? for people who have gone to Retrouvaille

[BFloat]

i would love to read about your experience!

[sayitaintso]

Please share further for us curious and interested.

Thanks

[imthemom]

hopefull...I have been waiting on pins and needles for a post from you!!!..how did it go and I would LOVE to read your entry..am so couriouse about retrouvaille....I want to hear how it went!!

[angel61]

I'm waiting for hopefull too, although I did caution her against sharing the journal with her H and relatives and friends! It could be too overwhelming, especially if he is still processing what happened over the weekend. It also is TMI for the relatives, and I have learned the hard way that opening up all of your problems to other people you know isn't really the best thing; they get interpreted in many ways and somehow gets back to your spouse in a different light. A journal is meant for you.

I haven't seen this thread but for those who want to know about another M that is being saved by retrouvaille (we went early November and just finished the last post), go and read my thread.

I too was on the fence, thinking about whether retrouvaille was suitable for us, and I did get my H to agree to go only as a way to improve our communication, I did downplay the fact that I was really praying for restoration, and after he agreed, I never pressured him into going. I voiced my doubts on this boards and another group I post to. Everyone said to just stop thinking and to just go. In my case, H was even still in contact with OW, but in the end, it did improve our M by leaps and bounds! And H has already committed to me and our M, and also has asked for my help in learning how to love again. Just to give an exampole: when we went to Retrouvaille, my H did not know that there were going to be post sessions for the next 6 weekends. He asked me if we really needed to go. I said it was up to him. He said no, I don't think so. After the weekend, he loked up the topics and said "maybe we should go to some of them this next few weeks, and maybe go to the others the next cycle, as he did not feel ready.

In the end, we went to every one of them except for the first one (we had to do something, our car was wrecked and we had to buy a new one), and now he even wants to go to all the CORE sessions and volunteer to help the program for the rest of our lives!

Just a word of caution: it took a long time to destroy a marriage, it takes time to bring it together again. My post may sound like all is well and good, but its really still a struggle. I struggle with learning to trust, with hurt, with anger. My H struggles with learning to love me again, with acceptance of me as an imperfect person. I can see that he still has to learn to accept some of his faults (he has accepted some of them) and forgive himself. He still tends to justify and defend. We still are learning to be open, many times when our conversation strays into "unsafe" topics it triggers us to argue and fight and to have bad feelings for each other. The important things is that now we both know we are fighting for our M and we are able to remind ourselves of our goal.

For me, I think that we need to bring to retrouvaille is an open heart and mind. I would also add that the person should be innately good. Although it is said to be a way to learn to communicate, it is really much more than that. The name "rerouvaille" means re-discovery, and really, the "communication" part is just a way to jump start the "rediscovery". I will not say more, as I don't want to expose the way it works.

Retrouvaille is not a cure all, but I think for every different kind of situation there is a take away. I urge you to please go if you can get your spouses to come with you.

Remember though that depending upon your situation, it may or may not restore your marriage. But whateverthe outcome, there are many lessons that you will learn, making it worth your while.

[imthemom]

I agree Angel...I dont think i would send a letter to friends and H regarding the weekend...Im more the sit and wait and watch kind of gal now...

I have been having some progress in my situation and have thought about bringing up Retrouvaille in the context that it could help with our communication, much the same way you did. I guess Im just worried that he will flat out reject the idea. He is still seeing ow but showing signs of missing his family and our R.
We are about half way through D and thought of presenting it as help with communication so we can be better for our son. He has so far been open to anything that would help with our son.
I dont know...still pondering that and prob will for awhile..

[angel61]

Try it. If he rejects the idea, then just try again next time. I had to bring it up several times before my H agreed. The first time he said "what for? nothing will make me change my mind" Yeah, right!

[imthemom]

checked websight today, theres a weekend in my area in Feb.
Hmmmmmmm......

[Lotus]

I haven't checked into this website in a long time. I've been busy with work and travel. It is so good to see that people are still finding Retrouvaille, and Retrouvaille is still working its magic.

[25yearsmlc]

I haven't checked into this website in a long time. I've been busy with work and travel. It is so good to see that people are still finding Retrouvaille, and Retrouvaille is still working its magic.

indeed....Retrovaille has a structure that took me by surprise, starting out easy and thoughtful- but for me, a little slow. Or so I thought.

Then somehow it catches up with you and you make some headway,

and maybe a breakthrough, or 3...and there you go...

I did not feel our divorce was truly busted UNTIL we did Retrovaille...

I still think Piecing is life long, but the divorce got busted. So that's beautiful.


For those interested in personal, i.e., your own individual work, or b/c your spouse won't go and you want to be a better person/spouse/parent/worker-- try Essential Experience (EE) in Philadelphia..very solution based and a lot like DBs approach. Not a weird cult and no I don't get paid to say this.

But it was Life changing for me, and the changes my h saw in me were profound enough that HE later went....He was a field grade officer in the military at the time so when I say he's not the type to do this, I mean it. And he thanked me for "the best gift" he'd "Ever received" after he attended...

Only thing I found comparable to EE (and I love these things) would be Retrovaille - but that's specifically targetted at the couples issues whereas some of us have both--our private baggage AND it affects the m...so, food for thought. EE has a website and you can check it out...


I say the more you work on YOU, the better all your r's are...

good luck all!