd probably applaud it quite frankly.

I continue to notice odd interactions with her since she moved to the basement. I suspect a reaction to pulling back... checking to make sure I'm still there. And the more I'm not the more she works to check. Yesterday a few texts from her about some financial stuff. I sent one short response. Normally I would've waited until getting home from work, but since I won't be home for another few days I felt the responsibility to at least answer the question. She followed that up then with a much longer text about some houses she was looking at yesterday. I didn't answer those.

Then later she called and I let it go to voice mail. Then she sent me a text that S is sick. I replied to that, and again she followed up with some info about houses. Again I didn't reply. That's her life, not my concern.

While we were all at a reception I got a call from our house phone. That's the phone the kids use to call from so I answered it assuming it was my S or maybe SS or SD. It was my W. I asked why she was calling from the house phone... oh... she couldn't find her phone. Really? Her phone is never more than 2 inches from her... I know, because back in my snooping phase I could never find a chance to sneak it away Anyway, she's calling to tell me S is sick and now that she has me on the phone launches... yet again into info about the houses she looked at. I listened for a while and then politely told her I needed to get back to the reception and the people I was with.

And then later I called to tell the kids goodnight. Talked to all of them and as I'm finishing my W grabs the phone and starts talking to me. That doesn't happen. She launches, again, into her thoughts on these two houses. I finally decide this isn't apparently going to end until I validate so I listen for a bit. The one is too small. The other is good but only has a six month lease and she's concerned about having to move the kids when/if the owners return. She talks about vetting this through her friend who thought that the six-month house was a bad idea because it's not stable enough. That the third house is ok rent-wise but that the utilities would probably kill her (it's a huge Victorian... I'm guessing the heat bill alone is $300/month). But I listen. Finally she's done and asks what I think. I was silent for a bit and finally said, "You will know what's best for you. You and the kids have a place right now. How quickly you need to change that is really your call. I believe you're right that the kids need to move only once if that's at all possible. I am ok with you still being in the house in order to find a place that is right for the kids in all the different ways we've agreed on (location, proximity to school, rent, housing quality, etc...)."

Then her tone changed. She got much softer, said thanks, and that is trying to do what's right but it's very hard. I said that I know and that doing something right usually takes time.

It was a hard convo to have. I don't even know if should have had it. I want her to feel me gone. I think she was feeling it. At the same time I hear "love them as they want to be loved" running in my head. And at that moment it just sounded to me like she needed to know she had a safe place while she sorted out her next safe place. And I really don't want her running to the first place she finds if it isn't right for the kids. If I have to choose I'd rather let her have her space and place now, here and work on finding the right place for all of them to land.

But now as I type this I find myself second-guessing my actions. I can also see how my fixer personality is drawn to engaging with her. How I want to make it better for her. This gets very confusing. I am trying to do this from an unconditional love for her as well as being child-centric.

I did text her this morning to find out how S was doing. He was up most the night coughing and had a sore throat so W was up with him. She actually called me after my text to tell me and so I could talk with him. She was pretty tired and stressed out... I was too but at least mine was self-inflicted! (damn green fairy!)

[Mach1]

But now as I type this I find myself second-guessing my actions. I can also see how my fixer personality is drawn to engaging with her. How I want to make it better for her. This gets very confusing. I am trying to do this from an unconditional love for her as well as being child-centric.

I wouldn't second guess that too much, if at all....

I really like that you validated her in the way that you did. You were cognizant enough to know the difference now, and you saw her mood change when she felt that you were listening to her. And you cut it off before it turned sour.



How is different from the past ?

This is classic DBing. You pull away and focus on yourself, and her interest in you picks up. She starts coming toward you, because you ARE different, and she wants to know why.

That is when your actions tell her how you are different.


Stay the course......


Where did you travel to ???

[workinghardguy]

Traveled to Milwaukee for an education conference...

Feeling very conflicted and heartbroken today. The couple days away were good. Other than my W texting me with her rental house mini-drama and my S being sick, it was good to be away. Unfortunately S ended up at the hospital again this morning for respiratory issues, but got stronger asthma meds and hopefully they can help.

The conflicted and heartbroken piece is that my W has found a house. It's the one I thought the utilities would be too much, but apparently they aren't. The landlord is only willing to hold it until Feb 15... so there's my Valentine's Day present... my family moving out.

I'm conflicted because part of me is relieved to have a resolution to the detente we've been in. Because I know this is part of the process and that if we're ever to reconnect this largely has to happen. But of course I'm heartbroken because... well... I probably don't have to explain that. So much for June or April... but might as well rip the band-aid.

And honestly I've been focusing the past few days on making lemonade... knowing that this suxx but I can either do the best with the hand that's been dealt or wallow in self-pity. I want my kids to see me as the guy playing the hand not folding. And that's what I'm doing, but it is hard. With time it will be easier, but this very moment it's pretty hard.

W and I came at odds a bit today. I was unpacking and she came upstairs to talk about the move, where she will get the deposit money from, etc... I hadn't really processed much since the drive home was through constant snow and very stressful. I started to get a little emotional... not bawling, not crying.. just quiet and a little teary. She got snippy with me... accused me of guilting her. And I really had had enough right then. I told her if she was going to come upstairs, into MY room, and just start without the courtesy of asking if I could talk then she can just deal with whatever emotional state I am in. That I was not "guilting" her and that in fact my emotions were not about her. They were about my kids moving out of my house and away from me. That, frankly, if I wasn't somewhat emotional and sad about that then there's probably something very wrong with me. And lastly, since I do not ask her to not be excited about her new venture and anxious about starting on her own, then I'd appreciate it if she would not take me to task for my emotions. They are my emotions and I have as much right to have them as she has a right to have hers.

After that she apologized... she agreed that she shouldn't have just barged in to the room and she asked when would be ok to talk and I told her later we could.

After dinner she left for her friend's house. I shake my head because she wanted to go there because "three straight days with the kids, and two at home with S" has her worn out. She needs a break. Ok. It's "my weekend" with S anyway so do what you will.

And it's not that things are adversarial. She has been very... I don't know the right term, but open is maybe the right term. She has wanted my approval/opinion on the house, despite me repeatedly saying this is her call and decision... she doesn't need my blessing. I am torn because I am heartbroken that it's only a few weeks away. Yet I am happy that the house is only a mile from my house, right downtown (we live in a small town), it's even on the route of my morning run, and two blocks from a big park, two blocks from the library, etc... The kids can walk to school from there and walk/bike to my house. It really is everything we had agreed on in her finding a house.

And this coming off the trip where I really felt pretty good overall. In the past on a long trip like this I would've checked our phone records at least twice a day... driven myself nuts wondering what my W was doing, checked emails from the net nanny software. But before I left I shut the software down... I didn't look at phone records once, I didn't even wonder or worry about what W was doing. I didn't really care. I felt pretty good heading home today.

I know, deep down, that this is a process. This is one more step. Nothing new here... a few weeks now, a few weeks later, what's the big deal? Just have to fully get my head around that. In the mean time I need to continue to count what I have... kids I love, at least some type of R with my W where we can get along, talk, and interact, and all of that.

[workinghardguy]

While I was away I had opportunities to think... to take stock of things as it were. It occurred to me how very hard all of this is. I know that's a no-brainer, but I'm not talking about the pain and the heartbreak... I mean on a deeper level.

Coming off the sit down with myself where I "let my W go"... I've had to sit down with myself and wrestle with who am I? We all have titles that we associate ourselves with. Husband, father, friend, leader, neighbor, etc... For men we typically list our job first, husband second, and father third if asked to list who we are. But I've never done that... I've had more than enough of those trainings where they ask you who you are. I've always been "dad, husband, [insert job]" as my descriptor.

As I walked down the long hallways to the convention center I realized I have to redefine myself... and that's hard. For 11 of the past 17 years I've been defined as a husband or significant other. For eight of those years I've been a dad. I'm still a dad, but not a husband. That's a big chunk of me that has ceased to exist. I'm not sure yet how to disassociate myself from that role.

I also had the chance to think back... realize the good things that have come from our M. Obviously my S is an amazing thing. The fact that SS and SD have grown into the great kids that they are is a good outcome. My W's career as a nurse I think comes in there. She did the heavy lifting of going to school, but would that have ever happened had we not met? Perhaps... but finding the right mix of financial resources, support, and parenting to deal with nursing school would've been hard. My W fundamentally didn't believe she was smart enough or worthy enough to pursue her dream of becoming a nurse. It took many years of encouragement to help her take the leap. The person my W has become... at least before last July, is something positive... and that person is still in there somewhere because I still see flashes of her every now and then.

But what I also realized is how little I've grown in all that time. Yes, I'm different... I have a different job which was a huge leap for me. And the role I play now is so vastly different than it was when I was first hired. I've made that role for myself. My role as an elected office holder is also something... would I have been elected without all the friends and connections my W has in this town since she grew up here? Hard to say, but it definitely made it easier. But I haven't grown as much as I wanted to. Largely because I chose to subordinate who I wanted to be so my W could have things. That's not a dig at her... she did not ask me to do this, I chose to do it.

Just watching this part of my life roll itself up and being introspective. I can't say that I'm excited about my W and the kids moving out. But it's part of the metamorphosis. It is change. Not good or bad... it will only be that if I choose to assign it one of those values. I get to control what kind of change it will be by how I choose to engage with it and react to it.

[workinghardguy]

Spent a lot of time with my S this weekend. We went bowling, visited grandma, and hung out. Now that my W has found a house and set a moving date things are becoming more concrete for him. He asked me twice today to read him his "divorce books". He wants to put W and I back together. He made a wish the other night on a falling star that "the whole family could be happy together." Tonight he told me, "Daddy, I'm sorry you're getting a divorce." What can you say to that?

I hate seeing my son's world turned over on him. But so far he seems to be handling it well. Tonight as we read KoKo Bear he reminded me that the divorce is not his fault, or SD's fault, or SS's fault. Though I can tell that SD and S have been talking... tonight my S asked me if I knew that my W has been married TWO TIMES (imagine it said in the best voice of incredulousness that a five year old can muster). It was said in the same voice that SD used when she challenged my W on how many more marriages she was going to walk away from in her future.

Besides that it's been up and down. The date W is moving is pretty much set. There will be a lot of packing between now and then. This coming weekend is the second to last weekend they'll spend with me, at least on a regular basis. Lots of those "lasts" coming at me fast right now. Fighting hard to remain positive. To just see this as a change. To believe the words I read to my S in his books... "we are still a family, just a different type of family".

[labug]

So sorry for the pain your family is going through.

[2thepoint]

Seems like you are really managing about the best you can considering the circumstances. Just continue to be there for your kids now and after the move. They are going to need the strength that you have been demonstrating for them these past few months.

Hang in there!

[Grmpy_Mnky]

I know what you mean about the pics. I got that too and man did it ever hurt. Perhaps even more than the bomb. Cry and let it out bro. I did and I am in a better place now. I hope my W comes back, however, I am living life (without malice) as if she is gone for good. Hang in there and safe travels my friend.

[workinghardguy]

I feel like I've come to some peace about W leaving. I'll miss her and her laugh, but I'll be ok. I do alright with us until I see how it's hurting the kids, especially my S. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. Their feelings are their feelings and they just have to process them.

This morning school was delayed a few hours due to snow. I stayed home from work because of the drive and the snow. S was just being difficult, especially with SS and SD. I sat him down and asked him why he was acting the way he was. He tells me, "because if I'm naughty then you and mommy will have to stay together". Now... it's very possible that's the honest truth. It's also possible he was manipulating me knowing that the divorce makes me sad and guilty, and if he brings it up he might not get in trouble.

I do feel like I'm DBing better now. Too bad it took this long. Last night I was sitting downstairs watching the end of the NFC game. Son went to bed and I started working on stuff on the computer. Then I realized I didn't have a need or desire to see my W when she got home. So I went upstairs and worked on the computer in my bedroom. She got home and then came a sought me out to see how things went and how I was doing.

And I am looking for the small positives still. While I can't stop what's happening, and I'm working on being at peace with it and focusing on me, I'd still like things to work out some day. So two positives from yesterday... first, in the morning I was cleaning out the fridge and ended up getting a second degree burn on my finger from the lightbulb. I yelped when it happened and started treating it. My W came in to see what happened. She grabbed some aloe plant, grabbed my hand, and started helping me treat the injury. So how is this a positive? Well, back in August just before the bomb drop, W and I were at a music in the park thing. I got stung in the ear by a bee. My W not only didn't care she was seething with anger at me for getting stung. She spent the rest of the evening as far from me as possible while I sat nursing a swollen and very painful ear. I remember thinking "what the hell is wrong with you?" My reaction this time though was also a 180. I didn't swear or carry on. I just yelped when it happened and then shut up and treated the injury. I "manned up" if you will

The other "positive"... last night S and I were driving. Suddenly the cars in front of us start swerving into the ditch, and I see a car coming head on at us at about 60 mph. I steer and swerve, somehow missing the oncoming car by about 18". We end up in the ditch but alive. I'm quite sure had that car hit us I'd be dead or very seriously injured. My S would've probably made it, but not me. It was a miracle frankly that we just missed each other. I ended up texting my W that we had ditched because of a near accident. The cop who helped us out of the ditch is married to my W's friend so I figured I should tell her before she heard it elsewhere. After getting the text she calls me. Asks how I'm doing and I'm honest that I'm shaking and still pretty jumpy. She asks what happened and I recount the story. She starts crying on the phone and says to be very careful and she's glad I'm ok. She tells me to call her when I get home, and that she'll call me when she's leaving work.

So yes... it's a little sad that my near death and her reaction that it meant something is a "positive". At the same time, back in October something dangerous happened and she never responded or acted like she cared.

[workinghardguy]

Whew... got to see unhappy, bitter W last night for a bit... I continued my upstairs presence again. I like the quiet me time at night and not wondering when W will come home from work and the tension surrounding that.

But my mom called to check on some dates. This necessitated going downstairs to look at the family calendar. As I'm doing this my W comes out of the kitchen... I didn't even know she was home. I get done with my mom and as I head back upstairs I offer her a simple greeting and tell her about a change in S's wrestling schedule that would effect her this weekend.

She gives me this nasty reply full of anger. I paused for a few seconds and then simply said I didn't appreciate her tone and that if I did something to trigger it she needs to tell me so I am aware. Then she apologizes... says it's nothing I did. That her smartphone is not working and she's afraid she'll have to get a new one. That she doesn't have the money to do that with the move, but that she lives for her phone and Facebook and texting. Plus the loan officer at the bank didn't call her back about the car refi where she was going to take some cash out so she can get the deposit down on the rental house. She's worried about that and frustrated.

I listened and told her I'm sorry she's struggling and under this stress. I didn't offer any solutions... these are the challenges she will face and have to solve. Then I went upstairs. As I went W asked me if I had video recorded S at practice. I told her I did and shared it with her. We both had a bunch of laughs watching him wrestle someone else for the first time. Then I told her good night and went up to bed.

It's been hard this morning because I know she's hurting and struggling. It goes against everything in my being not to reach out and fix this for her. I won't... but it's so much part of my DNA still that going against it creates guilt and dissonance.