Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

Does your husband make comments about maybe being together again someday? Mine is just so confused and lost right now. He has no idea what he wants. He does not want to let me go, but he wants to know what life is like without me. He's made it so I have no other choice but to detach and try to move on. I'd lose my ever loving mind otherwise, dealing with his mixed signals.

I'm sure he and I will always be friends. BUT, and this is a huge BUT, I have no idea how we'll act around each other if/when we start seeing other people and it gets serious. He is seriously pained by the thought of me with someone else. Is your H the same way?

I'm off from school until Monday School is Mon-Thurs. Mr. chain smoker is pretty odd. I can't believe he can't even get through class without dragging on that water vapor cigarette! That's a pretty big problem. I just scoot my chair away from him and ignore him. He's in the medical assisting program. I find that to be ironic.

[purgatory]

LOL!! Yes, I would love to know that my medical personal is a MAJOR chain smoker!!

To answer your questions:
No, H has not mentioned that there is a future for us. In fact, he continuously says: "I don't want to do things that give you the wrong impression, as if there's some chance for us to be together again." People on here have told me- that the fact he feels the need to repeat that statement (as if I'm deaf) is to convince himself.. .so in some strange way, I'm glad he still says it. It's when he stops 'convincing' himself that I have to worry.

H has also mentioned me dating others, and he goes back and forth. For the most part, he's always said that he knows he'll "have to get used to the idea, but it's part of the process." Yet when he *does* say something about a potential boyfriend, he refers to him as a 'douchebag' i.e.: "I'll want to meet this douchebag before he comes around my kids." I flat out asked him once, if he *wanted* me to date so he wouldn't feel guilty about him dating.... he couldn't give me a straight answer.

I wish my H was conflicted like yours (sorta)- I see the confusion and frustrations that his actions bring onto you, wouldn't want to deal with that. At least my H's words match his actions (most of the time.) Yet, it really hurts to know that he has shut down that part of his heart to me and he's comfortable moving on with out me.

Everyone here says you shouldn't believe what they say and only about 50% of what they do... well, mine is saying he's done, and he taking actions towards dating someone else- what am I supposed to believe?

How much of that is truth, how much is 'convincing'?? I wish I knew.

(I just realized that I hijacked your post to talk about my sitch, sorry.)

[Jenna333]

Hey, hijack away! I asked you the questions I would agree that your H is trying to convince himself. Mine said the same things the first week or two. He is still saying it without actually saying the words, if that makes sense. After he said I love you to me the other day, he was sure to cautiously tell me he meant it and that it makes all of this harder. I read between the lines. He was saying, "I do love you, but I'm not coming home, and I still don't know what I want." Nothing has changed in that department. He's still telling me without telling me that he's not trying to give me the wrong impression. I believe he's trying pretty hard to convince himself that he NEEDS to explore life without me.

Ha! Mine refers to future guys as douchebags, too! Same exact term. I think that proves that he's uncomfortable with the idea of you dating. Just wait until it actually happens. Right now it's just an idea that he hasn't had to deal with in reality yet.

A big part of me is glad that he is conflicted, but it doesn't mean that he'll ever come home to me, though, you know? I don't regret the intimacies we've shared since he left...in fact, as pathetic as this is, I'll cherish those memories in case they're the last ones of us together in that way...but it hasn't helped me at all. His words have not matched his actions. The only thing he's been consistent with is that he's not coming home anytime soon.

Your H moved out today? I see that in your sig. ((Pur)) As hard as it is to have him out of the house, it's so much easier, IMO. I can't imagine grieving the relationship with him still living with me. I knew he was not going to change his mind anytime soon, so I just had to have him out. It was like a slap in the face every time I saw him after he ended up but hadn't moved out yet. There was only a 3-day period that he lived here after he left me, but it felt like an eternity. The first night he slept apart from me (the night he ended it) I snuck downstairs at 2am and slept on the couch with him I cried all night and kept touching his face and snuggled up to him. Ahh, tough memories. I have a lump in my throat just remembering how I've felt. As hard as this all is, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks. As J would say (ugh, I can't call him 'H' and I don't like calling him 'ex'), I'm making the world my bitch, lol! That's his mature side talking We have so much fun together. Damn him.

Anyway, I don't think your H has had to truly face what he's chosen yet because he's still been living with you. I remember being shocked as the weeks went by and mine hadn't come home yet. I thought for the sure he'd miss me enough to want to be with me again. It's so much more complicated than that, though. I'm probably in the minority though in that I would never want him to live with me after leaving me. At first I did. He was planning to stay until maybe he got his tax refund! That's a couple of months. I just could not handle it. I felt I couldn't handle it either way I was an utter wreck every single day the first couple of weeks after he moved out.

[purgatory]

Yeah, him living here daily has been really tough for both of us (I can't even believe I have sympathy for him!) but, it's hard for me to see him, want to be with him and not be allowed to- the flip side of that is that he wants out, he made his choice- and yet, he wasn't ever able to leave. It was like watching a caged lion, and his anger and resenent (that was feeding his need for the breakup) was still there everyday because he couldn't get away from me.

So even though him moving out is another Hirt that I will have to process, its a good thing for both of us. The side effect I don't like, is knowing that he's spending time with *her*.... I'm really trying not to think about it.

I think it's good that you will look back fondly of the times you've ML during the separation. I'm envious in a way, because the last time we ML was after a fight- so it was fueled by angry passion (don't get me wrong, it was good) but I wish that 'our last time' was one motivated by expressing our love for each other.

You are doing awesome things in such a short period of time!! You WILL make it through this having become a better version of you- you should be very proud of yourself!

[Jenna333]

"It was like watching a caged lion, and his anger and resenent (that was feeding his need for the breakup) was still there everyday because he couldn't get away from me."

Exactly! Space can do wonders for healing and clearing your head. I remember less than a week after he moved out I called him over here because S was coughing at night and waking up constantly and I had been up for 22 hours solid (heartbreak-induced insomnia, gotta love it) and I needed sleep. Of course another reason was that I MISSED the hell out of him and wanted him over here. Of course once he got here S was fine, and I jumped straight into pursuing, begging, crying. He had had a few beers, and he was MAD. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "NOBODY will control me ever again. I do what I want." I was shocked. He had NEVER spoken to me like that before. I was also shocked by the sheer immaturity of the statement. He has denied the anger since then, but I know it's still there. The space has helped him to cool down and it's caused him to miss me. He couldn't miss me if he was still here day in and day out. He doesn't deny having a lot of resentment towards me. That's what he says he's having the hardest time letting go of. Time. Time will help with that if he allows it to.

There is a *her*? I'm sorry That explains why he's not telling you that there's hope for you two someday. He's in a fog. I've been there myself, and I remember being in the fog. It did not clear until I saw J moving on from me. Once I found out about that, the OM lost his allure. I know he has hung out with a girl he had a crush on at least once. I try to keep it out of my mind, which is very hard to do. As well as I feel I'm doing, given the circumstances, he is never far from my mind He's shared that it's the same way with him. He says he misses watching all of our special shows with me. He feels weird watching movies without me.

How are you doing? Are you feeling any stronger and like you're bettering yourself?

My thread is always slow. I'm enjoying the conversation

[purgatory]

I'm enjoying the conversation too.... wish we could get together for some "wine and whines" Our kids would probably get a long too!

Yes, there is OW... and.... she's my BFF! Well, not anymore.

You should read my thread- this all came to light last wednesday (the 11th, my oldest's birthday... I'm not doing well with this AT ALL!) There's a lot of details and history of our friendship that help explain why this is SO much worse than just a 'stranger' OW

I've been trying to GAL, and I've tried to make some new friends with women who were just casual friends before, I tried a new church and I liked it.... I've also got some plans for the future- because I have to schedule big events on "my" every-other-weekend.

I'm hoping that the 'space' factor will help his anger/resentment to subside... but now with the OW, he has no need to let anything go because he'll get what he needs from her.... vomit!! I've been obsessed with the thoughts that he won't come back no matter what I do on my end, because OW knows what broke us up- so she'll make sure never to do those things.

On top of all the emotional turmoil, I've still got my health issues, and it's not looking so good. H still comes to my appointments, but I don't understand his motivation for that- he doesn't hug, hold my hand to comfort when I'm scared. I kinda feel like I'm his prized cow that he takes to the vet to make sure she'll still produce... The only value (I feel) that he has for me, is to make sure I'm around to take care of the kids- esp. since he's leaving in 5 months UGGGGGHHHHH!

[Jenna333]

Oh no! I'll go catch up on your thread(s) right now. It always sickens me to hear about a 'BFF' becoming the OP It's so cowardly! Have you entertained the thought that you may be better off without him?

I wish we could get together IRL, too. Our oldest kids are the same age

[Jenna333]

I meant that they're close to the same age, haha. Long day.

I hate that I'm sad I won't see him until Monday. I'm glad, because I know it's good for me, but oh, I hate it at the same time He mentioned maybe stopping by on Sunday and I told him no, this is my weekend, and he'll have them next weekend. Of course with his job he won't be able to keep them past 4pm on his weekends, though.

It's times like this that his mixed signals mess with his head. It's kept me hooked on him and clinging to the idea that he could change his mind. NO. I cannot go there. He's not changing his mind. He wouldn't be going through with child support if he were thinking of changing his mind. He wants me and doesn't want me at the same time

[purgatory]

Try not to play the tennis match in your head (he wants me, he doesn't, he wants me...) you'll give yourself a major headache!!!

(Not that I do this) but, everyone says to not have any expectations. That anytime you see a positive interaction from H, don't assume it means anything (as you've experienced with ML sessions) It keeps you from getting heartbroken, and stops the back and forth in your head.

Like I said, I could write you a manuel of what we *should* be doing through this process.... putting into action takes a lot more strength, patience, bitting my tongue, and unconditional love that I ever thought I had.

To answer your questions above ('better off without him?'): It's crossed my mind lately- I think mostly inspired by OW. I keep reminding myself, that *this* H is in crisis (almost like being on drugs) and therefore is not acting/being the man that I really know him to be. I don't want THIS one back. If he never came out of crisis, I don't think I would want him back (but I can't even commit entirely to that statement). We have too much history, family, and shared loved to close that off so soon (almost 2 months) after the bomb. For now, I'm standing for my M, and for the man that I know he really is- the one behind the crisis fog.

[Jenna333]

I had a dream about him being super happy with a pretty 19 year old I hate dreaming since he left.

Yesterday when he mentioned other guys, he asked me if it felt weird to be hit on. I said yeah, especially since I'm not completely closed off to it like I was while we were together. His face fell. He said, "So if someone hits on you, you could think 'Hey, he's actually cute' and be interested? That's great :(" I just don't understand. Why ask that question? Does he expect me to not be open to other people? If he's open to seeing what else is out there, so am I. At first I wasn't going to answer him. I told him he shouldn't be asking me things like that and told him it will only hurt him. He told me to just please answer. And of course the answer hurt him. I don't ask him questions like that anymore. I know that it only hurts me, and I don't need the extra hurt.

I believe we'll always be able to be friends because we get along so well, so that will be good for the kids. BUT I guess I can't say that yet. We haven't started seeing others yet. It's obvious he will be very hurt when it happens for me and of course I'll be hurt when it happens for him I hate going there in my mind. I'm there now because of the dream. In the dream he was happy with her, but he would sneak over to me and cuddle me and kiss me. That is not how it will be IRL. I will not be waiting for him on the sidelines.