Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

Ok- I got the hints

My H wanted to take us for breakfast one morning at 10A. I hesitated for a second but then I said "sounds great". I feed the kids a good breakfast at 6:30 and then they ate crap with H at 10a.

You need to tell H everything he does is great because OW is telling him that.
I know it makes no sense.

Hang in there. Kill 'em with kindness, for your boys

This made me laugh! It's crazy how they forget that the kids wake up at the crack of dawn- and usually want food dumped in their mouths right away! I REALLY DO need to remember to agree with things he suggests to prevent him from getting defensive and angry, thanks for the reminder.

okay back to YOU...so, how are you going to be busy this weekend or take care of you?

And as for the control issues and your h's anger, I think your tone has to be almost SEDATE when talking to him, b/c they hear yelling when we merely change our intonation...they don't even hear the content.

Get back on the Mother Teresa Uber Calm Zen Purgatory...and

think about changing that screen name of yours to something a tad more uplifting than eternity in limbo...and go to EE in Philadelphia, and get healthy and...

This is my weekend with the kids, so GAL is a little challenging. S6 is staying the night at a friend's house, so I just have the baby with me- I'm really enjoying having some 1:1 time with him (since S6 is usually fighting for my attention.) I made pigs in a blanket and we're sharing ice cream I'm going to take them to the Y tomorrow, and swim with S6. It's a challenge to find activities that both boys can participate in, and it's 42 degrees outside- so the park is out of the question.

Yes. I do need to channel my best 'mother theresa' act. I know that my anger is always just under the surface- I hope to bury it deeper while on my 'vacation' so I can come back and "be a duck": let things just roll off my back.
Is it normal to be 'calm' in front of him, and then feel the adrenaline running through me as I drive away? I hope that once I am able to detach, the adrenaline won't be as bad.

Anyway, please know that your H's behaviours are running to script in these regards.

My new mantra for dealing with this is LAV: Listen, Accept, Validate (suggested by BM) and I keep reminding myself NOT TO ENGAGE IN DISCUSSION when I think things need to be disputed or thrashed out.

I'm with BM on this - kill 'em with kindness, because they're angry and they've checked out, and nothing in the way of resistance will do any good at all.

Your canoe story made me laugh! Its a perfect example of how they automatically assume we are criticizing instead of just making a comment. I'm glad mine is following the process- it's comforting (in a way) to know that I don't have a sitch that hasn't been experienced before- so I can get guidance from people that have been-there-done-that.
Question: after you kill them with kindness and , how do you process away the anger/hurt?

I know I keep coming back to the same topics, thanks for not calling me silly. I accept that I am functioning in my emotional brain still- so I really appreciate the advice to keep me focused and help me get back into my rational brain. I'll get there, eventually... I can't tell you how much it means to me for you guys to continue to show care and concern for me

Would this hurt my DB efforts?

OW's B-day is next week. I had already gotten her a present before Xmas, and decided to hold onto it for her b-day. (Its a handmade piece of pottery that I made and had her girls help me paint. I really have no need for it in my house -and it's personalized with their names.) I want to give it to her- but just leave it on her porch. She would know that it's from me because it's signed on the bottom.

Should I give it to her? Why? Why Not?