The formula is there to protect you and your family. Those families are usually not all that generous. Women with children usually end up with a lower standard of living after a divorce, while the man's standard usually goes up.
Don't let him off the hook just because he whines. Yes, he will have to deal, but you are dealing right now! You need to fight for a fair amount so that you can provide for your kids. And the formula is a fair amount.
So stop enabling him, let him experience the fallout. His attorney knows perfectly well what the formula is and is gonna tell him that's the standard amount.
Im not going to lower anything...ive been thinking about it for 2 days and I cannot agree to that and feel like ive done the right thing. Im not going to give up what my kids deserve and if he cant see that it just proves hes exactley the kind of man I think he is...
The fact that he would use my feelings that he knows I still have for him is disgusting to me, and I really feel thats what he has been doing.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Going to second Al Anon meeting tonight while S14 attends Al Ateen across the hall. kind of excited to see his reaction..I was so relieved after my first meeting. Im wondering what he will take away from it.
Havent heard much in response to any of my recent post but have a dilemma that im facing and thinking threw...would like to get some other perspectives on it.
H finally called after looking at settlement papers and wanted to talk about them. I told him I didnt feel comfortable talking to him about the financial stuff, he should call my L. this^^^ must be your mantra from now on...period. That's what L's are for. To protect YOU and if it gets ugly, the Ls take the heat...not you
but he ended up getting me into a conversation that mainly consisted of him telling me how he couldnt live on what he would be left with if he paid me what the state is saying he should pay.
what an unfortunate consequence LIFE is teaching him. Then again, doesn't OW work too? (Do not ask...I'm just tossing that snarky comment in here)
Im trying really hard to not be spitefull but i have a hard time forgetting how xmas went with my kids, and how we are living now which is pretty much still hand to mouth. He made an offer that was probabley not reasonable..i have to check some things. Im going to have to start paying for medical out of my paycheck and other things. Heres my dilemma...H wanted this D.
irrelevant. You know why? b/c this is NOT just YOUR money to deal with so much as what your son is owed in support. It's not yours to give away to keep peace or look better in your h's eyes (IF that's even true, which I actually doubt).
So do what the law and your L say as if your hands are tied...and you feel regret--b/c you do--you take no pleasure in your h's suffering whether he wanted the divorce or not (plus he has his own view of how you were behaving in his recovery. He CAN and probably DOES make the argument you pushed him out of the home...but I don't want to digress)
I tried my best to stop it and he was firm from the beginning. I still dont want it. Im working on the fact that I enabled him for the past 17 years and I dont want to do it anymore. If I agree to lower the amount, am I not enableing him again? Enabling? Well what I KNOW is You'd be cheating your son out of support and it hurts HIM and someone has to make your son the priority in all this. Hasn't he suffered enough? It's not really about YOU or H....it's about what your son is owed....Does he have to have financial fears and sacrifices too? Shouldn't those be borne by his parents, and not him? He created this situation and then out of guilt im makeing it easier for him. Thats what it feels like... Not sure what this^^^ means??
should he not have the full concequence of his actions like everyone else? I want to be the bigger person, i dont want to be spitefull. Or am i just afraid he will be mad at me if i dont agreee to lower the amount...theres the $100 question....
BINGO^^^^ and it's So common...don't slap yourself for it but recognize it for what it is. And do right by your son...you won't ever regret that.
Do it calmly and keep the focus on your son...period. Not about you or h anymore and the sooner you accept that, the sooner it'll sink into your h and he'll have the space to breathe and look at his choices.
b/c as long as you pursue him and challenge his choices, the more he defends them. I don't think you were right to go on and on about the lying and if he didn't need you to be 'nice" now financially, I think he'd have hung up.
Be the bigger person and make this about your son.
He has been very friendly and borderline flirty with me...it crushes my heart to think that he is doing it to get what he wants, but the would be typical Alcoholic behavior..and he is definatley in the middle of a dry drunk. thinking out loud... would appreciate any feed back at all...
manipulation is a learned ingrained skill he may not even be aware of.
Just keep it all about your son and he can't blame you for that. And even if he does, so what? Be strong for your son.
And yes, his payments to YOU affect your son's lifestyle so don't get bogged down in alimony vs child support.
IF IF IF you wish to address alimony amounts when your son is on his own, you can...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25..your insights are valueable...and Im proud of myself that I was able to work through my feelings of fear (that he would be upset with me) and guilt (that I would be making HIS life harder by taking the court ordered amount...btw, wth????)
It showed ME that I am learning from this process and makeing changes in myself that will help me be a better me... I refuse to live my life in fear and guilt any longer. I have lived like that for way to many years and waited around for other people to make me feel different, when in fact I am the one who needed to do something about how I feel and react to others...
since I told H to speak to my L about the financial stuff..the cute flirty text have slowed down quite a bit....telling me my gut feeling was right. That hurts but in not a shocker. Its who he has become and I dont expect a change in that over night or any time soon for that matter. If im honest with myself that selfish streak im seeing now has really always been there...theres just no more excuses for it (the drinking is gone so cant blame that) The regular visits with S14 have slowed down quite a bit to...its been almost 2 weeks since he has seen S14 and no plan to in the near future. Granted he is working long hours right now but he has managed to fit time in there for ow but hasnt even managed a dinner with S14 so that shows his priority list right now. and the sad thing is S14 hasnt even asked about him.
Were it stands now is my L contacted him and said that he agreed to this settelment in good faith and if he is refuseing to sign it now she will set up a court date and he will then have to pay attorney fees on top of everything else...she suggested he contact her to avoid a messy court proceeding. I havent heard anything back yet so not sure what will happen next. I really didnt want it to turn into this and DONT want to go to court. I have tried to be non confrontational about all of this but it seems like it gets that way when it comes to the money....
all in all im feeling alot stronger on my part and proud of my changes, a little sad that Ive realized that he really is this person and theres nothing I can do to change that. It is what it is so they say...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I have not posted to you in a while. I just caught up with your sitch. I am sorry about what your H is putting you through. I do notice a lot more strength in your posts - I am very happy for you!
As for the nasty lawyer / finances stuff - I have not dealt with that myself yet. H has insisted several times that he wants us to "figure out how to separate our finances and everything." He can't even say the word Divorce. Last time, he was irritated at ME... I told him I understood he wanted to D and I would not stand in his way, but that I didn't want it, so I would not do anything to jump-start it.
I know eventually he will do it - he has always been a procrastinator so it doesn't surprise me that he hasn't done anything about it. Yet, our financial situation is getting very tricky. I have not worked since our son was born 6 months ago, and needless to say, it's getting tight. I am going to look for a job (which is what H wanted me to do anyways).
Why am I saying all of this? Even though I am not looking forward to those "talks" and dealings, like you, when the time comes, I will send my H to deal with my L. I have decided NOT to have any convos about it with him. I know we will not agree on the terms and will end up arguing if we try to figure it out ourselves. I know that I will feel a lot better once we sort everything out. It's just one less thing to worry about.
I wished we could agree on a legal separation rather than a D, but H is not interested, so it will be whatever he wants. I will not try to control him or change his mind. In the meantime, I work on myself and my kids.
Hang in there - hopefully your L will take care of things in an amicable way with your H and you will have more peace of mind. You are doing great!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I am going to look for a job (which is what H wanted me to do anyways).
Word of advice here - please talk to a lawyer first.
I don't know all of your sitch, but the reason your H is dragging his feet and wanted you to get a job is simple - he will owe less in alimony and child support if you are working!
You have three little ones and unless you have some really high-paying job skills, the cost of childcare is going to negate most of your earnings. Please discuss all your financial options with an attorney. Yes, you will probably have to get a job, but don't shoot yourself in the foot by taking a job that is not sustainable, and then getting less support than you need and deserve.
