waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

reading your words really does mean a lot to me. it's like getting a hug from a friend and boy do i need that now.

i have taken another day off work. i am all over the map. i need another day to gather my thoughts.

tomorrow when i get home, i will give my babies hugs and kisses.. tell them how much i love them.. and then find the strength to create a beautiful life for them. it's going to be tough but they deserve so much more than what is going on now.

purg, i read 25's words to you that you had suggested.. they really spoke to me. especially about it not being the LBS's job to teach the WAS spouse a lesson.

i've been thinking about my marriage. H is younger than i am and when we met, he hadn't had any significant adult relationships. neither had i but, i did have some serious bfs in highschool and one before i met H.

i always encouraged H to become his own person but he always chose to be with me saying that we were one person. and over the years, after the kids etc.. we lost our own identities. H is constantly looking towards me for direction (this was noted by the MC as well) even as he says he wants to be independent.. stand on his own two feet and not be married. he doesn't want to live life wondering what could have been (i guess in terms of what else is out there).

my LRT now is to remove myself. i can no longer give input or talk about how kids are being affected etc. reading DB again i'm reminded that by me doing all the worrying and pressuring, i essentially relieve my H from having to worry or think about any of the consequences.

my GAL activities have been hit and miss. i need more time w/ others because i'm finding that the GAL activities i do alone are not working for me. i guess it's different if it's around the house when the kids are at home. just knowing they're close gives me comfort. that will be a big goal for me in the next couple of weeks. declutter.. and create a home where i feel at peace and know my kids are at peace w/ me.

i'm writing all this here because this way i feel as though someone has heard me and that it's not just thoughts swirling around in my head.

i'm really scared.. really worried.. really need to find the exit ramp because this highway is just going to fast for me!