Going to second Al Anon meeting tonight while S14 attends Al Ateen across the hall. kind of excited to see his reaction..I was so relieved after my first meeting. Im wondering what he will take away from it.
Havent heard much in response to any of my recent post but have a dilemma that im facing and thinking threw...would like to get some other perspectives on it.
H finally called after looking at settlement papers and wanted to talk about them. I told him I didnt feel comfortable talking to him about the financial stuff, he should call my L. this^^^ must be your mantra from now on...period. That's what L's are for. To protect YOU and if it gets ugly, the Ls take the heat...not you
but he ended up getting me into a conversation that mainly consisted of him telling me how he couldnt live on what he would be left with if he paid me what the state is saying he should pay.
what an unfortunate consequence LIFE is teaching him. Then again, doesn't OW work too? (Do not ask...I'm just tossing that snarky comment in here)
Im trying really hard to not be spitefull but i have a hard time forgetting how xmas went with my kids, and how we are living now which is pretty much still hand to mouth. He made an offer that was probabley not reasonable..i have to check some things. Im going to have to start paying for medical out of my paycheck and other things. Heres my dilemma...H wanted this D.
irrelevant. You know why? b/c this is NOT just YOUR money to deal with so much as what your son is owed in support. It's not yours to give away to keep peace or look better in your h's eyes (IF that's even true, which I actually doubt).
So do what the law and your L say as if your hands are tied...and you feel regret--b/c you do--you take no pleasure in your h's suffering whether he wanted the divorce or not (plus he has his own view of how you were behaving in his recovery. He CAN and probably DOES make the argument you pushed him out of the home...but I don't want to digress)
I tried my best to stop it and he was firm from the beginning. I still dont want it. Im working on the fact that I enabled him for the past 17 years and I dont want to do it anymore. If I agree to lower the amount, am I not enableing him again? Enabling? Well what I KNOW is You'd be cheating your son out of support and it hurts HIM and someone has to make your son the priority in all this. Hasn't he suffered enough? It's not really about YOU or H....it's about what your son is owed....Does he have to have financial fears and sacrifices too? Shouldn't those be borne by his parents, and not him? He created this situation and then out of guilt im makeing it easier for him. Thats what it feels like... Not sure what this^^^ means??
should he not have the full concequence of his actions like everyone else? I want to be the bigger person, i dont want to be spitefull. Or am i just afraid he will be mad at me if i dont agreee to lower the amount...theres the $100 question....
BINGO^^^^ and it's So common...don't slap yourself for it but recognize it for what it is. And do right by your son...you won't ever regret that.
Do it calmly and keep the focus on your son...period. Not about you or h anymore and the sooner you accept that, the sooner it'll sink into your h and he'll have the space to breathe and look at his choices.
b/c as long as you pursue him and challenge his choices, the more he defends them. I don't think you were right to go on and on about the lying and if he didn't need you to be 'nice" now financially, I think he'd have hung up.
Be the bigger person and make this about your son.
He has been very friendly and borderline flirty with me...it crushes my heart to think that he is doing it to get what he wants, but the would be typical Alcoholic behavior..and he is definatley in the middle of a dry drunk. thinking out loud... would appreciate any feed back at all...
manipulation is a learned ingrained skill he may not even be aware of.
Just keep it all about your son and he can't blame you for that. And even if he does, so what? Be strong for your son.
And yes, his payments to YOU affect your son's lifestyle so don't get bogged down in alimony vs child support.
IF IF IF you wish to address alimony amounts when your son is on his own, you can...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
