Why do you feel that he is going to be annoyed? You are trying to predict his moods/behavior. I wouldn't jump the gun on this one. I would wait and see how he is when he gets home. He may very well be back to being quiet and nice, they do tend to flip back and forth.
When you try to initiate things w/him, he may very well feel pressured to accommodate you. You need to step back and just listen and watch him...follow his lead for now. Depression is a monster that tends to take eveyone down in a family, not just the person experiencing it.
For now, take a huge breath and do something nice for yourself. Keep your expectations at zero at ALL times and do not expect him to be able to give you what you want or what you want to here. Depression is doing the talking right now.
Again, I wouldn't leave...you may send him a clear message that it's over and I don't think that's what you want to do. If you are absolutely sure that it is over, then by all means leave...
Destiny, this rollercoaster is not an easy one and you are going to have to develop a very thick skin if you want to continue riding it. They all say and do things that are hurtful to us and many times, they are said to get us to back off. I'm sorry you were hurt, but you now have an opportunity to step back and just leave him be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Women tend to be very sensitive to the thought of someone not being attracted to us ... we tend to jump to thoughts re "he thinks I'm too fat, thin, old, frumpy, not sexy, etc (you get the idea, fill in your own particular insecurity here)" ... and we take it VERY personally.
Is there any truth to what he says about you being detached (and I'm guessing he means distant as opposed to what we mean around here when we say detached) and distrustful?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
detached probably means a little of both - I am having a dificult time trusting him and I try to fully detach to avoid heartbreak. But apparently the latter is not working.
I have decided not to leave my home, but I am going to be outs of sight tonight. I am getting dolled up in my best outfit and heading out - not with anyone, but I will probably go for a drink at a bar and then to a movie. I want to make myself look good for me, because i have crying my eyes out all day.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
You go, girl! Have fun, as much as one can in these circumstances.
I don't know your complete sitch, but I just wanted to cheer you on in your GAL pursuits. Life is too short to be moping around, crying all day. (I need to learn this lesson too.)
I cannot imagine that your H can expect you to trust him soon after an affair. A year, maybe, if he's made some changes too. So, he probably wasn't ready to come back into the M, and nor were you to have him there. (Am I reading this right?) Initiating anything right now will seem like pursuit ... give him space to work on his own issues. You can't fix him, only he can.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
It's been almost a week since my last post and I wanted to fill everyone on enrything to get your thoughts on how I am doing.
Journal: Friday - Jan. 13: I get all dressed up in my "fittest" of clothing. I went out and had a drink at one of the local restaurants and then treated myself to sushi. I didn't get home too late - around 10:30. My H was up and followed me all around the house asking if I had a good time. I told him yes. I went downstairs to our our basement to watch TV and he followed me there asking if he could watch TV with me. So we did and we went to sleep. No issues/no heartache that night.
Saturday: I get up early to start housework and to complete the staining of the new door my H placed in our basement. He came down dressed in work clothing saying that he needed to go in for a couple of hours. A couple of hrs turned to 6 hrs. I was a little annoyed, but I DID NOT let it show. I continued on with spackling, painting his workroom, staining the door, and rearranging the basement furniture. My H joined in when he got home. We had a real good night.
Sunday: Not a great day because he was annoyed at not getting enough sleep. He indicated that I was moving around a lot in bed. I went to pilates class, picked up lunch and returned home to him working in the basement. He asked if I wanted to go to the hardware store with him. I did go, but he became annoyed again at not being able to find a small nail that he needed to attach a bar faucet. He lost it the day before. I did find the SMALL NAIL he was looking for and that made him smile. He gave me a big kiss for that! Later, my H asks, " Hun, if we get the basement finished by month's end, maybe we can have a Superbowl party. What do you think?"
I say, "that would be nice". He begins to note everything he wants to do before having a party. We watch a movie and go to bed. No issues/no heartache.
Monday: It's a holiday, so we are both at home. I help him do more work in the basement. He mentions the party and says he "doesn't really know anyone he would invite to a Superbowl party." This is true because he really only has one good friend and he has 2 kids at home so he doesn't really have a lot of time to spend doing "guy" things. I am not sure why he said this but it made me think briefly that he was backing off from having a party. No big deal. But he seemed depressed when he said he doesnt' really know wnyone. He knows people from work, but I am not even sure If I would want them in my house because some of them knew that he was seeing the OW who used to work we he does.
Tuesday-Wednesday: I have been trying to keep myself busy this week. With work and my workouts, it hasn't been difficult. I have also begun taking my antidepressants gain regularly. My H seems to be okay - I think. When I got home from work on Tuesday he greeted me with a huge hug. He started calling me honey, babe, sweetheart which he hasn't always done in the last couple of months. He ordered me a few items that came in the mail that day and seemed anxious to share with me. Even yesterday, he came home early and was very touchy with me.
I have been praying to keep my spirits up and to remain at a zero expectations level. For those of you out there, GALng and keeping a loving distance seems to work for me. I just to keep at at. Have a good night.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I think you are doing fabulous. This is not a journey for the weak....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Destiny, He doesn't care because he is in depression/crisis. They are all into themselves when they are depressed and when the crisis hits, goodbye spouse, hello "me".
The man and marriage you knew and loved are no longer there. If and when he comes through the crisis, you will know then if he is the same person or someone totally different. Many of them come out the other side w/some of the characteristics that they picked up during the crisis. Others will be calmer, more mature w/a better understanding of where they need to be in their lives; and then, there are those who remain stuck.
I strongly urge you to go back and re-read your entire thread as well as the resources thread. Maybe this will help you understand that nothing you say or do will change his course while he is in crisis. You are expecting him to be the same person pre-crisis and that's not what is happening...your expectations have to remain at ZERO at ALL times.
It is very, very important that you keep your focus on you. Live your life to the fullest and if he wants to tag along, fine, but keep your expectations at zero. His crisis will not end today, tomorrow or next week. It didn't happen overnight, it will take a lot of time for him to work through it. The question I have for you is this...what are you going to do for yourself while he's on the Mother Ship? Make a list of things that you want to do, have in the works and need to complete and start working on them....this will take your focus off of him and back on to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am not able to visit the boards very often and am I so sorry to read that your H still seems to be in a depressive state.
I can tell that you have become a much stronger and more confident woman from when you first started posting! I know it is so so hard to stand back and NOT let your H's moods affect you but that is what you have to do! Snodderly is so right when she says that you need to take the focus off of him on put it (back)on YOU!
"I have been praying to keep my spirits up and to remain at a zero expectations level. For those of you out there, GALng and keeping a loving distance seems to work for me. I just HAVE to keep at it."
You wrote this just a few days ago!!! Very good advice to yourself!
Take care! _________________________
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thank you Snodderly and CW. I have been ill for the last couple of weeks and have really not had any computer interaction.
Things seem to be okay for the last couple of weeks. However, yesterday, he is questioning what we have together. It is hard to not offer up advice. I did cry. He says it is good we keep talking and that we should still live our life as we have been but I can't help but assume that he is leaning on the side of a D eventually. He asked me:
"What is it exactly that we have?"
"Have you ever thought about being happy by living our lives separately?"
"Why do you always cry when we have these discussions?" "I can't talk to you when you are like this."
I was keeping myself together until these questions came up. Emotional wreck this morning - but fortunately he is gone - reserve duty.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
