Four Weeks Till D-Day

[Oneeleven]

Why are you waiting until May? All of what you've written is based on your expectation that he will walk in the door, realize he's been foolish, sweep you off your feet, carry you to the bedroom and all will be well.

And I am not sure if I am coming across all wrong here. I think I've said this A LOT in this thread and my other. I DO NOT EXPECT him to do what you've listed above. I don't know why you think that.

[labug]

I think that because I read your thread. People say this a lot around here: Actions speak louder than words.

I wish you well.

[Oneeleven]

I just don't see how rushing around to find a place, going into debt, putting our dog in a kennel and making her unhappy and confused, and basically making MYSELF miserable is a good choice. If I did it, it would simply be to make the point to him that I CAN leave, which I think is ridiculous.



I have never claimed that he was going to come home and whisk me off my feet. But read my threads as you will Labug.

[Oneeleven]

Something interesting of note:

I honestly and truly believe in the bottom of my heart and with my BRAIN that my R is done, over, kaput.

So.. whats left is DBing for myself. I am NO LONGER DBing at all in hopes to get him back.

So when I take that out of the equation, why do I care what he thinks if I actually leave before he gets home?

I don't.

I am simply trying to make this work out in my best interest at this point.

Selfish? Yep. You bet. And it's about time I grew a pair.



I did some stuff wrong, but I owned it. He USED to treat me like gold but he no longer does. At this point, I am IN LOVE with the man from before, but I don't want anything to do with the man he has been since he deployed.

Looks like I can no longer lean on this board for support.

Thanks a lot to those of you who have been so great and offered your time.

Take care everyone.

[Rick1963]

111 I know how easy it is to lose hope. but you must continue DBing because as you said it is for you and you only. The chnages you make now will transfer into other Rs. hang in there

[purgatory]

You don't have to leave just because you're 'not working towards reconciliation'

I would still love to know how you're doing with GAL and what actually happens when he comes home (it's all like a soap opera, you can't change te channel before the last 10 minutes)

Please dont think that you are no longer part of this 'family' just because you've changed your motivations..... In fact, accepting that the R is over and choosing to focus only on yourself- is EXACTLY what DBing is all about!!!

You've only just begun your journey, don't walk away just yet

[Oneeleven]

Pur, I wasn't leaving b/c I thought since I wasn't actively seeking a recon. I should post here.

I am leaving b/c it seems like I am only coming across as some needy thing who is waiting for my SO to walk through the door, say he's sorry and carry me to the bedroom.

After all I've written, it is MOST CERTAINLY NOT the case.

I feel as if I am being misjudged, and frankly I don't like it. I am trying really hard here to try and do the right things in a really WEIRD situation. If coming on here and reading certain posts makes me feel angry rather than reflective or even soothed, then what is the point?

I also feel as if people are much more quick for me to just move out and end this since we are not married.

I am quite sure that if I was writing this and had told everyone I was married, the opinions would be much different.

I DO NOT think that a piece of paper makes what we are going through any different. I'm sorry, I just don't.

So that is all.

But I do HOPE YOU all the best. Your situation really pisses me off and I hope so much for you and your H to have a happy, healthy recon where you both appreciate and love one another as you deserve to be.

[25yearsmlc]

I just don't see how rushing around to find a place,

you don't have a place. The "landlord" w/benefits gave you notice. He said you can stay til ay and that helps him...You MUST find a place anyhow...unless he sweeps you off your feet AND you decide to stay there or move with him...is that your hope? Why else would you Not look for another place?

going into debt,

you are already in debt for a wedding you are paying for...how HE gets off scot free, I don't know...sounds like a cad to me.

putting our dog in a kennel


it's HIS dog, right? OMG do you see how you talk yourself into getting mistreated?

You say the man was apparently charming to you for a relatively SHORT amount of time

and based on his ex wife's comments, this crappy behavior is MORE typical for him...the charming routine is his first act...

and making her unhappy and confused, and basically making MYSELF miserable is a good choice.

why are you making yourself "miserable" by moving forward?

See, what you don't get is that IF there is a chance for him to wake up

it won't be by you acting as if all is well and none of his cruel behavior matters.


If I did it, it would simply be to make the point to him that I CAN leave, which I think is ridiculous.


So, what point are you making by hanging around waiting for him NOT even being willing to be busy that night...but literally waiting at home for him w/the belief that you'll get a repeat of behavior from the start of the r? You could make a much stronger point that would further your cause more.

What do you think his reaction will be? How about after the first night, as in the next day and weeks? Why will he change his mind?? Will you check his dating sites? What then?


I have never claimed that he was going to come home and whisk me off my feet. But read my threads as you will Labug.

I read your thread one day, as totally rational and strong, and then calling him to say you "miss" him a few days later...(which you regret saying.)

Then you post making constructive plans for your new life, b/c you "get it"...a man told you to leave and he wants NO committment with you AND has been on dating sites even when you thought things were good between you, so trust would be hard to regain....

and then a few days later, you're here telling us you will wait for him to arrive and then...see what happens...

and that sounds like backsliding to me. [/color]

[Oneeleven]

000099][/color]

I just don't see how rushing around to find a place,

you don't have a place. The "landlord" w/benefits gave you notice. He said you can stay til ay and that helps him...You MUST find a place anyhow...unless he sweeps you off your feet AND you decide to stay there or move with him...is that your hope? Why else would you Not look for another place?

I am looking for another place. Taking my time and looking at buying instead now And I DO have a place. I was the one who told him I was going to leave. It was one of many times I threatened to walk out. He finally just said FINE GO.

going into debt,

you are already in debt for a wedding you are paying for...how HE gets off scot free, I don't know...sounds like a cad to me.


No, I have the wedding on a payment plan. I have zero debt right now. If I have to shell out to move pronto, I won't be able to make ALL the payments, and would go into debt

putting our dog in a kennel


it's HIS dog, right? OMG do you see how you talk yourself into getting mistreated?

[color:#000099] Um... she's my dog too and I love her. Sure he came to the R with the pooch and I the kitties, but they are my fur children. I love that dog more than I do most people.

You say the man was apparently charming to you for a relatively SHORT amount of time

and based on his ex wife's comments, this crappy behavior is MORE typical for him...the charming routine is his first act...[/color]

and making her unhappy and confused, and basically making MYSELF miserable is a good choice.

why are you making yourself "miserable" by moving forward?

[color:#000099] nooooo...., making myself miserable by.. going into debt.. by having to find and pick a place with not lots of time to do it... to moving when it's minus a billion, and hell.. to even have to search for a place in the snow. I don't drive, so none of this is a piece of cake.

See, what you don't get is that IF there is a chance for him to wake up

it won't be by you acting as if all is well and none of his cruel behavior matters.
[/color]

Very funny considering yours and everyone elses advice to most of the other people on here, even if their WAS is cheating and being horrible to them, you guys NEVER suggest the same to them. Interesting

If I did it, it would simply be to make the point to him that I CAN leave, which I think is ridiculous.


So, what point are you making by hanging around waiting for him NOT even being willing to be busy that night...but literally waiting at home for him w/the belief that you'll get a repeat of behavior from the start of the r? You could make a much stronger point that would further your cause more.

[color:#000099] My point? That I am mature enough to handle his homecoming and if I can get a decent convo out of him the night he returns, FANTATIC. I would love to hear where he is coming from. You guys forget.... we haven't had tons of ops to discuss all this. I just want to have a normal, face to face conversation with my ex.

What do you think his reaction will be? How about after the first night, as in the next day and weeks? Why will he change his mind?? Will you check his dating sites? What then?
[/color]

From his past behavior? he will be happy to be home. He will be sad and depressed as he always is returning to his desk job. And I won't bother checking his dating sites because I found out all I needed to know.

I have never claimed that he was going to come home and whisk me off my feet. But read my threads as you will Labug.

I read your thread one day, as totally rational and strong, and then calling him to say you "miss" him a few days later...(which you regret saying.)

Then you post making constructive plans for your new life, b/c you "get it"...a man told you to leave and he wants NO committment with you AND has been on dating sites even when you thought things were good between you, so trust would be hard to regain....

and then a few days later, you're here telling us you will wait for him to arrive and then...see what happens...

and that sounds like backsliding to me. [/color]I could see how that was misunderstood. I meant see how things goin reference to his mood/our conversation. Meaning if it was going well and he was opening up unprovoked, great, maybe we could clear the air, if he was being a jerk face, and not willing, I would either book it to my bedroom, or leave the house. Not how WE as a couple go. As fore-mentioned, realistically, I think we are done, and if we are not, its going to take a lot of work before 'we fall back in to line'

[Oneeleven]

sorry, ugg.. I tried to use blue above but sometimes is red... wish we could edit