Friday and Saturday.... feeling very off key. Feeling a lot of anger and resentment sitting in my chest for most of the day. Don't really want to be close to h. Just want some space. The anger is at times, boiling inside.
Go to the doctor fri for a check up about my anti anxiety meds. Already, the doctor is wanting to pull me off of them. I don't think they are doing any good. And since I cannot tolerate anti depressants, I'm not sure what I can take that is going to help anxiety, anger, or depression.
The doctor refilled the meds for another 30 days, and will begin the process of tapering me down until I'm off of them.
To be honest.... taking any medication that is only going to push down the anger and pain I feel... is only going to make it resurface later on. It's going to put off the process that is needed in dealing with it anyway. It will either resurface in other physical ailments, or it will manifest in more anxiety ..... that cannot even be controlled with medication.
The only thing I can see helping is venting here and going to therapy.
Why in the hell do I feel SO freaking mad at him right now? I look at him and I just feel sick with anger sometimes. But I have managed to engage in deep breathing, in walking away and going for walks, in reading, in talking to a friend, etc.
I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of the anger itself. I'm exhausted and sad at the same time. Just when I think it's going to ease up and just go away..... and I'm smiling and laughing again.... BAM, it's right there again... like an under current.
I start thinking about ow's face, h's interest in her, the lies, and all of the deceit that took place. The lies directly to my face. It does not take much for these things to flood back.
Will this ever get better?
H has done everything he can. There is nothing I need for him to do at this point. This is for me to work out and for me to solve. Yes, he caused me to be in this position, but.... to me, he has done all I think he should.
He has already apologized numerous times He has openly cried... many times Has been very open about his feelings and emotions Has been patient and loving Has been a listener Has already taken some of my anger and much of my sadness.. He's totally understanding about the place I'm in at the moment Has written me a few letters over the past few months Has gone to counseling, has been active in wanting to save our M Expresses his regret and his desire to be with me..
There's more but I can't think of it all right now.
I'm right there at the forked road, and I'm stuck standing there.
I want my marriage, and I want to forgive him.... but I'm just not there yet.
