Building a more solid personal Foundation

[jbnati]

Thanks for posting that, LITB. I think I'm going to share it with my Tuesday night group. Very good stuff.

[LITB]

I'm glad you enjoyed it JB. I will share more soon.

Journaling:

It's been an interesting day. I called to talk to my kids this morning. While talking to my D, I asked her what she wanted to do while I am down there next weekend.

We talked about going skating. She then asked me if G, D and OM can come. G and D are OM's children. Of course it caught me off guard. The first thing I said was I don't wanna be around other man. Then I said, "daddy comes down to spend time with you and brother". Not my best response. I was calm, but dazed. We finished our convo and I asked to talk to my W.

I'm typing this on my phone, so please bear with me.

I told my W about the convo with my daughter and that was the second time his name has come up this week while talking to her. BTW the entire convo between my W and I was calm and civil.

She basically confirmed the R between her and the OM and they had started introducing the children into the equation about a month ago. I told her it wasn't a surprise. I went on to say that the card I gave her for Christmas is true and I want her to be happy.

To give you an idea what I wrote....let me take you back.

At the beginning of December for my b-day, my wife gave me a card that said, "all good and perfect gifts are from above, so you don't need one from me, right?"............The card I gave her for Christmas was simple and I added, "All perfect gifts are from above and we have been blessed with D8 and S5. You have something from me that is like from above. The answer is two words. The first word begins with a vowel and ends with a consonant and the second word begins with consonant and ends with a vowel. It is up to you to figure it out." She hadn't figured it out. I didn't give her the answer, but I told her the answer is sitting on her stove. It is unconditional love. She got choked up when the light went on.

She went onto to say that the children are her #1 priority and she feels that she has done things the right way. I stayed silent and told her I didn't have anything to say. Well, I did, but it is because I don't agree and that would have lead to nowhere fast.

There was more to the convo, but that is the gist.

I was a little dazed, but I'm good now. Gotta stay moving, because a man in motion stays in motion.

Don't get me wrong, it hurt. Just confirmation of the obvious.

[jbnati]

LITB, I'm sorry to hear your W has brought the OM into the picture with your kids, and it had to be in your face. Hate that for you, man. I think you did a fantastic job of handling it, though. I really don't think she knows what she's truly doing.

I'm curious to see how the dynamic changes when you move to NM.

I think you're doing really well.

Gotta stay moving, because a man in motion stays in motion.

Or as I like to say, hard to hit a moving target.

[LITB]

I always appreciate your support JB, especially on a day like today.

Speaking of my move, I have one interview setup for my trip next week with 2 more possible. The company that I've met with 3 times want to hire me, however they are awaiting to sign a contract with a quasi government contractor that is taking some time.

I'm just anxious to have my kids half of the time. I have an opportunity to play a round of golf @ Pebble Beach. Unfortunately it is for president's day weekend and I plan on going to spend it with my kids....unless I get offered a job that begins at the beginning of March. Lol..seriously my kids come first.

As far as today's interaction with my W, I planted a few seeds. I'll harvest them and see if any crops come of them.

[LITB]

The events of the weekend set me back a bit.

I usually don't have a problem sleeping. Last night I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep, because my mind went straight to thinking of where my sitch is at the moment. Ugh...frustrating.

Now that my sitch has become more clear, I have some questions that I would like some input on.

My W likes to reach out to me and stay in touch. Perhaps she was getting ready to let me know what was going on. Who knows? It doesn't really matter the reason.

Maybe now that the cat is out of the bag, she will cut back on the contact.

I know that I'm getting ahead of myself, but I would like to be prepared. Plus I know some members have navigated these waters.

I know that interactions with her must stay positive. I'd like to remove myself as much as possible from her life. I just don't know if that is the right thing to do. Obviously having our children, she has a reason to contact me.

On the flip side, we had been doing things together with our children during my visits. I like the fact that we can do these things for our children's sake. I feel like that is a good thing.

I'd appreciate some feed back.

[~ kd ~]

Hey LITB, remember that distance and dark is for us.

Of course, the WAS can't miss us if we don't go away.

What would be your thinking on distancing from her? What is your "reason"?

Also, while they will notice our changes even if we aren't in constant contact or even if our contact is limited, there's also the reality that if she doesn't know what she's missing, how can she want it?

[LITB]

What would be your thinking on distancing from her? What is your "reason"?

Also, while they will notice our changes even if we aren't in constant contact or even if our contact is limited, there's also the reality that if she doesn't know what she's missing, how can she want it?

Thanks for your input KD. The reason I'm thinking of distancing myself is twofold.

1) I'm not going to BS anyone here, it is to remove myself as much as possible to allow my W to see how life is without me in it. This might be viewed as me teaching her consequences. IDK.

2) To begin living the reality of what divorce life will be like to both her and I. I had been getting mixed signals from her and that gave me hope.

It doesn't mean that I have given up. It just means that there is a difference between reality and hope. I hope that someday we might be able to work things out, but I realize that the chances are not very good.

[~ kd ~]

It is good that you recognize your reasons as possibly being punitive. Work on that and dig in to see how you might change that perspective. What's causing it? What anger or fear might still be harbored?

In complete honesty, I am pretty much where you are in my thought process and in a way, the sitch.

I'm torn between denying her access to my "good stuff" and showing her the good stuff she's missing out on. I'm less focused on it, but it still comes to mind from time to time that while I disengaged from her maybe five years ago, this is still her choice to D. I remain open to R, IF she ever considered it. But I refuse to chase after it. So I recognize I'm being selfish to some degree. Of all the work I have done over the past 15 years on myself, that still shows up often in my life and I recognize it and continue to work on changing that.

Last night when I dropped of D9 after the weekend, my W tried to engage me in conversation about how the weekend went. I would likely have been more candid and overt, but when I arrived, two people who have been supportive, one likely actively encouraging my W to leave me. Neither of the two even acknowledged my presence even though they were in full view of me.

I was pleasant and while not overly anxious to leave, I certainly came off as distracted and "on my way, somewhere."

So right now, it's a fine line and balance between maintaining the boundaries that WE ARE LEGALLY SEPARATED and have separate lives. I get mixed signals as well and she still asserts her privacy, so I continue to be guarded on my own privacy.

It's limbo, yet I feel better about it. It's a different kind of limbo. One where I no longer feel anxious to R and I am also not opposed to D if she ever finally files.

As time goes by, I will continue to show my good side and bite my tongue when I have nothing good to say.

[LITB]

It is good that you recognize your reasons as possibly being punitive. Work on that and dig in to see how you might change that perspective. What's causing it? What anger or fear might still be harbored?

Those are great questions that I will have to figure out.

You and I seem to be running parallels right now.

You know, I tend to focus on the great times my W and I had together and overlook the bad. When she dropped the bomb, I was unhappy with our M/R as well for a couple of reasons.

So even though my goal has been to reconcile, I do wonder if my life will be better if we go our separate ways. Like I really have a choice right now.

I'm just thinking out loud here. I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

[~ kd ~]

Yeah, there are a lot of similarities at this time. I've been thinking long and hard about actually filing, but I'm still not ready to throw in the towel. I'm not in a rush, at least.

There really are good memories and I know that my W has thought about them. I don't understand her stubbornness to not talk or engage me in positive ways or in a more friendly, benign way. I mean, I understand... it just remains frustrating...

I just read that SBH has given the ILYBINILWY speech to his W. She didn't take it so well, apparently...