WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

Traveled to Milwaukee for an education conference...

Feeling very conflicted and heartbroken today. The couple days away were good. Other than my W texting me with her rental house mini-drama and my S being sick, it was good to be away. Unfortunately S ended up at the hospital again this morning for respiratory issues, but got stronger asthma meds and hopefully they can help.

The conflicted and heartbroken piece is that my W has found a house. It's the one I thought the utilities would be too much, but apparently they aren't. The landlord is only willing to hold it until Feb 15... so there's my Valentine's Day present... my family moving out.

I'm conflicted because part of me is relieved to have a resolution to the detente we've been in. Because I know this is part of the process and that if we're ever to reconnect this largely has to happen. But of course I'm heartbroken because... well... I probably don't have to explain that. So much for June or April... but might as well rip the band-aid.

And honestly I've been focusing the past few days on making lemonade... knowing that this suxx but I can either do the best with the hand that's been dealt or wallow in self-pity. I want my kids to see me as the guy playing the hand not folding. And that's what I'm doing, but it is hard. With time it will be easier, but this very moment it's pretty hard.

W and I came at odds a bit today. I was unpacking and she came upstairs to talk about the move, where she will get the deposit money from, etc... I hadn't really processed much since the drive home was through constant snow and very stressful. I started to get a little emotional... not bawling, not crying.. just quiet and a little teary. She got snippy with me... accused me of guilting her. And I really had had enough right then. I told her if she was going to come upstairs, into MY room, and just start without the courtesy of asking if I could talk then she can just deal with whatever emotional state I am in. That I was not "guilting" her and that in fact my emotions were not about her. They were about my kids moving out of my house and away from me. That, frankly, if I wasn't somewhat emotional and sad about that then there's probably something very wrong with me. And lastly, since I do not ask her to not be excited about her new venture and anxious about starting on her own, then I'd appreciate it if she would not take me to task for my emotions. They are my emotions and I have as much right to have them as she has a right to have hers.

After that she apologized... she agreed that she shouldn't have just barged in to the room and she asked when would be ok to talk and I told her later we could.

After dinner she left for her friend's house. I shake my head because she wanted to go there because "three straight days with the kids, and two at home with S" has her worn out. She needs a break. Ok. It's "my weekend" with S anyway so do what you will.

And it's not that things are adversarial. She has been very... I don't know the right term, but open is maybe the right term. She has wanted my approval/opinion on the house, despite me repeatedly saying this is her call and decision... she doesn't need my blessing. I am torn because I am heartbroken that it's only a few weeks away. Yet I am happy that the house is only a mile from my house, right downtown (we live in a small town), it's even on the route of my morning run, and two blocks from a big park, two blocks from the library, etc... The kids can walk to school from there and walk/bike to my house. It really is everything we had agreed on in her finding a house.

And this coming off the trip where I really felt pretty good overall. In the past on a long trip like this I would've checked our phone records at least twice a day... driven myself nuts wondering what my W was doing, checked emails from the net nanny software. But before I left I shut the software down... I didn't look at phone records once, I didn't even wonder or worry about what W was doing. I didn't really care. I felt pretty good heading home today.

I know, deep down, that this is a process. This is one more step. Nothing new here... a few weeks now, a few weeks later, what's the big deal? Just have to fully get my head around that. In the mean time I need to continue to count what I have... kids I love, at least some type of R with my W where we can get along, talk, and interact, and all of that.