waiting for the tides to change

[WenikiTiki]

Dear BF,

Hang in there, keep doing what you need to do, you WILL feel better!

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hate having bad days.

Take Care of Yourself!

Wendy

[BFloat]

Spent the night at my sister's. Even though I had slept on and off yesterday.. I still slept all night (well, tossing and turning). I must be really drained because I feel as though I can still sleep.

My MIL and my mom are friends. In fact, my MIL will be staying at my mom's for a few days next week. She told my mom she had written an email to H saying she hasn't seen him in a while. H apparently answered that he's really down these days and that he will see her soon.

Last night, talking to my sister, I started picturing what life is going to look like. Started wondering what kind of place I'll be able to afford.. Custody arrangements etc. She knows where I stand regarding M. She has actually been in contact w/ H. Apparently he was worried that I may not be eating.

Before I went to bed, I reread some of the DB book focussing mostly on the LRT. Oddly, it brought me comfort.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other..

[BFloat]

Continually posting is the only thing keeping me Sane at the moment.

I feel really lost and so far removed from the person I really am. I'm not sure where to find myself anymore.

I need some encouraging words and a firm talking to.

[purgatory]

(((BF)))

I don't think I'll have the right words for you.... but I hope that just knowing someone is out there thinking of you helps.

You find yourself by looking in your children's eyes. Our kids get all the greatest parts of us- you're *true* self is in them. I know that you aren't with them right now, and that's hard in itself. The next time you're playing with them, notice all the funny things they say or do, how they interact with each other, how they show affection.... *you* gave them all those qualities. They are a reflection of all the strength, love and hope you have in yourself.

Feeling lost and uncertain of myself is something I struggle with everyday as well. This tragedy has challenged everything I ever thought I knew about myself. Not sure of your religious beliefs (i'm not religious, just faithful), a very close friend of mine told me something that has helped give me a new perspective:
"Sometimes God has to break your will and break you down, so that His will can take over." I've been trying to give up the fight for control over this sitch. 25 said on my post that she often said out loud: "God, I turn over this marriage to you."


Someone on this board posted this on their thread a while back, sorry for not being able to properly give them credit:
"To be truly free in life takes either tragedy or courage. To my children I certainly recommend the latter. Unfortunately for lots of us it takes tragedy. But that tragedy can be either a rite of passage or something that will break you.”
Christopher Reeves

We can't let it break us for the sake of our kids.

You are never alone. ((BF))

[BFloat]

reading your words really does mean a lot to me. it's like getting a hug from a friend and boy do i need that now.

i have taken another day off work. i am all over the map. i need another day to gather my thoughts.

tomorrow when i get home, i will give my babies hugs and kisses.. tell them how much i love them.. and then find the strength to create a beautiful life for them. it's going to be tough but they deserve so much more than what is going on now.

purg, i read 25's words to you that you had suggested.. they really spoke to me. especially about it not being the LBS's job to teach the WAS spouse a lesson.

i've been thinking about my marriage. H is younger than i am and when we met, he hadn't had any significant adult relationships. neither had i but, i did have some serious bfs in highschool and one before i met H.

i always encouraged H to become his own person but he always chose to be with me saying that we were one person. and over the years, after the kids etc.. we lost our own identities. H is constantly looking towards me for direction (this was noted by the MC as well) even as he says he wants to be independent.. stand on his own two feet and not be married. he doesn't want to live life wondering what could have been (i guess in terms of what else is out there).

my LRT now is to remove myself. i can no longer give input or talk about how kids are being affected etc. reading DB again i'm reminded that by me doing all the worrying and pressuring, i essentially relieve my H from having to worry or think about any of the consequences.

my GAL activities have been hit and miss. i need more time w/ others because i'm finding that the GAL activities i do alone are not working for me. i guess it's different if it's around the house when the kids are at home. just knowing they're close gives me comfort. that will be a big goal for me in the next couple of weeks. declutter.. and create a home where i feel at peace and know my kids are at peace w/ me.

i'm writing all this here because this way i feel as though someone has heard me and that it's not just thoughts swirling around in my head.

i'm really scared.. really worried.. really need to find the exit ramp because this highway is just going to fast for me!

[WenikiTiki]

Hey BF!

I did figure out one problem I was having with my GAL activities. I was trying to do new things. What is working for me is to do old things I used to love to do but now had quit doing. What were your old go-to's? I love to make things. I have dusted off some unfinished projects. It feels better for me because I don't have the anxiety of trying something totally new.

I used to make the most amazing pinecone wreaths. I used random stuff to embellish the pinecones. Natural stuff gathered on hikes. I plan to start doing that here in Hawaii. No pinecones, but no shortage of fun thigs to try and dry and craft with!

So for you to be with friends more is there an activity you can schedule weekly/monthly? BUNCO, dinner group, game night, book club, wine tasting? Okay, THANKS for helping me figure out some ideas for me!

And yes, let him worry for awhile! One of my H's main complaints was that he didn't want to be the idenity that was "US". So hard to have been depended on and now pushed away!

Hey, I heard you!

[JamesG]

(((BF)))

You are not alone! There are many people here who are in your situation now or have been in your shoes. I am a member of the former group. The entire process is such a roller coaster ride. On top of that, the thoughts pounding around in your head can make you crazy. Several wise posters have recommended detaching and disconnecting your happiness from some action or inaction of your S. I cannot speak to anyone else's experience but my own but, for me, allowing my WAS to dictate my happiness has caused me nothing but unhappiness. At the same time, because I want to be with my WAS and want my M to work, I struggle to let go and backslide regularly. It is scary struggle to let go of something that you want to hold onto so desperately, especially with little ones involved. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. God speed.

[BFloat]

Thank you James and Wendy for hearing me.

I have been completely stuck for days. I am just counting down the time until I am with my kids again. I need to see them to put everything back into perspective.

I have been trying to detach but obviously unsuccessfully because it's true, I am so affected on H's actions or inactions. I obsess on what he says and what he does... I am so desperate to see something change and yet it never happens. And it had left me completely drained and a shadow of my former self.

I truly need to find happiness for myself and for my kids apart from H because I'm going to drown if i don't. My kids deserve better. My kids deserve more. If H is not willing to give that to them, then I have every intention of doing so.

I just need to get home and see them.

[BklynMom]

It is so hard for me when I am not with my kids. I think especially because they are babies being separated just doesnt feel right.

I think we expect too much of ourselves and need to be gentle. This is a traumatic experience and while we need to GAL and do 180s we also need time to cry. Do your best to balance the 2.

[purgatory]

Take your time away from them to cry and feel all the sadness.... because once you are around them, they need you to be happy and fun- since we all know that's what they deserve.

I guess I'm lucky because I see both my boys everyday, even on the days that it's H's turn. I'm not sure how I will handle not being around them for 2 weeks (while I take my 'healing' vacation)... I'm sure I'll be posting some emotional trauma too.

The fact that you are so determined to create a better life for them because "they deserve more" is a testament to what a great mom you are

and not to hijack, but Bklyn- you too are showing your true strength as a mom everyday in the life that you are creating for your kids.

((BF)) You know that you have the ability to pick yourself up and create a path towards the best future for you and your kids.... you've just gotten lost a little along the way. I hope you find your way back with the help of your family and this board, we are all rooting for you