Check out Pat Love's web site. In the downloads section there is a document about what defines an "office spouse". You and W may want to agree exactly about what is over the line and what is not. W may feel that texting off-hours with a male coworker is totally fine and to you it may be way over the line. If you don't discuss and agree in advance, you're headed for trouble.
It's important to make that discussion mutual. It's not about what she must and must not do. It's about what you *both* agree to do. You are both human, you both like attention from the opposite sex, you will both be tempted. It's what you do with that temptation that matters -- the temptation in itself is not a sin, it's being human.
The Pat Love document gives you a very good checklist for a very specific discussion about what is OK and what is not between the two of you.
After my W's EA, we reviewed the list and agreed on what's ok and what is not, and then agreed that if either of us are tempted by a coworker (or anyone else), that we will disclose it to the other person. When that happens, we won't be scolded or reprimanded, we'll examine if we have issues in our marriage that are contributing to the situation that we need to address, and if not, work together on dealing with the issue. One thing Pat Love recommends is getting together with the third party so that they get to meet you too -- that has all kinds of benefits.
You are in a precarious position right now, don't underestimate how much you contributed to this situation and how much you need to do, regardless of what W has done. If you focus on W, W's problems, and what W needs to do to restore your trust, then you're really missing the boat. Look in the mirror first. If you know you're the kind of husband that only a fool would leave, then you really won't care about keeping tabs on W and OM, because you'll know you won't need to. If you're meeting all W's needs and making her feel loved, there will be no room for anyone else.
Along those lines, I suggest you read "The Five Love Languages" -- it should be required reading before you get married. You should both read it and discuss it together -- it's quick and effective. It's also available on Kindle which you can read on your iPhone, blackberry, or PC.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Coming back together is tough but there are hugs. I've forgiven her but not getting a sense of gravity/remorse from her, she was so happy with him and unhappy with me and she's still churning it all over. She told me today how she's missing that attention. I want to write her a love letter. I don't have the books yet, don't know if this is a good idea.
watch your expectations regarding gravity and remorse. because W's affair was interrupted (vs. dying on its own accord), it may take her longer to develop perspective.
also, pay close attention to the therapy process. if it becomes solely focused on her affair there is a risk she will disengage and/or drop out. allowing therapy to be a balanced forum may be very challenging for you to do because of your own emotions. yet, if the ultimate goal is to save your marriage, you'll need to do some difficult but rewarding things.
We spent the day with the kids, she seemed emotionally detached from me today. I feel like we are both withdrawing, my anxiety levels are through roof, only getting a couple of hours sleep at nights. Wish the DR book would get here, will it help me to know how I should be relating to her? I don't know how far to go, I want to make sure she knows I'm not pushing away but don't know how far to pursue.
make eye contact when she talks and show that you are LISTENING
tell her how much she means to you but that you are conflicted about attention giving vs pressure.
Her comment though, suggests she misses ATTENTION and my guess is her love languages are Quality time and words of affirmation--I don't know her though.
But she SAID she misses the attention OM gave her. That's a big clue...and you can read the first chapter of DR online I think...there are tons of resources on this site now
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey 25yearsmic. Thank you I will do that, you are right about eye contact, I must be more aware. We can do quality time and I think more so the words of affirmation. When I compliment her at the moment her response is OMG are you alright?
Read the first chapter online, books here, I can pick it up tomorrow. Went to a new counselor today, W was uncomfortable with previous for valid reasons. New counselors pent most of the time understanding ourselves, our relationship to date and wasn't till the very end that the EA/PA came up. She was pretty straight that the EA/PA could not be happening during this process and W agreed. Session ended. We're back in two weeks.
W had no contact with OM coworker for 3 days now since telling him but she's back at work next week. We discussed the session for a while after and I expressed my concerns about the work environment, how he'd pursue her, and we had a pretty open conversation about how to handle it. I'm trying not to demand/dictate so really wanted her to understand the validity of the concern. She was reading up on relationship endings on the net tonight, said she'll avoid contact, if he contacts her tell him straight it's over and to leave her alone and have someone else deal with him from a business perspective.
It was a pretty frank discussion, I believe her intent, it will be a week since she's seen him when she returns, she's going through a withdrawal at the moment. So we'll see how it goes next week. I want to make sure I'm leaving no holes for this guy possibly fill until we get to our next session. I'm still very anxious about it.
We got through the weekend, it was hard to stay positive but managed to get through,did some things with the kids. Now W is back at work today, risk of seeing OM. I think I'm close to a nervous breakdown over this. I'm just trying to find my way to see our counselor in a couple of days. Started reading DR. I'm on Step 2 but stuck on asking her to leave her job. It's the world to her, but it's also the place where she's had the affair.
So we had our counseling session yesterday. It was pretty frank and open conversation, I'm emotionally dependant and controlling, she's too willing to placate everyone, we've got work to do there but at least we're talking. She's still working which is killing me, the counselor outlined some rules around that, no contact, full disclosure etc. I have to let go of something and let that happen. Just finished DR chapter 4.
let the c guide you....but banishing her from her job sounds a lot like the old you
and it would backfire...it's her choice. And who knows, she may be able to work "around" him without it getting out of hand.
I've seen it happen
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
