First time post here, I have read many of your stories and my heart goes out to you. I have Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and am working my way through both of them. My drama has been going on since before August 2011, as with many I have been doing all the wrong things, especially during the holidays looking back, so I am going black today to try and get some type of different response from my wife.
So a little history. This is my second marriage, I met her the same month my first divorce was finalized which probably was an issue in and of itself. Beautiful, smart, caring, loving young woman. She also was bankrupt due to issues in her first marriage, and has three children by two different men, father of the first is incarcerated for shooting someone in the back during a robbery attempt. Her home life growing up was not stable at all. She is 30 and her children are 16, 11, and 7. I never got the details of the entire story but she said she was raped but decided to keep the first child. The second and third child were fathered by someone who was effectively a deadbeat dad and left her bankrupt. So she had one child at 14, a second child at 19, and the third at 23. She also had an abortion at some point, I think after the third child on the realization that they could not handle a fourth child and then had her tubes tied. In addition to this her mother has been married I think 6 times in total. So all in all, she has had much adversity in her life. She is very smart, beautiful, is very hardworking and very successful in her career, and is a salt of the earth woman which is why I married her.
Then there is me, 37, no kids, successful corporate guy with my own bag of issues. Some being my selfishness and infidelity in my first marriage, my cheating on my second wife while we were dating (I never even looked at another woman during our marriage however). I also have significant self esteem issues that led to a womanizing streak between the marriages that’s really a long story for another forum.
We met in February of 2009 and got married in May of 2010. I asked her to marry me because I obviously wanted her to be my wife, and to prove to her that I was done messing with any other women. We got engaged in December 2009, I moved in with her at this time and our relationship was very good during this time in my opinion (probably mainly because I wasn’t going out at all and staying with her 100% of the time). She had self esteem issues with her body based on my prior actions and some things I had said, so I went to bat with 22k of plastic surgery for her just prior to our getting married in May.
I also helped her work out selling her house to a family member which allowed her to climb out of bankruptcy, and bought us a house in April of 2010, to allow her to get sole custody of her kids as well as give them their own rooms for the first time. Bought her a new car for her birthday in August of 2010 which was also a first. Her love language was receiving gifts so I definitely have done my part in this regard.
Up to this point I probably sound like a dream come true but that is certainly not the case. I had an alcohol problem, didn’t drink a lot but when I did I would get plowed and was verbally abusive toward her on a number of occasions. In all honesty I don’t know many of the things I said to her, but I feel that many of them were brought on by the financial pressures that existed since I was burdened by all our financial obligations. She was certainly contributing significantly to the household, but all of the credit was in my name and there was no support being provided for the children except she an I. I also had a hard time with the transition to the role of stepfather. I was always nice to the kids and gave them plenty of things, but I was not as generous with my time and attention and affection toward them as I should have been and I very much regret that.
So there were a number of altercations we had in 2011, and I will take responsibility for most of those based on my verbal abuse after drinking. We ended up physically separating in September 2011 (I took on all the marital debt including the remainder of her surgical expenses) at which point I stopped drinking and was making every effort to put 100% into trying to reconcile our situation. The problem was, that my wife had already started an online relationship with another man, and coereced me into leaving the home that I built for us on the guise of “giving us some time” while she was talking to this other man for hours on end and planning weekend getaways with him. She lied about this when I presented the fact that she started talking a blocked number at all hours of the night the night that I left our marital home.
This really becomes a hair splitting matter of timing I guess, because our last altercation was while she was on a business trip to Minnesota, at which point she says that was the breaking point of our marriage. This was never exactly clear to me. We continued to see each other at times, I spent a number of nights over at the house, and on October 9th had two of my stepchildren and took them to a band competition that my stepson was in. That night I came back to my house and came in because I brought them dinner back, and found a gmail account with all of the communications, naked pictures back and forth etc proving her dealings with this other man. I contacted this man and told him to leave my wife alone and confronted her with this information. I told her we could get past this and that I forgave her and wanted to work on our marriage. In response she filed a 50B restraining order against me on the basis of she was fearful for her and her childrens safety when I had never laid a hand on nor threatened anyone. She put this order in place because I busted up her affair and her affair partner dumped her at this point supposedly.
Despite the 50B being in place we continued to communicate at times. She was no longer comfortable living in our house because it was in my name, so she persued another rental property. I provided her funds to get into this rental property and she swore she was no longer corresponding with the prior affair partner. Much to my surprise this was not the case, and when I saw a Mercedes in front of her new house one Sunday morning without thinking I just knocked and walked in because I wanted to meet the individual who was interfering with my attempts to reconcile my marriage. My wife called the cops and I spent the night in jail for violating the 50B restraining order. She swears up and down and I believe that she is not romantically involved with this other man.
Ironically we continued to communicate, and ended up spending time together over Christmas and New Years even having sex a couple of times. I continued my gift giving trying to give her and the children the best Christmas possible, culminating in helping her get into a BMW that she had always wanted. She is paying for the car I just helped her with the financing.
After new years I finished the arrangements for renting the marital home and have moved about 30 minutes away from her. We really haven’t seen each other significantly since new years.
Her statements continue to be that “I can’t force the walls down to let you back in”. By all accounts from her the marriage is over and there is no chance of our reconciling.
In my heart I know that she still loves me. I take ownership of the things that I did to hurt her, but when you take a sum total of our relationship the good far outweighs the bad. I have stopped drinking, strengthened my relationship with God, and made many other changes but none of these things had helped our situation at all.
Our last positive communication was January 3rd, she said “Just want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me and the kids over the holidays. You always take good care of me and I appreciate it. I need some time alone though, I’m not seeing or talking to anybody. I’m just spending time alone. I need some time to get myself and life together. I want you to be happy though, so I encourage you to date other people.”
Then I sent her this “Love is a cycle. When you love, you get hurt, when you get hurt, you hate. When you hate, you try to forget, when you try to forget, you start missing. And when you start missing, you’ll eventually fall in love again”.
To which she responded: “You need to learn to let me miss you”.
So in short, I really screwed up during the holidays. I should have “went dark” during that time as I still met her wants and needs during that time while still being treated like a doormat.
So I am going dark as of today. The 50B order expires on 2/13. I had extravagant plans for Valentines day but am going to scrap all of those. My only hope is that that day with no contact from me will be a really significant shock to her system. By her own admission I have always made her dreams come true. I can’t figure out to make her realize that I have a changed heart and want to do nothing but be happy with her and our family.
Any thoughts or better ideas than going dark at this point? I feel like the last resort technique is my only hope. Thanks in advance for any feedback you can provide, God Bless you all. :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
+ what are your plans for working on some of the things you would like to better in your life? Your interactions with others, whether you R with your W or move on and find someone new (eventually).
+ your W let you know what she wants, being "space" and suggesting she needs "time to miss you". Whether she wants to have the space to miss you or just wants to plan her exit strategy, what are you going to do to give her that space?
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and reply Kaffe I greatly appreciate it. To answer your questions:
I am going to individual counseling to get a handle on my personal issues. I have stopped drinking, have started back to church regularly and am working on my relationship with God. I have been doing a lot of reading on a variety of topics, including blended families and how to be a better stepfather. I started the first college savings fund for the kids. I have been going to DivorceCare. I took the kids to a a college basketball game on the 10th that was the last time that I saw them or her. I have been doing all the right things that should allow her to see changes in me but to no avail. I also attend domestic violence/anger management classes (25 to go) as per the court order for violating the 50B. I am doing this with an open mind and actively participating, but the fact that the 50B was ever put into place in the first place was a joke. I own up to the fact that I was verbally abusive to her when under the influence on a handful of occasions, but I never once said anything inappropriate to the children, nor threatened or touched anyone in anything but a loving way. Retrospectively I should have testified to get it dismissed but at the time I was just wanting to appease her. She obviously wasn't fearful when I had her kids the day before she put the order in place. This was her mechanism for retaliating for the fact that I busted up the affair with her Doctor friend. Obviously this is a sore spot for me, and most people think I am crazy for wanting to reconcile with a woman I have done so much for, only to be subjected to all of this up to and including spending a night in jail... The law looks at things in black and white unfortunately, in reality the thing I was guilty of was trying to do everything within reason to save my marriage. Unfortuately as per the DB and DR mantra I have been doing all of the WRONG things obviously. I am working on being happy with myself, and I know I can find plenty of women who will love for me, but despite everything that has went on, the challenges of a blended family, I love her, my stepchildren, and would do anything to have the chance to start over.
The second piece is the hard part. I have heard what she said and she had hinted to this at some time. Over the holidays she said "If you had reacted/handled things differently there's no telling where we would be right now". That glimmer of hope was one of the things that made me mess up and go over the top with the niceties over the holidays. Obviously now the holidays are over and now that she wants nothing to do with me, that doesn't feel so great, and it also makes me think. That actually led to me saying something I regret toward the end of last week. When she made the statement that "I'm sorry I just can't force the walls down" I made a statement to the effect "but you can seemingly force them down when you want something". She blew up insuitating that I was calling her a gold digger, which I honestly wasn't, but regardless this was not the right the thing to say given the situation I am in since it wasn't a "positive" statement... But then again I guess there is the possibility that I have been completely played for a fool and maybe I don't even know who she really is. In my heart I just know that is not the case though. I started things off on the wrong foot when we were dating, but I was nothing but faithful to her during our engagement and marriage. Long story short, I am giving her space by implementing the last resort technique. We have been physically separated since September, she and her kids are in a rental home about 1.5 miles from our marital home. I have our marital home on the rental market because it was underwater I would have had to shed about $17k to sell it (again, as with any non-cash transactions during our relationship/marriage, this was/is my personal responsibility). All the finances are already settled, the only ties we have are some items that I have stored in her garage and the BMW that I got her for Christmas. She made the first payment on time and is working to finance it in her name. So really in terms of an "exit strategy" there is very little left to exit if that is her choice, in NC there is a 1 year waiting period for divorce after separation and that isn't until September. If a divorce is filed she will do it and pay for it, I certainly am not going to, unless I have some other epiphany beween now and then. As hard as it is implementing the LRT is seemingly the last card that I have to play.
This whole ordeal consumes me on a daily basis, obviously I constantly think about what she is doing and with whom. I do things for myself, workout, eat right, etc. That doesn't change the fact that my number one priority is to do whatever I can to improve the situation between she and I in the hopes of our starting over. I am problem solver by nature which has led me to do all the wrong things up to now, but when the way forward is going to look from her perspective that I am "doing nothing" that just drives me crazy... I have tried to purge her from mind and stop loving her but I just cannot do it, that is also remarkably frustrating.
Everything I read says things will get better wiith time, but I honestly don't feel that that's the case. For me "getting better" would constitute my not constantly thinking about her, our family, and our marriage. I am actually thinking maybe she is having a female MLC given all of the prior adversity in her life. Another thing about me is I certainly suffer from the "white night syndrome", as more or less any woman I have had a long term relationship with has some significant issues that I have ended up helping them with. I could ramble and ramble but I guess I'll stop here for now. So I implement the LRT and wait, I think that's really my only recourse at this point.
Thanks again for your time in reading my story and your kind feedback Kaffe, have a great week!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and reply Kaffe I greatly appreciate it. To answer your questions:
I am going to individual counseling to get a handle on my personal issues. I have stopped drinking, have started back to church regularly and am working on my relationship with God. I have been doing a lot of reading on a variety of topics, including blended families and how to be a better stepfather. I started the first college savings fund for the kids. I have been going to DivorceCare. I took the kids to a a college basketball game on the 10th that was the last time that I saw them or her. I have been doing all the right things that should allow her to see changes in me but to no avail. I also attend domestic violence/anger management classes (25 to go) as per the court order for violating the 50B. I am doing this with an open mind and actively participating, but the fact that the 50B was ever put into place in the first place was a joke. I own up to the fact that I was verbally abusive to her when under the influence on a handful of occasions, but I never once said anything inappropriate to the children, nor threatened or touched anyone in anything but a loving way. Retrospectively I should have testified to get it dismissed but at the time I was just wanting to appease her. She obviously wasn't fearful when I had her kids the day before she put the order in place. This was her mechanism for retaliating for the fact that I busted up the affair with her Doctor friend. Obviously this is a sore spot for me, and most people think I am crazy for wanting to reconcile with a woman I have done so much for, only to be subjected to all of this up to and including spending a night in jail... The law looks at things in black and white unfortunately, in reality the thing I was guilty of was trying to do everything within reason to save my marriage. Unfortuately as per the DB and DR mantra I have been doing all of the WRONG things obviously. I am working on being happy with myself, and I know I can find plenty of women who will love for me, but despite everything that has went on, the challenges of a blended family, I love her, my stepchildren, and would do anything to have the chance to start over.
The second piece is the hard part. I have heard what she said and she had hinted to this at some time. Over the holidays she said "If you had reacted/handled things differently there's no telling where we would be right now". That glimmer of hope was one of the things that made me mess up and go over the top with the niceties over the holidays. Obviously now the holidays are over and now that she wants nothing to do with me, that doesn't feel so great, and it also makes me think. That actually led to me saying something I regret toward the end of last week. When she made the statement that "I'm sorry I just can't force the walls down" I made a statement to the effect "but you can seemingly force them down when you want something". She blew up insuitating that I was calling her a gold digger, which I honestly wasn't, but regardless this was not the right the thing to say given the situation I am in since it wasn't a "positive" statement... But then again I guess there is the possibility that I have been completely played for a fool and maybe I don't even know who she really is. In my heart I just know that is not the case though. I started things off on the wrong foot when we were dating, but I was nothing but faithful to her during our engagement and marriage. Long story short, I am giving her space by implementing the last resort technique. We have been physically separated since September, she and her kids are in a rental home about 1.5 miles from our marital home. I have our marital home on the rental market because it was underwater I would have had to shed about $17k to sell it (again, as with any non-cash transactions during our relationship/marriage, this was/is my personal responsibility). All the finances are already settled, the only ties we have are some items that I have stored in her garage and the BMW that I got her for Christmas. She made the first payment on time and is working to finance it in her name. So really in terms of an "exit strategy" there is very little left to exit if that is her choice, in NC there is a 1 year waiting period for divorce after separation and that isn't until September. If a divorce is filed she will do it and pay for it, I certainly am not going to, unless I have some other epiphany beween now and then. As hard as it is implementing the LRT is seemingly the last card that I have to play.
This whole ordeal consumes me on a daily basis, obviously I constantly think about what she is doing and with whom. I do things for myself, workout, eat right, etc. That doesn't change the fact that my number one priority is to do whatever I can to improve the situation between she and I in the hopes of our starting over. I am problem solver by nature which has led me to do all the wrong things up to now, but when the way forward is going to look from her perspective that I am "doing nothing" that just drives me crazy... I have tried to purge her from mind and stop loving her but I just cannot do it, that is also remarkably frustrating.
Everything I read says things will get better wiith time, but I honestly don't feel that that's the case. For me "getting better" would constitute my not constantly thinking about her, our family, and our marriage. I am actually thinking maybe she is having a female MLC given all of the prior adversity in her life. Another thing about me is I certainly suffer from the "white night syndrome", as more or less any woman I have had a long term relationship with has some significant issues that I have ended up helping them with. I could ramble and ramble but I guess I'll stop here for now. So I implement the LRT and wait, I think that's really my only recourse at this point.
Thanks again for your time in reading my story and your kind feedback Kaffe, have a great week!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
You sound like you are doing a lot of work to move yourself forward and that's great.
You indicate you are concerned that as you are doing this work, you are seeing no positive changes. It is often compared to trying to stop a loaded freight train going at full speed. It will take time just to notice, then it will take even more time to slow down, come to a stop, and begin to reverse...
Any work you are doing revolving around patience... it will be well used, here. This is a journey of small steps and long waits. We all have our limits, and you may find you didn't think you had it in you to make it as far as you get or to actually reconcile.
I appreciate you indicate the 50B was a joke and I expect you are not taking it lightly. Still, I am sure that anyone who doesn't know you and wasn't there, certainly wouldn't be taking it as a joke. And as much as you might THINK your W did it to punish you, understand that however far she may have been to YOUR truth of the sitch, she may actually believe the charge was valid and actually really believes she and the kids were at risk.
As crappy as that might feel for you, this is where you need to come from. It is the start of your journey and could very well be a lot lower than the starting position you THOUGHT you were at.
Rather than argue about it, just accept it. If things really weren't as bad, like you say... then it won't be much effort to get back to where you FELT your starting point was. But DO the work and show remorse. Validate that your W felt concerned. There is no need of admission of guilt, because in a zero tolerance society, any charge IS guilt.
Again, to repeat and stress. If things really weren't as bad, then it will not take much effort to move forward in the beginning. Just do what is necessary without resistance and get past it, otherwise you will be stuck in it for a long time.
I do not want to downplay your W's position. We like to stress that each person contributed to the breakdown of the M. We need to own OUR PARTS and leave our spouses ownership of their parts to them.
Having said that, your W is using some classic "script" such as saying "If you had done X, we would have been further along". You may get many recitals of these scripts. Get used to it. As you work through this and post questions, concerns, and vent, we will be here to support you and help you clue in to these things.
Whether your W is truly manipulative will show up in time, but there may be a risk that if the 50B was manipulation, she may hold it over your head to manipulate you to do her bidding, and could threaten you with further charges. You need to protect yourself. You need to be sure that if you feel you need witnesses during encounters with your W or kids, then make sure you have those witnesses.
You recognized that you went over the top over christmas and that is important for you. These situations become a push / pull problem. You chase, she runs, she demands, you give, she translates it to you chasing... rinse and repeat... You are the only one who can break that cycle.
I also want to point out something that I found was really great in your post. You said:
"Everything I read says things will get better wiith time, but I honestly don't feel that that's the case. For me "getting better" would constitute my not constantly thinking about her, our family, and our marriage."
So many people have problems describing details of what a better future would look like. It would be fantastic if you could create more of these clear, concise goals. Because without goals, with clarity, how do you know things are better?
And yes, LRT... your sitch is so truly a candidate for LRT. There's a list of "rules" for LRT that is passed around here. Hopefully someone can paste them here for you before I have to go hunting for them. Honestly... I don't know why those rules aren't stickied in this forum.
Anyhow, keep posting. If you need a safe place to journal, so that you can look back and see progress and if you need to vent, this is a safe place to do it. We might call you on why you feel you need to vent, but we know people need to vent and support that.
Also, the more you post, the sooner you will be off moderation and the more people will read your thread and offer support.
Thanks again Kaffe, your opinion and commentary are being extremely helpful to me. I think this is the list of 37 "rules" to which you are referring correct? I have not communicated with her in any way since last Friday. She is on a business trip this week which should make this week pretty easy to deal with. Here's the list of rules I found and have been and will continue to abide by until I see some change in her:
These are atributable to Sandi.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
And to feedback on some of your other points, I have definitely found that patience is going to have to be a key part of this entire exercise. There have been some positive steps along the way (for example her wanting to spend time together at Christmas and New Years in the face of the 50B order).
Granted I am extremely stupid for speaking with or spending time with her at all until it expires in February, I honestly felt that some time together during the holidays would help us out. I think it did given the fact we were intimate on multiple occasions and also given what she said during the holidays. And my saying the 50B order is a joke probably isn’t the best way to put it. I guess the way I look at it is, I had my stepkids the night before/morning she issued the 50B. I didn’t threaten her or say anything remotely hostile to her after finding out about the affair. I said that we could work through this, that I forgave her and please find it in her heart to stop the behavior and allow us to work on our marriage. She was in such a fantasy world with the other man she was literally crushed and crying that he had dumped her. I could understand if he would have wanted to put a restraining order against me as he actually did have a valid reason. So I agree with your opinion that I need to respect the opinion of my wife, but she and I both know she has never had any reason to be fearful of me, perhaps of my mouth on occasion, but never by me physically. She even went to DA to try to get the charges of my violating the order dropped, but unfortunately the DA wouldn’t budge on the charges. Everything will be dropped after I complete these classes and the 1 year anniversary of the charges comes around (December 2012).
So I actually had class today and we had some worthwhile dialogue, there is no question that this class is going to help me out. One of the things we spoke about was owning up to your actions and apologizing, which I have done with her many times over and have been doing for many months. In spite of all of my apologies and nice things I have done for her and her kids, she has never provided an ioto of remorse for her elicit affair. It’s going to be hard for me to find closure to this one way or the other until she apologizes I think. I also think that she likely has a lot of pent up guilt and feels bad about everything that she has put me through over the last 5 months, and I think that is probably hurting our relationship. I am hopeful that she will come to grips with all of that, understand that I have already forgiven her, and just want the chance for us to at least consider starting over at some point.
As far as remorse I have told her the way I handled the entire situation was wrong. Even though her elicit affair was wrong, it was wrong for me to step and try to control the situation. That sounds extremely stupid for me to say as any man in his right mind is going to fight for his wife and his marriage if he truly loves her, which was what I did. This other man was a new cancer to my attempts at reconcile and I wanted it cut out, and I was eventually successful. But given where we are now and what she has said, I honestly think if I would have let it run it’s course, she would have wanted me to come back to our marital home a long time ago. Now she’s in another house and I have the marital home on the rental market praying for a tenant… IF she will ever open her heart again, I think we will be in a good place to try and work on things, hopefully together.
On your other point, I know she won’t use the 50B as leverage, as although she may be manipulative she is not that cold. The things I did over the holidays were out of the goodness of my heart, she never asked for anything at all, suggested I didn’t get them gifts etc. The fact of the matter is their Christmas was more enjoyable which was why I did what I did. We would probably be talking now if I did have my minor case of diarrhea of the mouth last week. So in short, as far as the 50B is concerned, it expires the day before Valentines. I have no intention of communicating with her before then, nor on Valentines day for that matter to try and prove the point that I am moving on with my life. It sounds as if you think the children are ours when they are all three her children, I hope that I again get the opportunity to be a better stepfather to them, but the 50B kind of took that out of play for now, although I did take them to a hoops game a couple of weeks ago. After the 50B expires I am hoping to start playing tennis/basketball with my stepsons again as well as maybe taking my stepdaughter bikeriding or something. I love and miss them very much as well.
I am done pursuing, I am done giving gifts, I am done doing anything except abiding by the 37 rules and working my LRT. I am looking forward to her reaction when she contacts me and I don’t respond.
You mention what a better future means to me and what I said holds true, I think with each passing day that is going to be subject to change. On Mondays when I have to leave work early, drive an hour round trip and sit in a domestic violence class for an hour and half, my opinion may lean toward “after all I have done for her, and I look at what she has done for me, why in my right mind would I want to reconcile”. But the bottom line is that I love the woman with all of my heart. That is why I started fighting in the first place. My life would be exponentially easier if I didn’t, if we reconcile I will be the one helping raise two other people’s children through their teenage years, and I will be the one helping put them through college, and helping them though any of lifes struggles. I would do this because I love them and her, they have got a raw deal in life through no fault of their own, and I hate that is the case. When I write about them it sounds negative and I am not trying to sound that way. The fact of the matter is that I have options, one to be the husband, stepfather, spiritual leader and family man that I know that I can be, and roll with the pluses and minus that ride with that. Alternatively I can be a successful 38 year old single guy who is pretty damaged that has some bruises and cuts to heal, but that really would not have too many cares in the world and could jump a plane to tahiti at a moments notice. . I have never had issues finding female companionship so that isn’t a point of concern. I am still reeling from the betrayal of being cheated on, that is something that has never happened to me, to my knowledge anyway prior to this incident.
At this point I am not ready to give up and my goal is to hopefully eventually be able to start working with my wife on our relationship, and see where it leads. I have hope but no expectations, as given her behavior it would be stuipid to have any expectations at all.
Day 4 of my LRT is in the books, we’ll see what day 5 will bring.
I’m going to keep posting too to hopefully get my moderation wings clipped, it will be much easier to contribute to others situations once that happens. ;-)
Thanks again Kaffe you are the best! I have been following your posts and you always have great advice. It also sounds like your sitch is in a relatively stable place I hope that continues and you are able to build upon that. Thanks again for your help!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Still no contact... With each passing day I start to second guess why I am even doing this. The woman I love with my heart and soul, in the face of evertyhing I have done since we met for her and her kids, still did all of these things to me. At no point has she showed any type of remorse or offered any type of apology. And she couldn't care less if she communicates with me in any way or not. Very frustrated today but maintaining the LRT for now. Hopefully I will come off of moderation soon so I can actively post to the forums...
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Another night of night sweats that have been a common occurrance since she and I physically separated. Not every night but more often than not. I know it's not medical because it never happened prior to our separation, and over the past months when we spent the night together it didn't happen, and even on days when we had productive/pleasant interactions it didn't happen.
She's still on a business trip but I haven't heard a peep from her. During our last conversation I had asked her to let me know that she got there safely and got the "I'm a grown woman I'll be fine" response.
I feel like I need to vent but I also feel like continuing to come here, reading and trying to comment on other people's situations is making me dwell on this even more. I look at other people's situations where children are involved and still things don't end up working out. That makes me feel like I'm probably wasting my time and emotional energy. I still can't figure out if she is a WAW or going through a MLC or is both. Given the fact she chose to walk, even though in doing so she "decided" to become a single mom with 3 kids again (since they are not "mine" obviously there is no further support from me in that way). With each passing day I can feel my heart's door closing an inch or two. The common statement I keep coming back to is after everything I have done for them, how on earth in her heart can she keep doing this to me? As recent as the holidays she was in my arms, I was rubbing her back and feet like I always did and we were even physically intimate. Obviously not "making love" intimate but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. I always treated her like a princess, minus the handful of episodes where my mouth got out of control, and she would readily attest to that. Then after the holidays she totally shuts down, she said she is working on herself and not going to date anyone, but I woudn't put it past her that there may be OM at this point. I am sure safety and security are a major concern for her at this point, and what better way to cure that than "latching on" to the next one. I still can't believe after taking on a single mother with three and loving and supporting them in the best way I knew how, that this is where I sit. I guess one thing going for me is that I don't know many men who are going to step to the plate of a single mom of three. I know of many who would love to get her in the sack because she is a gorgeously sexy woman, but to take that on in a "long term/marriage" possiblity I think is a differnt story.
This LRT is only 5 days old and it is killing me. I am certainly GAL but that is not helping me get my mind off of this at all. Going out of town this weekend and greatly looking forward to that, but regardless of where I am or what I am doing, or with whom, I will continue to think about her. I am making myself a better man, but every day that goes by I just don't think it's going to matter to her.
I am at work and should be concentrating on other things but I can't, because this consumes 75% of my brain cycles at least. I have other women actively persuing me but I don't care, all I want is her and my stepkids back. I am very logical person and logically my path doesn't make any sense. My family and friends think the best thing for me to do is to let it go, and she has told me this as well. The fact that I can't do it proves my love for her right? I'm not holding on for any other reason, obviously not for fear of loneliness, security, or any other purpose. This woman TAUGHT me love, that's why I have already fought so long.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for anyone's feedback and good luck and God's blessing to all of you.
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
