WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

While I was away I had opportunities to think... to take stock of things as it were. It occurred to me how very hard all of this is. I know that's a no-brainer, but I'm not talking about the pain and the heartbreak... I mean on a deeper level.

Coming off the sit down with myself where I "let my W go"... I've had to sit down with myself and wrestle with who am I? We all have titles that we associate ourselves with. Husband, father, friend, leader, neighbor, etc... For men we typically list our job first, husband second, and father third if asked to list who we are. But I've never done that... I've had more than enough of those trainings where they ask you who you are. I've always been "dad, husband, [insert job]" as my descriptor.

As I walked down the long hallways to the convention center I realized I have to redefine myself... and that's hard. For 11 of the past 17 years I've been defined as a husband or significant other. For eight of those years I've been a dad. I'm still a dad, but not a husband. That's a big chunk of me that has ceased to exist. I'm not sure yet how to disassociate myself from that role.

I also had the chance to think back... realize the good things that have come from our M. Obviously my S is an amazing thing. The fact that SS and SD have grown into the great kids that they are is a good outcome. My W's career as a nurse I think comes in there. She did the heavy lifting of going to school, but would that have ever happened had we not met? Perhaps... but finding the right mix of financial resources, support, and parenting to deal with nursing school would've been hard. My W fundamentally didn't believe she was smart enough or worthy enough to pursue her dream of becoming a nurse. It took many years of encouragement to help her take the leap. The person my W has become... at least before last July, is something positive... and that person is still in there somewhere because I still see flashes of her every now and then.

But what I also realized is how little I've grown in all that time. Yes, I'm different... I have a different job which was a huge leap for me. And the role I play now is so vastly different than it was when I was first hired. I've made that role for myself. My role as an elected office holder is also something... would I have been elected without all the friends and connections my W has in this town since she grew up here? Hard to say, but it definitely made it easier. But I haven't grown as much as I wanted to. Largely because I chose to subordinate who I wanted to be so my W could have things. That's not a dig at her... she did not ask me to do this, I chose to do it.

Just watching this part of my life roll itself up and being introspective. I can't say that I'm excited about my W and the kids moving out. But it's part of the metamorphosis. It is change. Not good or bad... it will only be that if I choose to assign it one of those values. I get to control what kind of change it will be by how I choose to engage with it and react to it.