you could ask h, via text, how her kid is doing. Or ask the Godchild. I asked H via text.... I got a response from her instead (from her phone). Not sure how that came about, but she said she appreciated me being concerned about D6.
As for what you told your h, it's not the content so much as the tone. I think if you'd said' "wow that sure looks like you're putting her kids above yours" that MIGHT have worked--- I'm sure H would have turned it around on me somehow- he's always had a problem with me presenting a 'challenge' to any decision he makes, says it makes him feel like I have no faith in his abilities... esp towards the end- he always told me that I was just trying to start an argument.
except your kids were only having breakfast with him, and her kids had a higher need and one was sick. Where the heck is HER ex h?? Her soon-to-be-ex is deployed to Guam until June this year. (he's been gone since april '11) My H kept saying that he didn't understand why the breakfast couldn't just be move to sunday.... I don't really have a problem with this- but in that moment, I couldn't see past the fact that *her* kids were coming before *ours*.
(Do you still believe she was "abused"??) Mental/sexual abuse-yes. When she started D proceedings, ex-h started the mental abuse on D16... I had a few choice words with him one night, and he now calls me: 'a retched excuse of a human.' Can we say he's a guy who doesn't like a woman to stand up to him?! He actually wanted to get an order in their papers that said I couldn't be around any of the kids, OW told him that he would have to explain the specifics of that to the judge- go ahead, air out your dirty laundry. He said he didn't want all that info to come out in public... a true coward.
I'm NOT sure your answer about not wanting him now anyhow, was so bad. It made me almost throw up saying it to him. He looked me right in the eye, furrowed his eyebrows, didn't say a word and walked away. I'm not sure how it made him feel. In that moment, it's how you felt. Don't keep apologizing or at least not more than once...and remind him that this is all VERY NEW & RAW for you... unlike him, you have not had weeks or months of pondering internally, AND you were under the mistaken belief she was YOUR bff and HE was YOUR h... so he's going to have to bare with you as you learn to create a new, happy and fulfilling life for yourself--which you WILL DO---and have begun-- Is there any way to get him to *see* this? Not make an excuse for my behavior, but how can I get him to give me a break? Or does this fall under the "I can't teach him what the consequences will be?"
and face a health challenge as well. (I would NOT mention that health issue ever, unless you have a real need for help and ONLY he can be there for you. Seriously, let him stew in the fact that as you face it, you ask nothing of him... he's not a monster yet. He'll squirm... same goes for her if she has any decency left in her)...and if not, what's the point of sharing it with either of them? Don't seek pity b/c it's very close to contempt. Many LBSers don't get that. I can see where he may have viewed some of my health issues as trying to get pity, that wasn't my intention. I really wish I had someone to share this with me, so I could have a shoulder to cry on when needed. If I don't involve him, do I run the risk of pushing him too far away?
I feel for the Godchild, but if they vilify YOU, you will be blamed for the pain and "not accepting that the marriage was over and THEN they decided to date" which is the story they'll put out there. I'm really scared that this will be the story that gets shared with mutual friends. I think that D16 understood my feelings with H and our separation, so she won't buy it.
By being the calm uber zen Purg you are becoming, that will be harder to keep telling themselves...oh and don't forget, SHE HAS FLAWS and they'll start to show soon...is she a perfect mother? Thought not... He knows of her flaws, but that doesn't seem to stop him. I really hope that her flaws as a 'GF' outweigh her flaws as a 'friend'... cause as a 'friend' she's not jealous, possessive, or needy.
and as for your Mother Teresa progress, hey it's not linear growth. we all take 2 steps forward, or 5, and then a few backwards... but on the whole, there IS progress...and you're getting there. Thanks for the encouragement. I do tend to get hard on myself when I don't pick up a new skill right away (in all aspects of life)... but with emotions, there's not a standard to follow so it's more of a grey area.
Get yourself to that wacky workshop I told you about. I swear to God you will be levels higher in your happiness and contentment and your road to life, will be clearer to you. I looked it up online- it looks really amazing! There's a workshop in April, I"m starting to save $$ for it now.
Stay on your "Campaign message" and give yourself the pep talks we'd all need in your shoes. You would not believe the playlists I had on my Ipod...my "optimistic future w/new OM" playlist...which always made my workouts better or my "optimistic w/H" workouts which got hard to do at times...but easy to run harder b/c I was mad... the grief playlists if I wanted to wallow b/c I tended to tire myself of it and snap out of it faster IN TIME or my "happy single mama", travelling around and living where SHE wants to live- for the first time in decades, (so long Army!!!) Right now, I have a 'happy', 'cry', 'angry', 'motivated' playlists. Some songs are in multiple lists, but they help to get me in the right mood.... Esp when I have 15 minutes in the shower and I need to get all my tears out- the 'sad' playlist is perfect to get it over with quickly! (((( ))))
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
