Together since we were 15...Part 2

[purgatory]

Dreams are no fun.... they are showing us our greatest fears. But just remember, that it was JUST a dream, not what's doing right now.

I'm impressed that you had the b@lls to tell him "esp that I'm not closed off to it". That had to be a nice dose of reality for him. It's like you told me: Dating others is just something they've only had to speculate about, it will become harder when it's a reality.

I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to date. Even if I decide that I don't want H back, I'm not sure when I feel ready to be vulnerable on the dating scene again- esp now that I have kids involved. I mean, I've already done the 'be cute and flirty' dating thing- it sucked even back then!! H and I met though a college study group (I ran him over while I running late to class- our first words were: m:"sorry about that!" h:"it's ok, you can get off me now.")and we both were still in other Rs, the pressure to 'perform' wasn't there.

I don't know that I have the confidence of a 20 year old (and I sure as he!! don't have that body anymore!) to put myself out there like that!

[Jenna333]

Oh gosh, I'm not ready to date at all. To flirt, though? Heck yeah! I haven't flirted yet, but I would think if be open to it, given the opportunity. If he's going to see what else is out there, I'm not going to sit around feeling lonely and closed off from the world.

See, the difference between he and I right now is that I'm truly getting to know myself. I'm growing and changing into a better person. He has announced that he's in limbo and that there's nothing he can do about it. He's stuck in his physical reality. True growth comes from within. It's mental. He doesn't need his own place and more money, etc, to grow. He's not mentally there yet. It's his journey, and he'll grow at his own pace. I need to not let him drag me down with him, because I'm rising above the destructive heartbreak that I'm going through, while he chose to leave and he's shooting himself in the foot on top of it by the way he's viewing the world and his life right now. He's lost and confused. He may never come back to me, and if I let myself get lost in him, I'll lose myself. It's SO hard to not get lost in him when he's willing to ML to me, to cuddle up to me, to tell me how amazing and stunning I am. He knows how to be my partner. It comes naturally to him. He loves the good parts of our R. He doesn't want ALL of me/our R, and he has a lot of growing to do himself. I keep telling myself that if he came back today, we'd fail.

[greenblue90]

You know the dating thing is just for fun.

It's a game and the more we play it the better we get. At the same time the more you stress about it on a personal level, the more like you'll underperform or worse yet pull yourself out before the game can really get started.

Would you stress this much about playing monopoly? Think of dating the same way and don't take it so personal.

If Mr right happens to come along then good! If not roll the dice again!

There's a big difference between dating and looking for your next long term relationship.

[Jenna333]

I have no idea HOW to date. I have no idea where/how to meet quality people. I've gone out a couple of times since he left and all I came across were sleazeballs looking for one nighters. I would not even flirt in a situation like that. I am not that kind of girl.

Truthfully I've never dated, unless you count when I was 15ish and our parents had to drive us places. Ha! I met my ex when I was 14 and we were good friends for a year before we became a couple. We never dated. We just decided we had a special connection and to see where it took us. As far as serious relationships go, he's all I've experienced. As far as ANY relationships go, serious or not, I'm all he's experienced.

The kids and I just got home from seeing Beauty and the Beast 3D. Wow, $29 just for tickets for the kids and I! Ridiculous. They were pretty fidgety and a little bored because they've seen the movie a bunch of times. Not sure it was worth the money. Especially since I got my first parking ticket. I got to my car about 10 minutes after the meter expired. Only a $20 ticket, but still. That's a bummer. Of course I kept thinking of him throughout the dang movie. He used to compare us to Belle and the beast. I'm a petite brunette and he's broad-shouldered and 6'4". He actually just made the comparison yesterday, now that I think about it.

When we got out of the movie I saw that he had called and left a message. The voicemail said he was just about to walk into work and wanted to say hi to the kids. I had my D call him and both kids talked to him for a minute. He then asked to talk to me. He said he hoped our weekend was going well, and he said he'd call them tomorrow sometime. That made me happy. Whenever he's gone a day or two without seeing the kids before, he hasn't called them. It's always bothered me. A couple of times he softly said he hoped I was having a good weekend. I just brightly said yep, I am, thanks! It's been a bit of a stressful weekend, actually. I need to really clean this house and start packing. I also have homework to do. I miss him being here and helping with the kids. I miss doing family things together. I miss our connection. Just talking to him. Cuddling with him. Watching movies together. When I start feeling this way, I pretty much chant to myself, "He chose this, not me. This is what he wants and there's nothing I can do about it except to become the best person that I can be, and that is what I'm doing. I'm making the best of this life. I am strong, funny, capable, love myself, and I'm worth fighting for."

[Jenna333]

He called a little bit ago and was pretty cold to me. We were arguing about money and he said he felt I had no sympathy for his financial situation. OMG. I'm upset because it's been over 6 weeks and he still doesn't have his own car seats for the kids. Supposedly money's been bad at work. Hmm, as soon as he leaves me money isn't good there anymore? Give me a break. He's let it slip that he won $300 on NYE and his mon won some recently and gave him a good amount. He just seemed like he could not stand to hear my voice today. Such a change He usually tries to drag on conversations with me.

We were figuring out the new kid exchange schedule, since he starts school tomorrow. I explained how I thought the visitation schedule should go last week, but he apparently wasn't listening (shocker). He said im springing these new changes on him out of nowhere. So not true. He was upset with me for saying since he'll have the kids during the day this weekend, he shouldn't be here Wed-Fri. He said I just didn't want him here because I see him, even though it's only for a few minutes. I told him that I wanted him to be here before because I was still holding onto him, and I don't want to anymore. He didn't seem upset at hearing that at all. He calmed down and said ok and that he understands.

I need to not care so much. I'm not used to him being cold to me

[purgatory]

Sounds like you've crossed into the next phase: where the WAS sees your changes and the reality of their choice (less $, not ML, no cake eating)... and it manifests as anger towards you. My H started this phase about a month after the bomb- and he's had one foot there ever since.

I was told (on one of my earliest posts) that the WAS is angry for a few reasons:
*They see *you* as the reason that their lives have been changed for the negative (even though it was their choice to walk away.) They need to have some justification for their choice, so they point the angry finger at you.
*They are angry (and hurt) that they *had* to walk away in order for you to make changes... changes that they might have been asking for for years. They battle the thoughts that *they* weren't good enough for you to make changes, but now that they are gone, you will make changes for *someone* new.

Doesn't make it ANY easier to deal with. I know how uncomfortable it makes you feel when they behave like they've never done before (that's the alien behavior coming out.) At least understanding it, helps to accept it.

You have been on such a positive path lately, don't let his strange behavior change any of that!

[Jenna333]

Yes, he's actually flat out told me that I'm turning into this amazing person (he says he knows that I've always been amazing, but now I'm letting my potential blossom into reality) and that now someone else will get to enjoy it. He's told me that it makes him feel he wasn't good enough or worthy of the 'real' me. It irritates me because he could come back and HAVE the 'real' me. Well, I'm not sure he could just stroll right back in. In fact, I know I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. He has a lot of changes he needs to make within himself.

I'm shaking this off He's going through his own issues. Which is what he told me on the phone today. That I need to not focus on his issues, because they are his to deal with.

I wish I could just forget that he'll likely be on the prowl tomorrow at his first day of school. Yuck.

[Jenna333]

So, he said he left his class 10mins early, but the traffic was awful this evening (rush hour) and he got to our meeting place late. I was almost 10mins late to class. Irritating! I'm not sure what to do on Mondays. He'll have to leave class at least 20mins early in order for me to make my first class on time.

As soon as he got there he was apologizing profusely and trying to wipe snow off of my car (???). I could see just fine. I zoomed right on out of there. We didn't even make eye contact.

This is SO weird. We were so affectionate in our relationship. It still shocks me that he left. I was one of the ones that NEVER thought this would happen.

[Jenna333]

To GAL after class tonight, since he has the kids Monday nights (and Tuesday nights), I'm going to my brother's bar to hang out and eat Jimmy John's His bar is a small, cozy place, and completely dead on Mondays and Tuesdays, haha. He and I have grown closer since J left me. He really respected him, but now he doesn't at all. He feels he's using me and keeping me waiting for him (because of the cake eating).

I'm feeling strong.

[purgatory]

Glad you have somewhere to go blow off steam and smile... it's even better that it's with your brother! I LOVE Jimmy Johns!! Now I think I'll need to get one tomorrow for lunch

I think he was 'wiping snow' off your car just as a pathetic attempt to show you that he cares about you; (in his mind he's showing your concern for your safety... you know how men like to save the damsel in distress.

I hope you two can work out a schedule so that neither of you have to sacrifice too much class time. Maybe a 10 min leave early/arrive late is the best compromise so neither one of you is loosing or benefiting entirely- just my $.02.

Enjoy your night off!