I'm currently reading "no more Mr Nice Guy". I can see I fall into the "always trying to avoid conflict" type. In the initial stages of our relationship, probably the first 10 years at least, I always tried to avoid conflict with my W. I am always the one to apologize, avoid bringing things up for fear of making my W mad etc.
I can see that I've spent much of my marriage living in fear of making my W angry. I deserved some of it, I certainly didn't handle it well. But I can also see that at some point I felt like I couldn't never seem to please her and that is when I started to engross myself with work. It was easier to be at work than to deal with her at home. Again, I know that it was the wrong thing to do.
I made a comment to my W last summer, I said "i'm happy go lucky at work, I get along with everybody, I'm funny, friendly etc". She got very upset at that comment, and I have finally started to see how I am myself at work, completely at ease and totally confident. At home, I am walking on eggshells, l feel the same anxiety that I had when my father yelled at us.
Recently, I don't ignore her anger. My DB coach said I need to acknowledge the anger, let her know I have heard her, then move on. In some cases, like the vile texts she sent me on Xmas, I respond with one text stating why I sent the photo and then let it be. She continued to text me through the night with escalating angry statements, "I hate you, I wish I never said I didn't", "your are a poor excuse for a man, husband and father". When it gets like this I don't reply at all. I don't know if there is any appropriate reply.
When my W brings up Dallas, it is usually inserted as part of another conversation. She will be talking about the dogs and then "I can't take care of both of them when I move to Dallas" etc. Whenever she gets feed back on her job hunting from her friends in Dallas, she is very quick to let me know. She doesn't usually text much when she is at work, but she will immediately let me know via text that she has a phone appointment with a recruiter etc. I just say "that's greta".
My W is a highly experienced nurse. She could have a job in Dallas tomorrow if she wanted. She is on her fifth job in 4 years here in ANC. She changes jobs a lot, Either she doesn't care for the people she works with or the hours etc. But she always gets hired. I have no doubt she could be employed in Dallas by next week with out her friends help.
My counselor has said that when this stuff comes up, leave the room. To be available for her to talk about it. I have asked some logistical questions, how are you going to get there, what are you taking. Where will the boys be this summer. She gets agitated, says she doesn't have a plan. She said "I don't know what I'm doing, I haven't done anything yet. I haven't even left yet". I'm a slow learner but I've stopped asking.
I have been worried about my sons school, what will happen this fall. But my wife doesn't seem care at all. She has said it will be my responsibility, she will be in the poor house and will need all her income to live on. She doesn't seem to care about anything right now. Even her skeet shooting, she doesn't do any more. She was on a girls league team, but she just stopped going and totally blew them off. It is as if she is tired of everything, like she said "I hate my F****** life".
I want her to be happy, I asked her if moving to Dallas will be want will make her happy. She said "No, I will be as miserable, but at least I will be alone instead of in a loveless marriage".
No Sandi2, I don't have any friends that treat me the way she does. But then with my DB coach and you and 25's replies, I am empathetic to my wife's feelings. I haven't met her needs in the marriage. So I feel like I deserve the anger, that she needs to vent and I shouldn't avoid it. Is that the wrong way to look at it?
Like I said before, both DB coaches have said they feel like my wife really doesn't want a divorce. What she really wants is my attention. But my DB coach says I need to be fearless, and she will be angry no matter what I do so continue with GAL.
Another note, I said I was the only one in the family to stand up to my MIL. My W is still at her parents, haven't heard from her in two days. How do you contend with her parents and friends all telling her to get out of the marriage?
