Upside Down

[25yearsmlc]

I'm struggling a bit with the use of the forums.

My situation is essentially posted in this thread however I've been posting under MLC when I thought the readers/resposes of that group my have some specific insight into what appears to be my issues.

But I've also noticed that this form often has more viewing and more activity than that one. I think that my most recent post there on kids might have good responses from this group as well.

Advice on either my post or my forum question is greatly appreciated.

FYI it's best to stay on one thread so we can be informed and advise accordingly. Otherwise you'll leave something out of one thread or you'll get repetitive advice...

it's easier for us to follow your story and advise, in other words.

FWIW, I don't think your w's in a MLC, nor would my advice to you be different even if it she is...

I will post a note from a WAW to her h in a bit.

Parts of it may not apply. YOU will have to assess that.

But it's to her h, after HE SAYS he has changed.

He can't grasp why she doesn't just give up the OM and reconcile...

it may help you understand your w's views, even if you don't agree with them...

Hang in there.

Here is the post I mentioned---


FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments.

I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your Spouse - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, [about the changes lasting or her feelings of rejection/pain] I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail.

You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell."

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