that is one great relationship summary, packed with valuable information!
first, no one can be inside W's head, but....if i had to bet, i would bet she is confused, for one simple reason: you are changing. and it sounds like truly for the better.
secondly, you are a natural at the principles of divorce-busting. you have already done some of the most critical things. you naturally understand you and your wife are a "system" - "then we became each other's cause and effect...". it is very helpful to understand this. it means you have the power and awareness to be the cause.
as i look at the overall arc of your story, you have quickly gone from shell-shocked and desperate to empowered and self-respecting. notice the equation: setting boundaries = self-respect = changes in the relationship atmosphere. by doing this in your case you discovered something very important - your W may not be so sure this is what she really wants.
you've also found a strange and paradoxical truth: pursuit of the withdrawing partner and resistance to the divorce plan almost invariably intensifies the determination of the withdrawer. conversely, dropping pursuit and resistance is where the withdrawer discovers their own uncertainties and mixed feelings.
keep building yourself and getting a life. if you want to lose weight, don't give up. i think the biggest difference between people who succeed at goals like this in the long run is they understand and accept it's an on-going process, and they don't become overly deflated with their so-called failures. your building of healthy behaviors will gradually displace unhealthy ones if you are patient with yourself and don't freak out about setbacks.
one final thought: i don't think you want to nag your W about IC. just likely to create resistance. the most powerful tool you have is the testimonial of your own example. she will notice the positive changes you are making and there is a chance she will want some of that for herself.
