Four Weeks Till D-Day

[25yearsmlc]

Pur, I wasn't leaving b/c I thought since I wasn't actively seeking a recon. I should post here.

I am leaving b/c it seems like I am only coming across as some needy thing who is waiting for my SO to walk through the door, say he's sorry and carry me to the bedroom.

well in fairness to us, we are basing our perceptions on your written words and nothing else...or maybe some experiences we've had but mainly it's you talking to us that primarily informs us...


After all I've written, it is MOST CERTAINLY NOT the case.

I feel as if I am being misjudged, and frankly I don't like it I am trying really hard here to try and do the right things in a really WEIRD situation.

No one likes being misjudged or judged at all. I didn't get that from the posters here but I'm not you.

I don't think your situation is particularly weird either. The military dynamic might be unusual but many of us here share it. The only rare thing you have is a relatively short lived relationship that did not result in a marriage.

Isn't it natural that we'd urge someone who IS married and or has children, to think harder and longer about divorce, than someone who doesn't?

I would NOT have DBd successfully or for as long, if I had no children (who needed the stability of this home til high school completed)

AND if I had not been married, AND married over 2 decades at that.

It was a much larger "investment" emotionally, chronologically and physically and geographically and financially and parentally---than a short r without any of those factors is...I don't mean that to offend - it's an observation of fact.

For me personally, my h put me through far more than I'd have tolerated from a mere boyfriend or fiancee, or for that matter, a marriage without children OR a marriage of fewer than a few years...I'd have thrown in the towel and not looked back.

So sure, when I see you getting badly treated for the bulk of the r, and it's a short one that never culminated in m, and YOU wrote that he proposed to "please" you and NOT b/c he was ready to marry....then

Is it so hard for you to understand that we do see it as easier to cut your losses and start fresh?

We are not saying your r is worthless, but yes, imo, it's worth LESS of your energy and time and money...than a long term marriage, with children would be...but I thank God no children are involved at this point.



If coming on here and reading certain posts makes me feel angry rather than reflective or even soothed, then what is the point?


well, to make you think more? Usually if someone irks you with a comment and they were not rude, it means you might want to look at what chord they struck in you...


I also feel as if people are much more quick for me to just move out and end this since we are not married.

see above note...he never married you for a reason...could have but did not. You say it's the same as common law marriage but true common law marriage differs from merely cohabitating, b/c it requires telling others (like creditors and the public) that you are h and w...among other things...it's an element of that. Whatever...

I just worry it's been so long since you felt "in love" and that your clock MIGHT be ticking, biologically or simply b/c you are tired of being lonely...that it's clouding your judgement and on the off chance that it is...

isn't it better for objective people w/no agenda or bias or reason to lie, to tell you, than not?



I am quite sure that if I was writing this and had told everyone I was married, the opinions would be much different.


1) if he were your h and did not have PTSD, I'd say he's a lousy h and you need to detach so he wakes up.

2) but he is NOT your h. IF HE WERE YOUR H, that would mean that at one time he felt committed enough to marry you. And you to him...

if you had kids with him the advice would also be different, but you don't.

Its not mere happenstance that you are not married to him And don't have kids = these are choices you two made in your r and they reflect realities of your relationship...NOT = to marriage b/c there is no marriage and

not = to a family b/c there are no children.

So there's less of a connection and I don't see this as "discriminatory" --

so much as the SAME assessment that goes into EACH assessment we make, about the "costs and benefits" of a relationship with trouble-and if it can be saved and if so, how...

The less invested, the lower the "costs" of the split. No broken families here, no kids to traumatize...no in laws to inform, no property to split and no retirement accounts to divide...etc. YOU decide the costs...other than paying for a wedding on your own (which you never really explained. If it's b/c he bought the ring, he can return THAT so anyhow...I asked before and you didn't answer so I'll drop it)

To me your situation is not easy but it's far simpler, w/fewer people getting hurt this way.

To you it seems unfair...but imagine this treatment from him, AFTER 5 years?

OR after having a child he ignores?




I DO NOT think that a piece of paper makes what we are going through any different. I'm sorry, I just don't.

So that is all.


Well - I think marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper, so maybe that's why there's a disconnect for you.

IMO, HE did not treat your r like a marriage. Do you think he did? Then again, he was married before and didn't treat her well either.

Does that make him more attractive to you, in some "But I can get him" type of way?



But I do HOPE YOU all the best. Your situation really pisses me off and I hope so much for you and your H to have a happy, healthy recon where you both appreciate and love one another as you deserve to be.

I hope we all learn to be happy with, or without, our spouses. Mine leaves for Afghan soon enough and though I worry for him, at my gut level I know that losing him now would be like losing an organ. We've been married for more than half my life...we met when I was 16 and began dating when I was 19...

but after a time of grieving and mourning, I KNOW I would survive and be happy again. And that's partly b/c of DBing...

you can learn that too. It's not all about "winning" the spouses back here.

Check the site out. DBing is about saving ourselves first...and hopefully our marriages second.

and fyi, I personally have posted to a dozen people not married, or in same sex r's over the past few years with enthusiasm for the r's to work out.

I just didn't see much coming your way from this man at this time or in the near future. For the last time, (for me)

I will say that the advice I have given you was given in the hopes of you saving yourself first

AND possibly saving the r and hoping he somehow wakes up and mans up.

The course of action of GAL/180s and being stronger and more independent (from what you sound like here anyhow)

is the same for both saving YOU and or for salvaging whatever you can from this r.

IF the man is who you hoped he is...and rids himself of all the other layers he has that prevent the best him from showing up

I gave the advice I personally felt was most likely to bring that about.

This advice is free-so you are free to ignore it. It's NOT my life.....

but you only get one life, life is short, and this is not a dress rehearsal....

I hope you won't give this guy your power.

Good luck