Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - It ain't easy!

[JustStunned]

Val, what drives the desire to maintain no contact?

Initially I went dark as a tactic, and then I realized it was to carve out a safe place for me to heal. I’ve healed and gotten stronger. I am more the mean motor-scooter I was when I met STBX. Yet I’ve mellowed a bit. Not as mean, not as lean, but still _ _...... I’ve had no direct contact since Oct. I know I’ll comport myself well when next I see her, maybe we’ll even speak.

Is it fear, are you protecting yourself? I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit. An awful lot of water has passed under the bridge. You have put a lot of effort into yourself. You are not the same person you were. You will recognize traps previously caught in. You can avoid these. You can DB well.

Or are you truly done, ready to shut the door, to move on? Is it something else?

Sometime ago I copied this about coming out of the dark. Just in case. IDK it may have something for you. (((Val)))

See also the fav in DB

"Choosing the medium" is an important decision when it comes to contact with your partner. Should it be by phone, text message, face-to-face, e-mail, cards, letters, television ads, sky-writing, etc., etc.? (What are some more possibilities?)

They all have their advantages, and disadvantages. "more of what works, less of what doesn't", and "180's" come into play a lot here.

Phone calls can be good if you're in the right frame of mind, and gives you the ability to be the one to end the call first. However, you may catch THEM at a bad time, and not end up with the results you want. It doesn't allow for seeing expressions, although a lot can be told by the tone of their voice. Keep in mind the possibility that if a phone call DOES go bad, you may have called at the wrong time.

Voice-mail and answering machines can work well, as long as you don't fret over any time-delays for a response.

In my situation, my wife had a LOT going on while we were apart from each other. Phone calls didn't work because either it was a bad time, she kept getting interupted, or her phone battery would go dead. E-mail didn't work, because she had no computer access. Face-to-face didn't work because of all that she had going on in her life, and this method usually turned out bad.

One thing that DID work well for me was cards. She always loved the cards I gave to her, because of the things that I would write inside of them. Made her cry almost all of the time (happy tears, btw!). So, I began by sending her cards, some funny, friend type of ones, without all the mushy writing. No OR talk, just hey, how you doing. I sent her 2 cards for her birthday, one from me, one from the dog, both very funny. I also sent her one around the time of an annual trade show of mine that we were both very involved in, telling her my appreciation of the tolerance and enthusiasm she had for how involved I was with this show in years past. I skipped any cards for our anniversary and Valentine's Day.

How did the cards work? Well, pretty good actually. It took over a week for her to acknowledge that she got them, and, even then, it wasn't a huge response. However, after I sent them, she did initiate the contact with me by phone, and made it a point to "make the time" for us to talk a bit. The talks soon began to become more frequent, for a longer duration, and slooowly became much deeper.

Text messaging back and forth on our phones to each other also worked great. It didn't interupt anything that either of us was doing, it forced me to keep the message briefer, and have no expectations for an immediate response.

And, no, I never went as far as doing the TV ads, or sky-writing!

What are some more possibilities for "mediums"? What things haven't you thought of, or tried, yet? What small contacts could you do to start the butterfly effect in motion?