Don't project that you are destined to be co-parents forever. It took me so long not to project into the future. I told myself if I didn't project I wasn't excepting reality but there is an in between.
Just focus on each day or each hour or each second and enjoy all you are blessed with.
If you h and ow actually want to move forward together they are going to face huge hurdles including d16 & all the other kids. Don't let them unite against you.
Kill 'em with kindness.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
yes. very hard not to project! deep breath. one day at a time.
purg - you are still human. i think i would have felt all those things as well. natural instinct to protect your own.
so now what? what choice do we have but to continue on and just do the best we can.
you and i need to take bklyn's advice about not projecting because the thought that kept running through my mind was that i had to create a happy life for kids and I w/out H. now i am focusing more on slowing things down and taking baby steps.
we're all here for you!!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Now that my BFF has made herself the OW, I look at her differently. The things that I might have once defended or excused in her because she was my friend and i loved her.... are now the things that I focus on about her. Her negative traits are magnified and I find myself criticizing her previous and present actions. I can't even get myself to hate her- as much as I would be justified in feeling that way! I am disgusted by her actions and have a new impression of her, but not hate.
Even today, her youngest is in the hospital with unexplained violent symptoms- it's my instinct to go be with her or at least to call and keep her calm... but I can't bring myself to give her the satisfaction. I AM concerned about D6- I've known her since birth! She was like the little girl I never had... I can't seem to separate the hurt/anger I feel for her form the care/concern I feel for D6.
Should I be the bigger person and reach out to her only out of concern for D6? (Maybe it will remind her of the great friend I *really* am and make her feel a little guilty about what she's doing, can't say that I wouldn't mind if that happened)
Isn't this what happens with our WAS? They start to *see* and become more focused on the bad things about us (things they would have normally just accepted and dealt with out of love)... but then they reach their breaking point and all of a sudden- we are viewed through a different lens (whatever the opposite of love is)- even though our actions might not have changed too much.
I think I have an understanding of what my H has been seeing/feeling with me. It also gives me a new understanding of why he can't show me care/concern when I'm at the hospital- he says it's so I don't get the wrong idea, but I think it's also to protect himself from 'loving' me again.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I don't think you really can process it away, I think it's a function of time and action. Keeping your brain occupied with other things should help.
Keep it up!
the anger and hurt DO fade and seem less and less relevant with time. Especially when the WAS makes changes, you begin to say "from this day forward" & letting go of the past...and don't forget,
you are asking that of HIM too....
but yes, in time...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
maybe ask your goddaughter if she would like to give it to her mom seeing as they helped paint it? i don't know if there's a right or wrong answer. just whatever you're comfortable with. if you prefer to get rid of it.. no one can fault you.. if you decide to give it to her because of the girls.. it's not wrong either. hahaha.. can i be more vague??
what is your real goal in giving it to her? There are ONLY TWO ways SHE will take it, imho.
Either it's an olive branch from you (is it? Really?)
or
it's to guilt her w/feigned kindness....(kinda yes??)
I'd let her kids give it to her, at most...
not to sound punitive but your options are limited here. Things have changed since you made it, wouldn't you say?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you could ask h, via text, how her kid is doing. Or ask the Godchild.
As for what you told your h, it's not the content so much as the tone.
I think if you'd said' "wow that sure looks like you're putting her kids above yours" that MIGHT have worked---
except your kids were only having breakfast with him, and her kids had a higher need and one was sick. Where the heck is HER ex h??
(Do you still believe she was "abused"??)
So in a way, you may have looked unreasonable, Not him.
I'm NOT sure your answer about not wanting him now anyhow, was so bad.
In that moment, it's how you felt. Don't keep apologizing or at least not more than once...and remind him that this is all VERY NEW & RAW for you... unlike him, you have not had weeks or months of pondering internally,
AND
you were under the mistaken belief she was YOUR bff
and HE was YOUR h...
so he's going to have to bare with you as you learn to create a new, happy and fulfilling life for yourself--which you WILL DO---and have begun--
and face a health challenge as well.
(I would NOT mention that health issue ever, unless you have a real need for help and ONLY he can be there for you.
Seriously, let him stew in the fact that as you face it, you ask nothing of him...
he's not a monster yet. He'll squirm...same goes for her if she has any decency left in her)...and if not, what's the point of sharing it with either of them? Don't seek pity b/c it's very close to contempt. Many LBSers don't get that.
I feel for the Godchild, but if they vilify YOU, you will be blamed for the pain and "not accepting that the marriage was over and THEN they decided to date"
which is the story they'll put out there.
By being the calm uber zen Purg you are becoming, that will be harder to keep telling themselves...oh and don't forget, SHE HAS FLAWS and they'll start to show soon...is she a perfect mother? Thought not...
and as for your Mother Teresa progress, hey it's not linear growth.
we all take 2 steps forward, or 5, and then a few backwards...
but on the whole, there IS progress...and you're getting there.
Get yourself to that wacky workshop I told you about. I swear to God you will be levels higher in your happiness and contentment and your road to life, will be clearer to you.
Stay on your "Campaign message" and give yourself the pep talks we'd all need in your shoes. You would not believe the playlists I had on my Ipod...my "optimistic future w/new OM" playlist...which always made my workouts better
or my "optimistic w/H" workouts which got hard to do at times...but easy to run harder b/c I was mad...
the grief playlists if I wanted to wallow b/c I tended to tire myself of it and snap out of it faster IN TIME
or my "happy single mama", travelling around and living where SHE wants to live- for the first time in decades, (so long Army!!!)
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the anger and hurt DO fade and seem less and less relevant with time. Especially when the WAS makes changes, you begin to say "from this day forward" & letting go of the past...and don't forget,
you are asking that of HIM too....
but yes, in time...
Really, really important messages bolded above!
All who have been at this for a long time, those who have Xs or their current spouse becomes an X...
We have a choice... We can create and rationalize reasons why we are not meant to be with our spouse, how we aren't a match, how we don't like their behaviours... and few would challenge us on that... and while it can certainly be argued it's not... it actually is a form of denial, anger, and bitterness... and it keeps us stuck...
Whereas, we can be positive in the "from this day forward" (in the manner of keeping the road home paved and smooth)... engaging them when they ARE pleasant... and disengaging them when they are not...
Sandi2 posted recently in another thread if we would be "friendly" and do for our spouses as we would for our friends, if our friends were treating us poorly... and the answer should be a resounding "no"...
And I feel it's very important to treat everyone with respect and dignity during the times they are positive...
It falls under that category of doing to others as we would have them to do... or said other ways... setting boundaries or leading by example...
Encourage the good behaviours "from this day forward" and discourage the bad behaviours "from this day forward"... be positive and friendly when you are with them and stay away from them when you are down or in a bad mood...
If we share bad with them, then they will feel it's OK or justified to share bad with us... in the same way that if they are mean to us, we might feel justified then, to be mean to them...
you could ask h, via text, how her kid is doing. Or ask the Godchild. I asked H via text.... I got a response from her instead (from her phone). Not sure how that came about, but she said she appreciated me being concerned about D6.
As for what you told your h, it's not the content so much as the tone. I think if you'd said' "wow that sure looks like you're putting her kids above yours" that MIGHT have worked--- I'm sure H would have turned it around on me somehow- he's always had a problem with me presenting a 'challenge' to any decision he makes, says it makes him feel like I have no faith in his abilities... esp towards the end- he always told me that I was just trying to start an argument.
except your kids were only having breakfast with him, and her kids had a higher need and one was sick. Where the heck is HER ex h?? Her soon-to-be-ex is deployed to Guam until June this year. (he's been gone since april '11) My H kept saying that he didn't understand why the breakfast couldn't just be move to sunday.... I don't really have a problem with this- but in that moment, I couldn't see past the fact that *her* kids were coming before *ours*.
(Do you still believe she was "abused"??) Mental/sexual abuse-yes. When she started D proceedings, ex-h started the mental abuse on D16... I had a few choice words with him one night, and he now calls me: 'a retched excuse of a human.' Can we say he's a guy who doesn't like a woman to stand up to him?! He actually wanted to get an order in their papers that said I couldn't be around any of the kids, OW told him that he would have to explain the specifics of that to the judge- go ahead, air out your dirty laundry. He said he didn't want all that info to come out in public... a true coward.
I'm NOT sure your answer about not wanting him now anyhow, was so bad. It made me almost throw up saying it to him. He looked me right in the eye, furrowed his eyebrows, didn't say a word and walked away. I'm not sure how it made him feel. In that moment, it's how you felt. Don't keep apologizing or at least not more than once...and remind him that this is all VERY NEW & RAW for you... unlike him, you have not had weeks or months of pondering internally, AND you were under the mistaken belief she was YOUR bff and HE was YOUR h... so he's going to have to bare with you as you learn to create a new, happy and fulfilling life for yourself--which you WILL DO---and have begun-- Is there any way to get him to *see* this? Not make an excuse for my behavior, but how can I get him to give me a break? Or does this fall under the "I can't teach him what the consequences will be?"
and face a health challenge as well. (I would NOT mention that health issue ever, unless you have a real need for help and ONLY he can be there for you. Seriously, let him stew in the fact that as you face it, you ask nothing of him... he's not a monster yet. He'll squirm... same goes for her if she has any decency left in her)...and if not, what's the point of sharing it with either of them? Don't seek pity b/c it's very close to contempt. Many LBSers don't get that. I can see where he may have viewed some of my health issues as trying to get pity, that wasn't my intention. I really wish I had someone to share this with me, so I could have a shoulder to cry on when needed. If I don't involve him, do I run the risk of pushing him too far away?
I feel for the Godchild, but if they vilify YOU, you will be blamed for the pain and "not accepting that the marriage was over and THEN they decided to date" which is the story they'll put out there. I'm really scared that this will be the story that gets shared with mutual friends. I think that D16 understood my feelings with H and our separation, so she won't buy it.
By being the calm uber zen Purg you are becoming, that will be harder to keep telling themselves...oh and don't forget, SHE HAS FLAWS and they'll start to show soon...is she a perfect mother? Thought not... He knows of her flaws, but that doesn't seem to stop him. I really hope that her flaws as a 'GF' outweigh her flaws as a 'friend'... cause as a 'friend' she's not jealous, possessive, or needy.
and as for your Mother Teresa progress, hey it's not linear growth. we all take 2 steps forward, or 5, and then a few backwards... but on the whole, there IS progress...and you're getting there. Thanks for the encouragement. I do tend to get hard on myself when I don't pick up a new skill right away (in all aspects of life)... but with emotions, there's not a standard to follow so it's more of a grey area.
Get yourself to that wacky workshop I told you about. I swear to God you will be levels higher in your happiness and contentment and your road to life, will be clearer to you. I looked it up online- it looks really amazing! There's a workshop in April, I"m starting to save $$ for it now.
Stay on your "Campaign message" and give yourself the pep talks we'd all need in your shoes. You would not believe the playlists I had on my Ipod...my "optimistic future w/new OM" playlist...which always made my workouts better or my "optimistic w/H" workouts which got hard to do at times...but easy to run harder b/c I was mad... the grief playlists if I wanted to wallow b/c I tended to tire myself of it and snap out of it faster IN TIME or my "happy single mama", travelling around and living where SHE wants to live- for the first time in decades, (so long Army!!!) Right now, I have a 'happy', 'cry', 'angry', 'motivated' playlists. Some songs are in multiple lists, but they help to get me in the right mood.... Esp when I have 15 minutes in the shower and I need to get all my tears out- the 'sad' playlist is perfect to get it over with quickly! (((( ))))
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
[Many people on here have said to look for the positives, and applaud the 1% they do.]
The baby is sick today. I text H after he left this morning to let him know about his fever. We both became concerned that he might be getting sick from whatever D6 has a the hospital today (since they've spent the last few days together.) H kept texting/asking how our baby was doing, I responded with temperature readings and symptoms. He was communicating back and forth with OW and me to compare symptoms of the kids.
I told H that the baby would only drink apple juice, and we had run out. I didn't ask him to bring any, but he offered and came over soon after (1%?) We made a plan for taking the baby to the hospital if his fever got worse.
[I was on my computer the whole time, playing on these boards- trying to seem occupied] H stood opposite of the desk and looked sad. I asked what's gong on and he unloaded (not angry) with how he was frustrated that he didn't get to do what he planned today- "but you can't help when kids get sick". He also made a point of telling me what his plans were for the rest of the weekend (non of which involved OW and her kids)... opening up for a reason?? He lingered for a little bit, then walked to the door- I never got up from my computer.... and actually started this post as I was listening to him.
I said: "good bye" from my desk H said: "bye babe"
I don't want to overanalyze (too late, already doing it) but was this a good thing that he shared without me questioning? Why do they do this? I know, I know... have no expectations.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
[Many people on here have said to look for the positives, and applaud the 1% they do.]
The baby is sick today. I text H after he left this morning to let him know about his fever. We both became concerned that he might be getting sick from whatever D6 has a the hospital today (since they've spent the last few days together.) H kept texting/asking how our baby was doing, I responded with temperature readings and symptoms. this^^^ is positive
He was communicating back and forth with OW and me to compare symptoms of the kids. I told H that the baby would only drink apple juice, and we had run out. I didn't ask him to bring any, but he offered and came over soon after (1%?) We made a plan for taking the baby to the hospital if his fever got worse.
this^^^ is positive
[I was on my computer the whole time, playing on these boards- trying to seem occupied] H stood opposite of the desk and looked sad. I asked what's gong on and he unloaded (not angry) with how he was frustrated that he didn't get to do what he planned today- "but you can't help when kids get sick". he shared and you can validate...or not...whatever...but the sharing is a positive too. And it's good you didn't say "well, ,DUH" when he finished with the blindingly insightful comment that one "can't help when kids get sick"...he has an adult in there...
He also made a point of telling me what his plans were for the rest of the weekend (non of which involved OW and her kids)... opening up for a reason?? He lingered for a little bit, then walked to the door-
all^^^ positives...
I never got up from my computer....
why not? What was the goal here? To look busy? Okay I get that...BUT
how about making full eye contact when he speaks to you, listening without arguing or dismissing but just HEARING him, so you show you really value everything he says? Just food for thought...
and actually started this post as I was listening to him. I said: "good bye" from my desk H said: "bye babe"
Not negative...but read nothing into the use of the word "babe" b/c he used it with you the same day or week he dropped both bombs...sorry.
But like I said, it's not a negative...
I don't want to overanalyze (too late, already doing it) but was this a good thing that he shared without me questioning? Why do they do this? I know, I know... have no expectations.
yes, you know...no expectations...but be warm and receptive and pleasant b/c you are a fun loving, life living woman with a lot going on for her and in her future...
IF & When he brings up the Div or the OW, then you say "whoah h, I only just learned that you wanted out AND that a woman I considered my bff is actually your interest...so I am behind you on the "acceptance" continuum and need a lot more time to process things..."
you can use that last line to delay any decisions he wants if you are not ready. You have a right not to be ready....for awhile. Then you need to get your ducks in order. I'd see a L when you can--they're free for activie duty so see the JAG officer on base and get their counsel. I was a JAG officer and in most states we cannot represent the party in court but we can advise about the military aspects and what if anything you'd be entitled to.
You have a valid health insurance issue...but now I can't recall how long you've been married...and was he military the whole time?
as for OW? I don't reflect on her...not worth the energy AND not within your control... anything that's not in your control, really needs to be let go of asap...
crucial step to detachment AND a happier life in general anyhow
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
