Too Little, Too late 3

[25yearsmlc]

so did you thank him for bringing the juice over?

That's the applause part...not easy but not complicated. And it works.

[Oneeleven]

I think you might have done well!! You 'freaked out' on a situation where it was perfectly justified, but you didn't "freak out".

You showed strength and a bit of ... dare I say it, distain?

I can't help but think that it's got his cogs churning.

Yay! I feel like this is a huge deal!

Now let this carry you forward, with your GALing, with your detachment, etc.

And not responding to him only helped this situation in my opinion.

Yay yay yay!

[kolja]

I've been having the 'why do I want him' thoughts a lot. I can say that I don't want *this* man, but the man that I know he can be.... But who's to say that the one I know will ever come back?

Been having the same thoughts about my wife lately too. Even her family, who's reached out to me, seems to think I've put up with more than is reasonable. She's basically cleaned out our account twice this month so I had to take her off - all afternoon she's been texting quite angrily. And hatefully.

[purgatory]

25- Yes, I did thank him for bringing the juice.

And I didn't make it clear, but when I was at my desk and he was telling me about his plans, I did stop what I was doing and look him in the eye. I validated his plans by saying: "sounds like you're going to have fun with the guys!" (they are building a cabinet and going to a gun show- TOTAL guy stuff)

When he left for the door, I watched him, but he never looked back.

I've been talking to a L for 2 weeks- so far she's just helping me understand what I'm entitled to and reviewing the papers that H and I have been drafting. He has yet to settle on a L (he's had consults with 3 so far). I've already paid a retainer for mine- so I'm a little farther along than him. He has said that he's excited that I'm taking this seriously (drives the knife in a little more)

In regards to health insurance- we have been discussing the possibility of staying 'separated' indefinitely- for insurance, taxes, married BAS and BAH. He said: "I can't see anything wring with that." He was commissioned 1 year after we got married (2 days before our 1st anniv.)

Thanks for validating my sitch- so I can avoid analyzing and picking apart the conversations

[purgatory]

111- I really hope it's gotten something churning in him.... He seemed a little shocked then I said that I didn't want him anymore.... maybe the reality of not having me is sinking in. Up until now, I believe he felt that I would still be there waiting for him.... maybe I should 'stage a date'? A friend of mine has a brother whose a little younger than me, but he might play along

Kolja- It's a harsh reality to think that you might *not want* them back. You and I both came here around the same time, so it's only been a couple months of DBing, but maybe these feelings we've been having, are the first steps to true detachment? I've heard people say that when they finally accept that the M is really over and approach every interaction in a detached way- that the WAS gets a little nervous.

I can feel a change of acceptance coming over me... it feels strange, but I'm ok.

[Oneeleven]

so I'm a little farther along than him. He has said that he's excited that I'm taking this seriously (drives the knife in a little more)

Ugg.. :eek

[25yearsmlc]

25- Yes, I did thank him for bringing the juice.

And I didn't make it clear, but when I was at my desk and he was telling me about his plans, I did stop what I was doing and look him in the eye. I validated his plans by saying: "sounds like you're going to have fun with the guys!" (they are building a cabinet and going to a gun show- TOTAL guy stuff)

When he left for the door, I watched him, but he never looked back.

I've been talking to a L for 2 weeks- so far she's just helping me understand what I'm entitled to and reviewing the papers that H and I have been drafting. He has yet to settle on a L (he's had consults with 3 so far). I've already paid a retainer for mine- so I'm a little farther along than him. He has said that he's excited that I'm taking this seriously (drives the knife in a little more)

In regards to health insurance- we have been discussing the possibility of staying 'separated' indefinitely- for insurance, taxes, married BAS and BAH. He said: "I can't see anything wring with that." He was commissioned 1 year after we got married (2 days before our 1st anniv.)

Thanks for validating my sitch- so I can avoid analyzing and picking apart the conversations

his financial and medical reasons for staying married ARE sound if you can handle the "limbo" part of it but I'm guessing his suggestion SOUNDS more like a "for your sake pretense"...and for now I say "take it!"

If you are married, I think over 10 (ask the JAG) you'll get some of his retirement. My sister was m to a pilot for 13 years, no kids and she never worked...though they had wacky assignments, I did feel she should have contributed something to the marriage financially or done volunteer work or gone to grad school or something...

but she gained 80lbs instead and was shocked when her h left her...she really was. He left her for his 1st cousin, w/whom my sister had confided in and had a "close friendship"....if that makes you feel any better. (it's only legal in half the states--I checked)

but anyhow, she gets 1/3 of his retirement forever, regardless of whether she remarries...

in contrast, my older sister was m for 22 years, 3 kids, and ALWAYS worked full time, Even put her h thru law school. She gets NO alimony and they split the house. Different states...different results.

But i guess when I really truly want to focus on FAIRNESS....

I go check AFRICA!! and shut the heck up...

point is, I can see value in staying m, even if only in name, for practical reasons

IF YOU can handle it emotionally and not feel it holds you back from moving forward.

Especially if you think, down deep, it's only b/c you hope he'll change his mind.

OTOH, it does make the road home paved & smoother, doesn't it?


Glad you talked to a L but I'd keep those cards close to my chest for now. And I'm extra glad he's seen three L's...

Maybe he doesn't love the answers he's getting..