Living with a WAW while going through a D part III

[Rick1963]

"You would have never done those things for yourself unless you had been pushed into the situation you're in."

JB Isn't that^^^^the sad truth. 2 years ago I was stagnant had accomplished everything I set myself to accomplish. Had nothing to look forward to (in my head). This sitch is like a new beginning. A new start I guess. Even tho it hurts like heck.

As someone said "never let a good crisis go to waste".

[onyourside2]

hi rick

you have keen eyes and ears for not over-pursuing or over-initiating. when the time is right, as previous poster noted, it's all about starting small. very small!

let's look at the "negative information field", or things that have not or are not happening. W is not racing to complete divorce. W is not going out of her way to avoid you. we don't necessarily know what those things mean, but the more things like that you can put together, the more likely it is there's a reason behind the pattern.

let's say there is a marital distress continuum that each partner has. on that continuum, let's say, for arugment's sake, there is a mythical "point of no return" that some people reach. these would be the people that go through and complete their divorces. whether some of those could have been brought back to life by savvy DBers, we'll never know.

let's say, also for argument's sake, that there is a point just short of that where timely and thoughtful strategies and actions can put the relationship back in play. sometimes in these situations the potential walk away partner notices short term changes. they are intrigued, but still very, very cautious. and they really want to see if it will last before they show any intentional outward sign of interest in the relationship. it is possible you are in this position.

if so, give credit to yourself, as it means you've really done some things right - including not over-pursuing and your GALing.
i hope these things really raise your stock of self-respect.

if you have the emotional resilience to keep your DB approach alive, let me offer or reinforce these ideas:

1) continue to be thoughtful about creating breathing room for you and W to reduce tension.

2) continue to look for small ways that you can change day to day living patterns and see what happens as a result. you don't even need an end result to target. the point is, do these things for the sake of doing them and observe results.

3) if you see improvements, don't move in too fast. i doubt you will - you seem very good at this part.

4) stay steady and do not get sucked into the repetition of ancient arguments or negative ways of interacting. that's the perfect time to be pro-active and show mastery of new dance steps.

and have a great time this weekend. you have great supporters here with lots of great ideas. i hope mine help as well.

best,

oys2

[Rick1963]

Onyourside you provide some interesting and provocative thoughts which I really appreciate. I know W and when she makes up her mind she follows through regadless of consequences. Seen her do it many times. I don't believe this M can be saved but DBing has helped me deal with this and look at myself. I will continue to have hope where there does not seem to be any. Not much else I can do right now. I am not much of a follower but in this sitch I have given her total control and I will sit back and cooperate as I have. Thank you again

[hope2011]

You are doing a great job of GAL Rick. A good example for us all.

[onyourside2]

thanks, rick.

at the end of the day, you are the only one who knows how much you can do and how much energy you can invest. none of us can know that. any thoughts i offer are offered with that in mind. and as someone who has been in your shoes - twice - i'm only too happy to offer my unconditional support regardless of how your situation evolves.

and the one thing i can say is that all my pain was not for naught. it made me look into myself, too, and i am very thankful for that. anyone who can do this in your situation not only has my support, they truly have my respect as well.

keep us posted.

oys2

[Rick1963]

Thank you onyourside. I have noticed that W is very cold in the morning. This morning I made myself breakfast as I had an appoinment and W has been sleeping in later. I noticed also she was rubbing her neck. I guess the couch must be getting to her. For some reason I feel uncomfortable around her not sure why? Almost as if I don't want her around me. Our landline phones have a missed call alert on their screens. Went to clear them and noticed several of
W's relatives called on the same day. That is very odd. Something going on.

Well my GAL plans changed due to the huge amount of snow, 1 inch. So no BBQ today but maybe tomorrow. So instead had plan B. Teach D to make stuffed calamaris. Divorce care group starts in a week hopefully there are no new people. This DB thing is so crazy.

Ps prediction is that the Giants take it but what do I know

[jbnati]

For some reason I feel uncomfortable around her not sure why? Almost as if I don't want her around me.

I think this can be pretty normal. You've made all these positive changes in yourself. She has not made any positive changes and she acts like she doesn't want to be around you. That can be very wearing. You don't want her attitude to drag you down.

[workinghardguy]

I don't believe this M can be saved but DBing has helped me deal with this and look at myself.

But you don't really want THIS marriage to be saved, do you? You'd like your W to try a new marriage with you, but what's the point in saving the old one? So if this next step moves you closer to getting a new R with your W... well, maybe that's worth something.

[mr mr]

WHG said it perfectly and if I could only find a way to get my W to understand this is my goal, she seems convinced that I want the old marriage back.....I must look stupid to her. Lol

[workinghardguy]

if I could only find a way to get my W to understand this is my goal

But that's the problem isn't it? It's OUR goal as in our own personal goal, not "OUR" goal as in the collective of husband and wife.

I believe the WAS has to get to a point where trying a new R/M with us is the best available option for them. Better than being single, better than the OM/OW, better than moving through a sequence of guys/gals trying to find the "right" one.

If there is one thing we have going for us is that, at some point in time, we were the "right one". So at least we have that...