25yearsmlc message to peeps

[25yearsmlc]

Sure Keep

(I wondered how you were doing..check out purgatory's thread sometime if you can)...

SOME WAS's leave relatively decent marriages b/c they are bored or unhappy with THEIR own lives....or they want space to breathe and are having MLCs or are tired of the fighting and want OUT...going dark MIGHT be a wise move at some point, esp if other approaches fail.


IF they have an OP and left a m that seemed relatively peaceful, then going dark may be the best thing so that good memories can resurface and the WAS can snap out of the fact they're just bored or unhappy with THEIR Lives, not their m's

Other WASs leave b/c they were neglected, compromised, ignored and mistreated for a long time.

Their love tanks have been running on fumes for so long...they crave intimacy and approval from someone...they wished it was their spouse - but at some point, they gave up on that, and left...hoping to find it elsewhere, or to just not get anymore negative feedback from their mates...

for THOSE WASs, I don't see going dark as helpful.


Depends on their love languages, which love tank wasn't full, (ie was it no quality time together? Or words of affirmation? Both??? Gifts??) Not always simple or easy to know,

or are they sick & Tired of the spouse and fighting all the time--
...but a lot of LBSers who are not very brave, cling to the idea that the m was "fine...a few problems but no biggies" to avoid brave introspection or owning their own role in the problems...and they LOVE going dark b/c it's the path of least resistance (after weeks or months of pleading and arguing their cases first)

but if the spouse left b/c they were mistreated by the LBSers...

(and the wise daring LBSer knows their role -and I count you as being among the bravest I've seen...)

then the LBSer has different changes to make and reveal, and different 180s and GAL.

Make sense?

MY main change was in response to my h-how we interacted. Yes I think I can fairly say he did some selfish things. But my reaction rarely, if ever, helped.
As a L, I felt arguing was fair, and desirable. But no matter how many facts I marshalled or how brilliant and cogent my words...I never "won"...

sometimes I got 'reprieves' from h, probably to keep the peace...but of course, I kept doing that approach...for years....(b/c I was "RIGHT!!!!" No, I was Not happy but damn it, I was sooo "right"...see???)

It's not about being right; it's about being happy.

And IF I'd felt that I pushed him into the arms of an OW, or was a drug addict or violent with the kids, etc....sure, my changes would have been different. Sometimes they are easy to determine; other times more complex.

At some point if the WAS feels determined to leave AND resists the efforts of the LBSer who shows change, the LBS has to back off. B/c the more we challenge their choices, the more we force them to defend their choices.


But IN all cases the LBSer must detach. First, we detach for our sanity to stop the obsessing and mind reading;
and second, to make our own progress in whatever direction our changes take us.

You can't swim to the other side if you keep looking back over your shoulder

so detaching allows you to get there...

Does that help?